Witchboard (1986) Review + Film
Rating: 3/5
AKA: Mega Powers Explode!
Watch Here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/4C1MZMuPIQ3m/
"You got yourself one gnarly spirit here!" - A Psychic
Remember when you were a small McNugget, who had barely been dipped in the sweet buffalo sauce of life? Remember how everything that dealt with anything remotely spooky made you wide eyed and freaked out?
Witchboard is one of those classic experiences that made you want to grab a Ouija board at the store, but equally not want to be left alone in the same room with it once you brought it back home.
It’s also the classic retelling of the when the Mega Powers Exploded over Miss “Elizabet’ ” (Not a typo - RIP Macho) only in horror form.
The film opens with some incredible synth that sounds like a sped up, remixed version of the Phantasm theme (which WE Will be reviewing eventually) and we’re introduced to our main love triangle trio, Brandon, Jim, and Linda.
From the jump Brandon tries to flex and diminish Jim in front of his ex-lover Linda, by demonstrating his Ouija prowess. As much as I dig this movie, let us go through Brandon's flawed thought process here:
Brandon & Jim Are Lifelong Friends
Brandon Begins Dating Linda
Relationship Hits the Rocks
Jim Meets Linda
Jim & Linda Begin Dating
Brandon Feels Betrayed by Jim and picks up Ouija as a hobby.
Brandon decides that the best way to win over his ex-girlfriend is to demonstrate his expert Ouija board skills and simultaneously talk shit about her new boyfriend Jim, during a party held at Linda & Jim's apartment.
That’s the plan, go to party, show off how “Ouija”, shit on old friend/new boyfriend, and somewhere in the back of Brandon’s head this will get Linda back, or at the very least emasculate Jim to such a degree that Linda dumps him.
It’s the same idea as showing up to a Women’s Rights March, make signs and walk with the ladies, then trying to get some digits for your efforts, only to halt mid request as you see the all-female softball coach get all the pussy instead of you.
Bitch you should have known that march was no place for desperate neckbeards, but I digress.
Ironically up until things go south with using the board, Linda has no problems with Brandon putting his hands on her. It's not in the creepy trespassing way, but in the casual “Yeah DICKS, we’re together!” way. So maybe Brandon’s Ouija play was a boss move back in the 80’s.
Ol’ Brandon “Ouija Hands” demonstrating that catching the ladies is easy, once you master pro Witchboard moves.
After Jim berates the spirit Brandon and Linda are communicating with, Brandon’s tire gets popped which subsequently leads to the end of the party. In his exit though, Brandon leaves the Ouija board at Jim and Linda’s kickstarting the film proper.
Much like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, Linda disobeys the rules of Ouija by utilizing the board by herself, after being expressly warned not to do so.
Linda believes she is communicating with the same spirit that she and Brandon reached out to the night before, and the spirit even seems to be helpful & friendly.
However, terror and crazy shit begins to ramp up very quickly. Culminating with Brandon and Jim reconciling temporarily to save the woman they both love from the gnarly spirit inhabiting the board/apartment.
The movie does a great job in the cinematography department which compliments the story being told. Nothing feels wasted, this was back when you could interject aspects about a character’s life and have the "acting" carry the characters/plot forward. Witchboard didn't need a tie in miniseries to explain “These characters have issues 1,2, and 3”.
I’m more fascinated with Brandon’s character. In this movie we literally see a semi productive man spiral out of control and delve into the occult for peace of mind. He has befriended psychics, spouts out jargon about the existence of spirits while conversely questioning the existence of God. Linda really must have done a number on this cat to make him question the very fabric of nature.
FINAL WORD –
MRHELLBOX: Some groovy tunes, some decent atmosphere, and believable acting from Brandon & Jim. This is what’s lost in the modern era when it comes to entertainment, actors acting and being able to provide that suspension of disbelief that feels so forced in today’s shit show. ***
P.S. I keep feeling like Zarabeth and Texas Chainsaw 2's ChopTop are some how related or is it just me?:
Schlong Long – Low key Brandon was getting those free “Palm Readings” from Zarabeth, Holla if ya hear me! ***
Prince Pectorals – It’s obvious that Jim was in better shape athletically when compared to Brandon – That said if Brandon spent 1 month with me in the Dojo, he wouldn’t have needed that Witchboard as an ice breaker, he would literally be breaking ice like that little bitch Daniel Larusso in Karate Kid II. ***
