The stranger

Source

His presence casts a shadow over everything. He seems to suck all the joy and energy out of life, destroying anything that might otherwise be pleasant. He casts a gloomy shadow over every experience.

I'm not sure when he showed up. It feels as though he has always been here.

I can see him in my peripheral vision. Always watching, always waiting. Usually, I can ignore him for a while. I can tell myself he isn't there. I can try to ignore him. But the effects of his existence make themselves known in time.

In situations when I'm expected to act happy, or to at least act "normal", the Stranger's presence takes away my ability to feel anything besides numbness.

This irritates my family to no end.

"What's wrong with you?", they ask.

"Why can't you be cheerful?", they demand to know.

"You foolish girl! There is no Stranger. He's just something you've made up so you can get more attention.", has been their response anytime I have brought up the Stranger. So, I stopped talking about him.

"We had a hard childhood. But we weren't bothered by any Strangers.", they had told me.

During those rare times, when I'm able to overcome the Stranger's looming shadow, and feel genuine mirth and enjoyment, those around me are quick to point out, "look at you, you're smiling. Now why would you be able to smile if some Stranger is tormenting you?".

Their accusatory tone is hard to miss.

As a result of their dismissal and mockery, I began to doubt myself.

Could it be that the Stranger is only in my head?

Are they right when they say that I'm just weak? That I'm an attention seeker?

I decided to turn to the Internet.

A flood of relief engulfed me when I found that there are millions of people struggling with their own Stranger. The way he affects them may vary slightly from one person to another, but the tactics he uses are the same.

Just like me, these people feel a constant sense of emptiness and numbness.

Just like me, they too have been blamed and shamed by those around them.

And just like me, they are fighting the Stranger however they can. For many of them, therapy is their sword and shield.

Many of these people are successful and live seemingly fulfiling lives, and the Stranger still haunts them.

Talking to them, and sharing my woes has given me hope and much needed validation. I now know that I'm not weak. I'm not an attention seeker and I will not let the Stranger dictate the way I live.

The journey had not been easy. The stranger is still here. On my bad days he still casts a shadow over me. But I've learned to deal with him. I can immerse myself in new challenges, I can indulge in activities that make me feel alive. And with even something as mundane as going down to the convenience store and buying something, I can feel the Stranger's influence getting weaker.

One day, the Stranger will be reduced to a blur. Nothing but a murky spot in my field of vision.

But even then, I must not let me guard down. I must continue to strive for happiness. For he will pounce and pollute my light with his darkness, if I let him close in.