Reflection: Death on the Farmstead
Today marks the anniversary of the first death I experienced in person, period. I've wanted to write about this so many times, but it was way to painful for so long. Even now, my heart is aching, but I am happy to say I am not crying. To me, that says that I am healing.
I realize that having animals, death is going to happen. But, I did not know how profoundly they would effect me. In the past when a pet or animal has died, I had miraculously been away and did not experience the actual tragedy.
*Note: This post will not be picture heavy - or maybe even have any images, because I did end up deleting many from my stores because of the profound sadness this event created in me. I have been avoiding FB memories for a few weeks now, just incase any images stayed around on FB... So now I am digging through FB trying to see if there's actually any images... No easy feat. - Oh good, I found a couple. ;) *
Late January 2017
The scene: We were busy painting our living room out of boredom of being snowed in for a month, and trying to make our new house a home.
I get a call from my neighbor who raises Boar goats. He had a 4 day old bummer baby, which means his momma rejected him, and asked if I was interested in having it. I was so excited because a week earlier I had visited and met the adorable baby goats that had just been born. I got cleaned up, put on boots, talked to husband about it all and we decided that this would be a great opportunity for us to add a livestock! What luck! And boy were they cute.
Excitedly, we trudge down the snow to the neighbors across the highway. I am so gosh darn excited. I had a name picked out already, I wanted to name him Maynard. The neighbor thought this was hilarious because it was his sibling's nickname. As it turns out, the name didn't stick and we actually named this baby Monroe.
Then things started to get dicey. He got scours among other things like lice! We ended up taking him to the vet a few times a week and spent tons of money on this little guy. The vet helped us as much as they possibly could. Some days with little Monroe were so amazing. We built him a little "goaty area" out of cardboard boxes and he would jump all over them, knock down paper towel tubes and have a grand ol' goaty time.
Other days, he was just sick, lethargic, and sometimes bloaty. I thought I had taken care of everything with him by getting him to the vet and getting things that he must've needed at the time. Sometimes he would collapse in place and my heart would sink. I had a feeling when I first got him that he may die, so I thought I had my wits about me. We probably took this poor thing to the vet about 10 times.
When I got home, he was even worse off. I did all the things the vet suggested. He was laying in a corner and had pooped himself and while he was trying to drink water, he mostly just nodded off into the bowl. My stomach was in knots. I had nothing else up my sleeve for him. We tried forcing him to drink his milk and taking medicine from the vet, but it did not help at all.
It came to the time where he just had to be held. The passing of creatures is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I wanted to call the vet to get him to come out and put him to sleep, but I knew he was on his way out. I think the worst thing about his passing was that when his organs were shutting down, he might yell or convulse. There really was nothing I could do to help him pass. So I sat there on the ground, with him in my lap to make sure that he knew he was loved. I was crying so hard the whole time. I felt that this was what I was supposed to do for him.
After he passed, it was very hard to accept that he had actually died. I kept asking husband if he was sure he was dead. It was surreal. I couldn't believe that it all just happened. We gingerly placed him in a box with his warm waterbottle and a blankey. It was after 9pm when he passed and thankfully the ground wasn't too frozen at the time and Husband was able to burry him that night. He is under a tree in the field.
I can't help but feel like I failed him. He loved me so much, he followed me around all the time, called for me, and the works. People have told me that I did more than most, and in my heart I know that I did. It is so hard because I had imagined him as a grown goat, being so friendly and loving, and it turned out that it didn't happen.
Some positive things about him were that he made everyone smile that he encountered. He was always so excited to see and meet people and my dog loved him. He brought a light to everyone. Some people came to my work just to see him. I only had him for a short two and a half weeks, but because he was so much work it felt like a long time. It had such an impact on my life.
After this happened, I went into a pretty deep depression. I cried so much, so often, and I was completely useless. I am crying now. I cannot believe that having something for such a short period of time, and losing them, has had such an impact on my emotional stability. A year later, I am still not stable and deal with thinking of this huge failure quite often.
Thankfully with my chickens I have not been this emotionally attached if one passes. I cannot tell you how much a relief that is. I cannot tell you if I ever will have furry livestock again, like another goat, but at the moment, I can't even fathom it. I have no idea how I will react when another one of my furry pets passes but I hope to goodness that it is not like this again.
Thank you to those of you who read this post. It is such a hard thing to deal with and this event has put such a dark spot in my life. For the longest time I avoided looking in the direction of Monroe's grave, and have avoided the spot in my kitchen where he passed on the floor in my lap.... It felt for the longest time that this life was not for me, that I would not be able to have more livestock, ever. And it still slightly feels that my home is haunted by this memory. Slowly, I have been healing, and I don't think about him every day anymore. I can walk over to his grave, and even don't think about that spot on the floor very often.
