The Not-So-Serious World #1: Ode to Sour Patch Kids and Flavors of Inequality

In a world that continues to bombard us with news of tragedies, violence, hatred and evil, I can’t help but think we need to shed some light on the finer things in life. Or perhaps if not “finer”, then at least the things that bring us little moments of joy and laughter. Thus, the first installment of The Not-So-Serious World…

Many of us have a delicious childhood candy that we still eyeball in the grocery store checkout line as we wonder if the fountain of youth (or at least the fountain of memories) is hidden amongst sugar and artificial food coloring. For me, nothing captures this appeal like the legendary, the audacious, the mouthwateringly delicious….Sour Patch Kids.

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However, as any SPK fan is well aware, not all of the Kids are created equal. Let us discuss…

Yellow: Clearly suggesting a lemon flavor, the brightest SPK is more of a refreshing flavor changeup than a fan favorite. I often pop this pallet-cleanser when I have had too many of it’s bolder red or green brothers in a row. Always refreshing, but not really the Kid you reach for when you first open the box.

Red: The Contender. The Leader of the Kids. The Attention Grabber in the Display Case At The Movies. Dare I say... The Favorite? The bold and powerful red color of these barely-human shaped candies is often debated with regards to its official flavor, but rarely chastised for its deliciousness. Some folks contend its clearly Cherry, while other fans are unwaveringly convinced their tongues detect Strawberry. Cadbury Adams, who makes the candy, state Lil Red is raspberry-flavored, but I am glad to represent the masses when I say, “You, Mr. Adams, are out of your modified corn starch mind”. (Note: If you think Red is anything but Strawberry, you are either as senile as Adams or just drank some Dunkin Donuts coffee (brewed at 418 degrees) and are understandably taste-impaired.)

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Green: Yes, Lime has its days. Sometimes, like Lemon, you just gotta reach for something other than Orange or Red. While I do enjoy the strong, juicy lime explosion the green bugger unleashes, it really does come off as more of a side-dish of the SPK. Say they finally open up a Sour Patch fine restaurant someday in downtown Manhattan. Nowhere on that menu is Lime going to be listed under “Entrees”. As a compliment to a Strawberry Orange Lasagna? Sure, absolutely! Throw some greens on that tiny plate at the fancy restaurants that I am (impossibly) supposed to keep all my bread crumbs on. But don’t try to sell me a Lime stir-fry. That’s just preposterous.

Orange: Bless you little Orange brother, bless you. Easily the only Kid who can challenge Red for the title of most loved and enjoyed, Orange also has the advantage of being universally accepted in flavor. Perhaps its appeal is the simplicity of this particular SPK, as the color matches the flavor and that flavor perfectly parallels the equally-delicious fruit. I cannot express to you how many times I have scavenged through the wilderness of Greens and Yellows in search of that last Orange bottom-dweller. Of course, this is after consuming all the Reds…usually.

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Blue: Almost too ridiculous to mention, and consequently why it is only now being referenced, this newcomer to the candy can only be referred to by its proper name: The Bastard Child. Mr. Adams went full Jeffrey Dahmer on us when he started including this heathen Kid into our box of gummy glory. I mean come on, is this blueberry? Blackberry? Or more realistically, is it the flavor of regurgitation that lingered in the mouth of the neighborhood bully a few houses down, who ate paint chips, and who (as a result) you knew to treat with caution and distance.

Regardless of your favorite, many of us agree there is little substitution for having watched Aladdin in theaters with a box of Sour Patch Kids at your side. You can still remember the disappointing realization that there was nothing left but loose sugar at the bottom… until you remedied this sadness by tossing the box back and pounding that sugar while Ma was checking her watch.

Which brings us to the point and the true value of SPK: The next time you're in line at Kroger you’ll probably find yourself glancing at this colorful box of candy and be reminded of good memories long past, as a reminiscing smile sneaks across your aged lips. I know I will.

Long live the Kids.