"Have you angrily clenched your ass muscle today?"
Hey everyone.
Hi.
@brandt here, again, for some goddamn reason.
No, don’t clap. Don’t fucking clap! Please. Just… don’t. I appreciate the gesture, but please, just don’t.
I am in the worst fucking mood right now. I don’t want to be out in public, I don’t want to be up here on this stage, I don’t want to exist.
Goddammit. Oh my god. This hangover.
Shit. What am I even supposed to talk about tonight? I need my notes. Where are my notes? Fuck. This is bad, this is bad. I can’t find my notes.
…
Oh. Here they are.
They were in my pocket. Cool.
Alright, let’s see what I’m supposed to be talking about tonight…
Ah! Yes.
I’m supposed to be talking about how
I’m flat broke,
which probably expains why none of the debt collectors I keep asking out ever agree to go out with me. Nobody wants to go out with a flat broke bastard like me.
I can’t even get a date with debt collectors!
These days I’m about as flat broke as you can get. All four tires on this baby are blown, and I don’t have a spare, or any money to spare to fix these flats, because I blew all my money on blow and so I’m flat broke. And now that I’ve gone and driven this joke directly into the junkyard, let’s get back to my flat-brokenness.
I’m currently experiencing the kind of flat-brokenness where you just take a shower after taking a shit, because toilet paper costs money, and heat and water are included with rent, so why not?
I also do laundry with dish soap.
That’s actually a thing, did you know that? You don’t need any of that fancy bougie detergent to get your clothes clean, you can just use dish soap! Detergent! Pffffff!! That’s what those dickslappers over in Aspen use to wash their clothes! But hey, what would you expect, the poorest piece of shit dickslapper in Aspen is a multi-millionaire, so of course they’ve all got money lying around to blow on fuckin’ detergent. It’s just unbelievable. Here’s the Sawatch Range, the highest mountain range in Colorado, runs north to south for a solid 100 miles, from Vail all the way down to Salida. Here I am on the east side of the Sawatch, surrounded by poverty, living in poverty, and not 30 miles to the west as the crow flies, straight across the range, up and over Independence Pass, you’ve got fuckin’ Aspen. The epicenter of Colorado wealth. Thirty miles. Extreme poverty on the east side of the Sawatch, extreme wealth on the west. The Sawatch is a natural wall between Colorado’s richest, and Colorado’s poorest,
and here we three Brandts of Orient are, stuck on the poorest side, observing from afar.
Anyway.
Like I told my friend Sam the other day, my life is basically a Johnny Cash song right now, specifically that song where he sings about being busted.
Have you ever gone to the grocery store and been like, wait a minute, I don’t think I can afford toothpaste today.
I have!
Fortunately for me, I went digging in my junk drawer the other day and found an old tube of Colgate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bubble-fruit-flavored goodness buried at the bottom.
It expired three years ago, but the sodium fluoride still seems to be doing a good job of being the active ingredient, because my teeth feel squeaky clean!
They also feel bubble-fruity clean, incidentally, which I’m a bit concerned about, but I’m doing my best to ignore it,
just like how I’m ignoring my bills!
Anyhow.
This toothpaste should last me for at least a month, so for the next few weeks I won’t have to worry about people being able to smell the sickening stench of depression on my breath every day.
Pro tip, you can find fun brushing tips and games at www.colgate.com/kids, or at least you could back in 2013!
All right.
Man oh man.
I do believe I’m feeling a little bit better now.
Probably because, what you think is water in this water bottle of mine, is actually white dog.
Yep!
That’s right, I’m hydrating with corn whiskey tonight!
Straight off the still, man!
Undiluted as fuck!
One hundred and twenty fuckin’ proof, baby!
Really takes the edge off!
I feel good!
I feel great!
I feel awesome!!
And I think it’s about time to break out the real notes for tonight’s show!
Lol!!
Did you really think tonight’s show was about my chronic financial instability?
LOL
I ain’t supposed to be up here talking about my flat-brokenness tonight!
Tonight’s show is actually all about
mental illness,
and about how alcohol exacerbates that illness,
and about how
I have Bipolar Disorder.
