In Memoriam
English below
Mujhe bhi na ye sab suni sunayi kehne waali baatein lagti thi. Log jo kehte the ke kisi ki kami uske jaane ke baad hi mehsoos hoti hai. Kabhi samajh nahi aaya ke log kisi ki death pe kyun rote hain. Matlab, aesa toh nahi ke usne jaana nahi tha? Hum sab jaante hain ke ek din sabne chale jaana hai. Ye duniya sirf aik khel tamasha hai, aakhirat hi asal manzil hai. Isi liye, men hamesha se death ko leke thoda cold-hearted raha hun.
Lekin phir kuch aise waqiat hue jo meri soch ko hila ke rakh gaye.
Raat ke kisi waqt meri neend achanak meri maa ke cheekhne ki awaaz se khuli. Dil ekdum se baith gaya. Pata tha ke mama aise hi toh nahi ro rahi hongi. Baba unko console kar rahe the. Mene poocha toh baba ne bataya ke mama ki khaala ki death hogayi hai. Ye sunke mene sirf karwat badli aur dobara so gaya.
Shayad ye sunkar ajeeb lage, magar mujhe hamesha se death ka zyada asar nahi hota tha. Apne dosto ke saath bhi death, qabr, aakhirat ye sab baatein bohat casually karta tha, jisse wo aksar uncomfortable hojate the.
Lekin phir kuch aesa hua jo mene kabhi socha bhi nahi tha.
Do mahine pehle meri sabse purani dost mujhe hamesha ke liye chor gayi.
Mujhe ye sab likhne ki himmat karne mein poore do mahine lag gaye. Us waqt jab usne meri aankhon ke saamne apni aankhein humesha ke liye band karlein, toh men ek dum se ruk sa gaya. Samajh nahi aaya ke kaisa react karun. Mujhe toh hamesha laga tha ke men emotionally unavailable banda hun.
Us waqt, mere saath mera chhota bhai, aik dost, aik doctor aur uske do assistants khare the. Sab 2 lamhon ke liye khamosh hogaye. Lekin meri aankhon se aansu rukne ka naam nahi le rahe the.
Mene apni dost ke paon se canula khud nikala, uski aankhein khud band ki... aur jaise hi ye sab kiya, mere haath kaanp rahe the.
Mene iske saath apni zindagi ke aath khoobsurat saal guzaare the.
Jab ghar pohancha, toh ghar ke andar jaane ka dil nahi kiya. Mene apne bhai se kaha ke uski dead body andar le jao, aur mama ko bata do ke wo ab nahi rahi. Raat ke takreeban 2:45 ho rahe the, aur men ghar ke samne akela qabr khodne lag gaya.
Qabr khodte waqt ek bhi aansu nahi aaya.
Jab sab tayar hogaya, toh dead body uthai aur bas hawa mein dekh ke zor se keh diya:
"Isko dafnane leke ja raha hun."
Andar se aesa mehsoos ho raha tha jaise kisi ne mere pairon mein zanjeerein baandh di ho.
Jab dafnakar aaya, toh gari mein akele beth kar bohat roya.
Lekin bas wo aakhri dafa tha jo men roya tha.
Mujhe laga tha shayad men is death se guzar chuka hun, lekin nahi.
Agle kai hafton tak mujhe visual hallucinations hoti rahi.
Ghar ke har kone mein mehsoos hota ke jaise meri Arya mere saath chal rahi hai.
Bohat baar aesa hua ke koi safed kapra para dekha aur achanak ruk gaya—ye soch kar ke Arya bethi hai.
Lekin zahir hai, wo sirf aik kapra tha. Arya nahi thi.
Mere paas likhne ko ab bhi bohat kuch hai, lekin shayad men apni feelings is choti si post mein ache se bayan na kar paon.
Ab inshaAllah mulaqat aakhirat mein hi hogi, Jannat mein.
Lekin log kehte hain jaanwar Jannat mein nahi jaenge.
Men is baat ko nahi maanta.
Bezuban jaanwar bhala Jannat mein kyun nahi honge?
English version:
I used to think all of this was just hearsay.
People often say that you only realize someone's absence after they are gone. I never understood why people cry over someone's death. I mean, it's not like they weren’t supposed to leave. We all know that one day, sooner or later, we all have to go. This world is nothing but a temporary illusion, and the afterlife is our true destination. Because of this belief, I have always been somewhat cold-hearted when it comes to death.
But then, some incidents shook my perspective entirely.
A few days ago, there was a death in my family. I was sleeping when suddenly, I woke up to the sound of my mother crying. My heart sank instantly. I knew she wouldn’t be crying like this for no reason. My father was trying to console her. When I asked what had happened, my father told me that my mother’s aunt had passed away. Hearing this, I simply turned over in bed and went back to sleep.
It might sound strange, but death has never really affected me much. Even among my friends, I would talk about death, graves, and the afterlife very casually, often making them uncomfortable.
But then, something happened that I never expected.
Two months ago, my oldest and closest friend left me forever.
It took me two whole months to gather the courage to write about it. The moment she closed her eyes forever right in front of me, I felt frozen. I didn’t know how to react. I had always thought of myself as someone emotionally detached.
At that moment, my younger brother, a friend, a doctor, and his two assistants were standing beside me. Everyone stood there in silence. But my tears wouldn’t stop.
I was the one who removed the cannula from her foot. I was the one who closed her eyes… and as I did, my hands were trembling.
I had spent eight beautiful years of my life with her.
When I reached home, I didn’t go inside. I asked my brother to take her body inside and inform my mother about her passing.
By then, it was around 2:45 AM.
I went outside alone and started digging her grave.
Not a single tear fell from my eyes while digging.
When everything was ready, I lifted her lifeless body and looked up at the sky, declaring loudly:
"I am taking her to be buried."
Inside, it felt as if someone had chained my feet to the ground.
After the burial, I sat alone in my car and cried my heart out.
But that was the last time I cried.
I thought I had moved past her death. But I was wrong.
For the next several weeks, I experienced visual hallucinations.
Everywhere in the house, I felt as if Arya was walking beside me.
Many times, I would suddenly stop after spotting something white lying around, thinking Arya was sitting there.
But of course, it was just a piece of cloth. Not Arya.
I still have so much more to say, but maybe I have expressed my feelings well enough in this short post.
Now, inshaAllah, we will meet again—in Jannah.
But people say that animals won’t go to Jannah.
I don’t believe that.
Why wouldn’t innocent, voiceless creatures go to Jannah?