The Syrian Civil War, Explained

Most people are aware of a nasty civil war going on in Syria, but few understand what’s really going on. That isn’t surprising: there are at least four sides, all at each other’s throats, with outside groups aiding and abetting one side or the other for reasons of their own.

Here’s a way to imagine it.

Consider how the history of the American Civil War might have played out. In an alternate timeline, let us suppose that right in the wake of the firing of Fort Sumpter in 1861, Mexican mercenaries decide to come to the aid of the Confederacy in hopes of reclaiming territories lost during the Mexican-American War thirteen years earlier. At the same time, the Union begins recruiting French Canadians for reasons that will soon become apparent.

The secession of the Southern States spawns similar moves by the states of California and Oregon, which take the opportunity to secede into a Pacific Republic. Meanwhile, Mormon settlers in the Utah Territory under Brigham Young (who actually did declare the United States government to be a “mortal enemy”) establish the Holy Kingdom of Deseret. This results in an invasion and subsequent occupation by Union troops, after which Mormon mercenaries sign up to fight with the Confederacy. Other Mormons sneak into major U.S. cities and towns, creating havoc through sabotage and acts of terror.

All of this gets the attention of the British Empire, which is dependent on Southern cotton for its textile mills – and for whom the Quebecois are a thorn in the side.

Meanwhile, on the European Continent, France and Prussia (Germany), at odds with Great Britain, begin providing aid to the union. The French go so far as to secretly supply arms and support for black slaves, fomenting an uprising in the Confederacy.

At this point, the various Indian Nations start entering the fray. In the Indian Territory (present-day Oklahoma), the Cherokee and the Choctaw prepare to go to war against the Confederacy in order to win back their ancestral lands in the Carolinas, Tennessee and the Gulf States. However, CSA President Jefferson Davis makes them in offer: the return of those lands in exchange for fighting with Confederate forces. This news reaches the Iroquois Confederation, leading those tribes to enter the war on the Union side.

By now, the Great Britain is very concerned, as the war is playing havoc with the Empire's textile industry. Prime Minister Henry John Temple goes before Parliament to discuss what action the Empire should take on behalf of the Confederate States, if any. When news of this reaches Washington D.C., President Abraham Lincoln meets with Secretary of War Edward Stanton and orders him to start supplying the Irish with with arms and support in an uprising against Britain. While this keeps Britain's hands full for a time, it doesn't take long for Her Majesty Queen Victoria to realize what has happened. Before too long, Britain turns the might of the Royal Navy toward her former colonies north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Of course, this scenario did not happen. However, this bit of counter-factual history is a reasonably close metaphor for what is happening in Syria today. “It's the same song, just a different tune,” as someone once put it...