That’s right, kids! I’m a fuckin’ lunatic!
My official diagnosis is bipolar disorder, Type 1, and substance use disorder. Or wait, I guess it should be my diagnoses are, because I have more than one horrible disease to tell you about tonight! I don’t know, it’s all Greek to me.
Don’t worry, I’m not gonna murder you in your sleep or anything.
I’ll murder you in broad fuckin’ daylight!
Because I have
Bipolar Disorder, Type 1!
That’s my official diagnosis.
That’s my official neverending hell.
That’s why some nights, I can’t sleep, and some days, I can’t stay awake.
That’s why I lash out.
That’s why I’m an addict.
That's why I disappear from Steemit, for months, without warning, and then suddenly reappear, without warning.
That’s why I start cults,
and come up with shit like The Neverending Standup,
because I’m a fuckin’ lunatic.
Let me guess,
you’re wondering about Type 1.
You’re wondering, how many types are there? and what do the types mean?
Well! Let me tell you!
Bipolar Disorder comes in 4 exciting variations,
which I’m not going to bother describing here,
because you can just read about it yourself,
but yes, you are correct in your wonderings, that
Type 1 is the shittiest.
And this is where I’m gonna bring this show to an end tonight.
I have nothing more to say.
Me and the rest of this white dog,
we need to get ourselves off this stage,
and out of the public eye,
and back into our nice warm apartment for the night.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is,
I love pets!
And white dog is the best pet EVER!
pocketsend:11@brandt, play around with the token of fun - POCKET!
Please stop spamming my blog with your shitty comments.
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This is interesting, I’m currently in Greece, the joint with the language you said everything looks like. Really, I can prove it. This is last nights sunset.
But I said this is “interesting,” not “a photo,” so I’ll continue. Besides, I’ve been writing article sized comments to you anyway, why stop now?
Interesting because I once lived in Aspen, too, true story. Young and stupid kid framing houses when i was 18. One of the many gated neighborhoods in Aspen, this particular one had one of Oprah’s houses in it. The dude actually flew out me and my homeboy to sheet two houses, put us up in an apartment too for the two weeks we were there. Eh man, I smoked back then, I only remember two prices of things, smokes were $5 when they were still $3 in California and I ish you not dude, a frikkin snickers bar was the same price—true’fa king story! A snickers bar was $5!
Alright, I better stop now before I go into my bipolar, cult creating, White Lightning brewing, debt collector fantasies cuz I don’t have any living kin that I’m aware of and I’m not prepared for some long lost ancestry dot com dr. Phil show.
Ah! Yes, that is clearly Greece. It looks pretty. I want to visit someday. My line about all of it being Greek was a really subtle joke, actually, directed at the word diagnosis, which is of direct Greek origin, and at my supposed confusion about how to pluralize it.
Anyway. That's cool you were in Aspen. Snickers bars probably cost $10 a hit now. I avoid Aspen like the plague. Even if I was a billionaire I'd stay the fuck away from that hellhole.
Thanks for the article sized comment!
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TrufflePigSweet! Thanks! Time to party now. Need to go buy more white dog. :)
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It's a damn shame you aren't posting, the title alone is gold!!
I'm one to talk, just started posting again yesterday after nearly three months...this place is even crazier than usual! I know you're lurking since I spotted you in nonames post so I had to drop by and say Heyyyy!
Heyyyy! Yes, I'm lurking :) I will probably start posting again soon, if I can find the time and brainpower to actually do it. My last series of posts ended up burning me out pretty fast.
That gold title is in quotes because I didn't come up with it… it came from a manager I had at an old job. He was probably the best manager I've ever had.
You might not know where you are with type 1 but you must certainly know where you are with white dog!
Me and white dog woke up in a strange town this morning. I can't find my phone. There are bars on my window and I can't seem to get the door unlocked. Help
Are the bars the kind that you can get server drinks in? Or are they too small? Even if they aren't then refuse to be confined by what seems to be problem and go around the bars.
There are no bars
Tell them that whoever they are
You're right, I need to think outside the box here. There are no bars. The door is not locked. I'm sure I'll be fine!