In Need

6:06
Tonight I go to the Jumbo. It's dark outside. Devil is asleep and I don't know if he will go with me. I wait for it to get dark, in the evening I sneak out the back door with two bags of empty bottles that I will return for the deposit.

10:03
In the distance, I hear that dog barking. It is a shrill sound and my ears hurt. I want him to shut up. How can the owner listen to this. I stop abruptly. The dog howls. He has a lot in common with me. Forgotten, kicked, cursed, chained

20:01
I don't have all the bottles with me. I want to try if this works and if I can do something with the money I get for this. I'm still hungry It's a small building next to the Jumbo supermarket. There is a door that should always be open.

20:20
The bottle vending machines stared at me. It was the first time I had seen such a thing and I studied the pictures on them. I still didn't know what to do. It had been a long time since I asked for help.

There you are, said a cracking voice.

It is the old tramp I was talking to the other day, she is looking at me. I look at her. She is hiding in a corner of the building that feels warm and pleasant. It is warmer than in the kitchen where I have made my home.

How...

You need to... and she pointed at the dark hole. Here for you.

She slid a packet towards me across the floor. Bread! It's not fresh, but it's something I haven't eaten in a long time.

I have lost track of days, hours, time. I don't know if I am alive or if I am a shadow of who I once was. The only thing that keeps me going, the only thing alive, are the memories of a time that feels like a long time ago and at the same time like a few hours ago. The monster in the basement I don't think about anymore, I try not to think about it even though I painted it on the wall. The life-size proof of my life.

She looked at me silently, observing how I let the machine swallow the bottles one by one or was she observing me? The receipt rolled out. I stared at it before pulling it out. She tapped the floor with her hand as a sign for me to sit down, I hesitated. It had been a long time since I had sat next to someone. The room suddenly felt small and sweat broke out in me. I was used to obeying, even though I always fought back and refused.

It's fine, she said, stay there, no need to come any closer.

I hesitated again, closed my eyes and thought of the devil, the devil's eyes through the kitchen window that night before Devil came into my life and kept me company.
She slowly removed a thermos from the large shopper she was carrying. It contained all sorts of things... is this her life?

Drink, she said. For the first time in years I drank coffee; I had forgotten the taste of coffee. All I tasted was a bitter, nasty taste. Bitter mixed with blood,
I think. The result of the wounds in my mouth.
Suddenly I thought of the knife I had put in the bottle and the knife under the kitchen table I slept with, because it feels good to have something I can rely on.

I have to leave, I said.

Will you come back tomorrow?

I looked at the receipt. I didn't know what to do with it. The amount danced before my eyes and I felt dizzy despite the bread, despite the coffee.

Give it to me. She snatched it from my hand. She was quick and disappeared with my receipt, leaving me in despair.
What if she doesn't come back and I have nothing to eat again?
It began to rain softly and I hid in the corner of the small room.
I count to 500, I told myself, if she doesn't come back I'm gone. I ate. Tomorrow I'll look further, tomorrow... There are more bottles.

Today Diary, today is all that matters. I'm tired, I just want to sleep. I wanted to go back to Devil purring and lulling me to sleep.

21:34
Wait!

She put a bag on the street and when I bent down to pick it up and looked up again, she was gone.

This night I made an extra cut on my thigh. The knife went through my skin like butter. I don't cut myself to feel pain, this cut is a reminder of the woman who helped me, someone I never saw before and don't know if I will ever see her again.

Carrying the shopping bag, I crawled under the table. Look, I said to Devil, there's a bag of cat treats in there. How does she know you're there?
Devil was silent. He doesn't need words to understand me and I don't need words to see that he is happy.
Diary if there is someone like me on the other side of the world or on the other side of the river, do you think this person would answer me?
When I wake up, I go to the river and post the bottles. Then there are seven, seven bottles, seven messages left. I dare not think what will happen if all 10 bottles are gone and no one answers.

_{10.3.25
Prompt Thursday: you need to... - freewritehouse}