I know that this sort of thing is just a part of the homesteading life, it is probably one of the most difficult. I do apologize for the poor organization of this post. I know that every time I talk about this event, my heart heals just a tiny bit more. I just needed to get it out there, because I had been wanting to write on it for such a long time.
The vet ended up saying that he was basically a failure to thrive. He had so many parasites in his body and he may not have had enough colostrum. The neighbor said he had never had something like that happen before. Little Mo was just too good for this world, I guess. I hope is spirit is somewhere , frolicking along in a field somewhere, making someone else smile and laugh. I don't really believe in more after death, but if there is - I hope to goodness that I get to see this little guy again.
Check out my most recent Steemit Posts.
- January Week 1
- January Week 2 - Part 1
- January Week 2 - Part 2
- Random #FunFarmFacts - Chickens
- January Week 3 - Part 1
- January Week 3 - Part 2
- B&W Photo Challenge - Day 1
- January Week 4 - Part 1
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Thank you for sharing. Thought this was going to be one of those sad stories about a gerbal that died that the owner barely knew. In this post you beautifully communicated the ball of light this little goat shined into everyone's lives. It is so hard to not let a loss like this bury the joy you gained. You are a better person for it, and know a lot about how to help baby animals now.
What I keep reflecting back on with what you said is “it is so hard not to let a loss like this bury the joy you gained”. This was very powerful for me to read that I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the last 3 hours since I first read your comment. I’m not sure how to take it at the moment but it’s absolutely true. And the loss has clouded any sort of joy I had. I know I am still healing, and that seems so silly to say to people who have had livestock for a long time and have gotten used to this happening, but I think it will still take me a little while longer. I was rather impressed with myself for being able to share this today, actually. So I was able to smile a bit while thinking about him jumping from box to box. Haha
Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.
Yes, you are starting to come back around. From within you will find a fuller brightness you haven't even tapped into yet, and it will probably return in a surprisingly easy way from a newfound source. That sounds kind of like a fortune, I know, but I think it is true for you.
It totally does sound like a fortune! Haha, but you're very sweet, and I hope you're right. Thank you.
Aw, this is so sad. You gave him everything you had and it just wasn't meant to be. At least he got to spend his last days in your loving home and arms and it is better than to have him suffer. I always say there is a reason for everything; maybe one day you will know that reason or maybe not. Believe this in your heart and it may help.
I got a puppy who had Parvo (not knowing it at the time) and my experience was similar to yours.
I pray that you continue to heal and will be able to concentrate more on the joy that you gave to each other. Many hugs my friend!
It was so sad. I am glad I am feeling better about it now. It affected me sooooo deeply that I will probably never be able to have a baby goat again. Haha. And bottle feeding animals is suuuuch a pain, it's hard to distance yourself emotionally when you have to be up ever few hours to make sure they're fed. It was so difficult to go thru this because he was so up and down, perfect one day, and down the next. Rough stuff for sure!
I try to tell myself things like that but mostly I continue to ask "why did this have to happen to me on the first livestock animal I tried? Why couldn't I just have a win, for once?" -- Obviously, I am still healing. hahah.
It is so hard to deal with death in any form but the animal kind, especially when it is one that you feel is so dependent on you is very tough. I have had it happen more than a few times with my birds. Helping a late chick hatch from an egg, the elation that I have managed to save it, it lives for a few days and then you lose it with really on reason as to why . (Poor Gobbles our little quail just did this to me a few weeks back and made our Poor chi Monty so sad, but he has new friends now).
I have always had animals and so dealt with animal death early on. Often we can console ourselves to think that Nature is often wiser than we and there might very well have been something wrong with your little guy down the road that might have lead to a more troubled life for him and it was Nature's way of letting him pass quietly. We can't ever know for sure, but it's not easy that is for certain.
I try to think on the “Nature knows best” route but it’s so hard sometimes! I often wonder, “why did this happen to me? My first livestock animal, not even barely two months into this life, tainting my experience, why?” I know there’s no good answer to that. But I think that’s the hardest part of a situation such as this.
As you said in your post recently, you are closer to animals than humans, as am I. That made this seem even more difficult. I think because of this situation, maybe, I’m not as attached to the fowl - thank goodness! I’ve had to make the choice to cull a couple chicks we hatched - but it didn’t effect me too much because it wasn’t at my hand. I’m thankful to have people in my life that can distance themselves emotionally to help me deal with such things.
I shed a few tears... You reminded me of an experience I had with my dog I had to put down. Every day gets easier. Remember the love and smiles your furry friend brought into your life, those are the memories that count. Don't be afraid of getting more animals it sound like you have plenty of love to share.
