I don't think it turned out poorly you described it well and that's far from easy. If it comes to pic1000 and describe what you see and feel you can post it at the bottom but also weave it into your text.

With a bit of attention, you can be a great story teller.
How long did it take you to write this? Did you write it at one piece?

BTW it's fine to use an existing story or experience or parts of different stories if during writing it reminds you of that.It still is your story.

How would you like the story to end? Feel free to edit.