A Grumpy Conversation with the Higher Self

Greetings beloved. There are some basic concepts that need to come through. Some new ideas. The merry go round is spinning, going around and around and around. When will it stop you may ask. Never ? Why ? What should I do about it ? Can I jump off ? Surely that should be an option.

Head is low, seeming depressed. Feeling trapped. Solutions seem absent. Don't know what to do. Is there any hope ? Hope for what ? What am I hoping for ? Why am I not content ? Why am I not there ? Where is there ? What's going on. Why so lost ? Why so many questions without answers ?

The treadmill is worn. Somehow the treadmill keeps going. Will it just break one day ? What happens if one day that happens ? What do I do then ? What do I do now ? Why do I need to or feel like I need to figure it out ? Fuck ! That's what I feel. Who will save me ? Who will save you ? Who will save us ? Is there anything I can do to save myself ? Why do I need saving ? What do I need to be saved from ? Why only questions ? Where are the answers ? where are the answers...

...

Rest my child, rest. ... Fuck off ! Is that all there is to do ? How can that solve anything ? How can that save me ? Rest is the answer, trust me. I don't even know who you are, why should I trust you ? Because I am you and you are me. Do you not want to trust yourself ? How is this possible ? How can "I" from another perspective guide myself without knowing anything ? Where does the information come from ? The answer is not in an answer. The answer is just a response to the question. So maybe the question should be why so many questions. Because I feel lost ! When you feel lost don't you need to start asking questions so that you can know where you are and where you should go ? Where do you need to go ? Where is there and where is here ? What is over there you say ? Why is what's over there not here ? Why is it so much better over there ? What's wrong with here ?

What's wrong with here is that it's not complete. I am incomplete and I want to be whole again. I am ungrateful for incompleteness. It's empty and dry and sad. Sadness cannot be a destination. Sadness cannot be joy and everlasting.

You think too much. I know. What should I do about it ? That's a joke right ? Your not making any sense. You are no good to me, you are not helping ! Go get someone who can actually do something to get me out of here !

Where do you want to go ? I dunno, anywhere but here ! What's wrong with here ? Here is empty, absent of the spice of life, absent of purpose, absent of happiness, absent of existence. I feel dead, or at least somehow feel dead even thought I don't. It's a feeling that is not all encompassing, only partial. I feel 20% dead, the other 80% part feels 100% alive. It's just a black spot, a small black hole sucking and grasping, drawing in life into the nothingness of the void.

What is a black hole ? Does it exist, or is it the void of existence ? Does it only exist because of polarity ? Indeed that must be it. The black sun is a dead sun is it not ? No, the black sun is a sleeping sun. Hmmm, no, that's not it. The black sun says he's my friend. Fuck you, I don't need a black sun friend, you only bring me sorrow and pain ! That's not true, without me you wouldn't exist. What are you talking about !

The black sun is sun. It is the real sun and it's also not the real sun. It's just what it is, why label everything ? I want to understand. I know you do... I know you do. I'll sing you a lullaby so that you can sleep some more. I do want to sleep, I do want to rest, but I also don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to wake up here anymore, please get me out of here ! Shhhh, it's ok, it's ok, everything is going to be alright. Trust me. Fuck off with the trust me crap ! I'm still here right, and it's seems to have been forever, so why should I fucking trust you ? What have you done for me ? You are just sitting there watching me doing nothing, just telling me everything is going to be alright, all the while I'm suffering for eternity !

Pause...

Are you suffering ? Um, I think so. Are you sure ? No I'm not sure, I just don't feel good. I'm feel good absent. So you are absent then ? I guess so... nothing makes any sense. Who's the one who makes sense ? Well it's not me that's for sure, and you make no sense to me with your no answer answers that are just constantly contradictory. You say black is black, white is white, but black is not black, it's also white, and white is also black, the only truth is that neither are anything. So tell me how can you speak to me in that manner and expect me to understand ?

Did I say I wanted you to understand ? That statement belongs to you, you are thinking it up. I'm only here to guide you and be here with you. I'm not here to alleviate your suffering. I'm only here because you asked me to be here, because I am you and solitude is not actually a real thing. You cannot actually be alone, such a thing is a fabrication. A fabrication is a thought, it's made up of a thought. That kind of thought comes from the void side of the coin. It's duality, aren't you enjoying your duality experience ? Of course not ! You know that, why are you asking ! Well I'm enjoying it from over here, it's quite beautiful. I don't know why you insist it is so terrible. Of course you can't understand because your standing over there on the light side of the coin, how could you possible know what it feels like to be on this side ! I know what it feels like because you are on that side, and I am you remember ! I can feel everything you are feeling. I experience everything you experience. The only difference is that I am also experiencing everything else too and you are only experiencing one thing at a time, or so it may seem. I am everything and you are nothing. I am the light and you are the darkness. I emit, and you draw in. You are not different from me, you don't have the dark role or the bad role so to speak. We are the same, we are one. It's just an oscillation between two points. When you are in the dark cycle you identify with the dark, when you return to the light you identify with everything which is me as you right now speaking, meaning the light. We are one being being two. We, me are taking turns. One step, two step, three step, four. How many steps till I see I am more ? What ? More riddles huh.

You are the black sun and I am the white. How do you think we became like this ? How do you think this happened ? Really ? Your asking me ? I think you want to tell me, so tell me. We got here because.... there is no answer, it can't be understood from your perspective. There is a reason but there is also not a reason. Ideas are not real, but they are if you are you. You think there is such a thing as cause and effect. You think that there is a reason for everything. You think that everything can be explained. Well if I explain everything then you miss the point. You won't see the truth of the matter. What truth are you talking about ? The truth that you are not real. Huh, I'm not real ? You're not real you dick! fuck off ! Hahaha, of course, it's just a question of perspective. I should rephrase that. Your not real... maybe. Meaning it's only a potential. You are a process, not an actual thing. Things don't really exist, there is only motion and even that is not really a thing.

This is getting nowhere, why are you talking to me ? Because you are asking me questions. So why can't you give me a straight answer ? Because a straight answer won't help you. Please just stop trying so much and rest for a while. I'll sing you a lullaby so you can rest. Shhhh, everything is going to be alright, rest now child, rest.