Awe I’m sorry to bring up painful memories. This kind of stuff I guess I’m going to have to get used to happening? I dunno. I’ll try not to harden myself too terribly much. Livestock is way more finicky than I had ever imagined. Chickens, however!! I’m not so attached, thank goodness!! Nor other feathered birds. So we do plan to get more chickens, hatch more quail, and even add turkeys! Next year we’re hoping for piggies!
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have goats or other furry cute livestock, maybe I just can’t have babies! Who knows, but I’m definitely still healing. Maybe I’ll change my mind in a few years...
No sorry needed. After I put her down... she still help me to see life through different eyes. Everything became more clear and I changed my life accordingly. I thank her every time I think of her.(Gwynn) In my opinion the best way to deal sadness, sorrow and grief is get it out any way that works. Scream, cry, dig a ditch, punch something, pick flowers you get it.... thats what has worked for me. One day at a time........
I am glad you can look at it positively. I'm sorry you had to lose something so precious. I don't know how I will deal with my dog, Koodge, passing. I guess I will try and prepare myself somehow?? Haha, though I am not sure that's possible.
Life is life, and death is never easy. Especially on a homestead. We have had our share of death (dog,chickens,rabbits) We finally quit raising rabbits because I couldn't handle the idea that I was simply raising them to die. We all feel it somehow. Be well!
We haven’t harvested from our birds yet but it’s bound to come and I have no idea how I am going to feel about it!
I’ve had a chicken die, a couple quail, some hatchlings that needed to be culled because of deformities, but I think since I dealt with this death, maybe I hardened up a little to deal with it. I’m not sure. Maybe feathered creatures just aren’t as deep for my heart. I’m thankful for that.
Do you raise any of your own meat then? Or is it too difficult? Either way, no judgements from me!! I’m purely curious.
Actually I haven't eaten meat in 6 1/2 years. We were raising the rabbits for manure and to sell locally...try to provide a better meat and not mcdonalds. For me it got too much. If I don't need to eat it...i didn't need to raise it to die. I would never tell anyone how to live, be or eat. I am 6 '5 260lbs, with zero signs of anything negative you hear about vegans. I am a huge advocate of people eating responsibly. Knowing where your food comes from and how it is raised...meat and veg.
I get it! I wouldn't want to do that either if I were a vegetarian or vegan of any sorts. Hell, I haven't yet found out if I can do it as a meat-eater! Haha. You had the right intentions, but it wasn't right for your life, and that's okay!
That's rough and would have been very difficult for stoic-me to have endured.
Husband said it was very difficult for him to watch me go through this.
Aw that is hard. I can sympathize. Death in all its forms is not easy and the farm is the best place to learn about it all. It seems like death is a huge part of homesteading... big hugs 💙
<3
I believe that him being dependant on you makes it all the harder. I've just experienced a similar loss. I've had many deaths over my time raising animals, but none have hit me as hard as this one. It's almost like losing a child; that dependence and unconditional love they have for you.
I am so sorry I didn't see your reply before!! You're right, them relying on us makes it soooo hard, you just get hooked right in. I am so sorry you went through the same thing I did with your loss. It sounds like it affected you as much as it affected me. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me.
Don't worry about it. If you've been anything like me your head is all over the place. I hope you're starting to feel a little better and remembering more of the good moments.
It is so touching to hear about or witness human and animal interaction on an emotional level. A very sweet reminder that we are all here together.
'Merry met, merry part, and merry meet again.'
That last part, made me cry last night. It is so sweet. Thank you! I do believe we’re meant to be good stewards of our animals. <3
SO sorry about this. Any passing is difficult to deal with- it causes so many emotions, feelings and pain.
I know when my childhood (pet) dog passed, I was an adult by then and I remember mourning for a long time. She (the Jack Russell Terrier named Trixie) was my best friend growing up. I was a wallflower in school and this little gal was always there for me. When she passed, I had moved out and she lived with my parents as I was not able to have pets where I was living, I can remember my dad stopping by to tell me in person. The memory is still planted firmly in my head; and even now (30 years later) as I type this, I am getting teary-eyed.
Awe man, sounds like you had a really deep connection to that pup. For some reason, if I am not around, it doesn't affect me too terribly much. I had a pitbull while I was in Middle and High School and she would walk me down to the bus stop and pick me up from the bus stop which was about a quarter of a mile from the house. It was amazing, she was the best dog I have ever had. One day, when I was in college, and moved away from home, mom told me she just disappeared. I thought that was too bad, but I don't think I ever cried too much over her passing. I do know that we could have taken better care of her, but as a kid, I didn't really know. You know? She was awesome. I wish I still had pictures of her.