Yes, the grief did soften me but at the same time it makes me want to kill myself

I wake up every morning and wish I were dead.
No, my suffering did not strengthen me. There are days I get six panic attacks in three hours. Times I can't take a shower because the bathroom walls are too frightening.
No, I am not growing. I have no fight left in me and want so desperately to stop existing. I don't even know what else to say.