I am kind of afraid to die because I don't like the feeling but I have to be brave about it

cryptopie (81)Memberin WORLD OF XPILAR • 2 months ago

Source - @cryptopie

I am not only a dialysis patient but with two liver virus in my body, both of which is wrecking havoc on my liver's cells and I am not sure if when poor liver will conk-out on me. I had seen a patient with the same liver condition at the dialysis clinic and he experienced weightloss, fever, and passing blood on his stools which means his poop had blood in it.

However this said patient is drinking alcohol and it was one reason that his liver failed considering that he is already a dialysis patient. He could had gotten a liver transplant if not for that Hepatitis virus and his liver kind of failed fast unlike to one of my friends here in my Barrio but him developing a big tummy for years, about ten years or so until he developed a fever and then died.

As for my case I haven't had any test yet for my liver function and I am scared to what will happen next because of two liver viruses in my body, I am both positive for hepatitis B and C and with the latter as hospital-acquired but regardless I am prone to getting all the letters of the viral Hepatitis because I am already positive for the B virus.

That is why I am like a candle now, being consumed every passing year with my liver as the main concern because I do not know how to deal with it and it is really scary because I do not want to exit this world, not just yet. But who am I to control my life if I am faced with all odds? So I will just trust God and let me live for as far as I can because either way if I will live longer I will still face hardships and if I will live shorter, the only thing that will happen is that I will left things undone because I have a long-term plan in my life.

But for me, it is better to die first than to see the ones that love and care for me to go one by one. It is because of my disabilities and considering that I have an issue with my appearance as well, there will be lots of people that will just set me aside if I were to deal wit them for one thing or another and that is also my concern. So I better die first than to see myself helpless in times of emergencies for example because of the limited people that I have to contact plus I do not want to bother.

What I am actually afraid of is the feeling of being gravely ill, the pain, the additional discomfort, and anything in between. So I just want to die while being asleep but the thing is that I do not sleep that too long like normal people do. Now what I am doing is to take Vitamin C and at least have a sense of hope that maybe with some miracle from God, these viruses in my body will not be as damaging considering that I am doing a rather self-medication but with only vitamin C in a relatively megadose amount. So we will see if what Vitamin C does, if it works then thanks a million to God, but if it doesn't, I am so effed-up in my life anyway.