Happy Halloween

Recently, I’ve been having a bit of a tough time. It’s been a kinda scary as I’ve been more emotional and there’s really nothing to blame it on. It feels like I’m losing ground on the hard mental and spiritual balance that I work so diligently on. The other day, after doing tons of backbends and hip openers, I had a flare of raw anger. It wasn’t directed at anything or anyone and I went and had deep belly cries in my bed. It’s been so long since I’ve felt anger that it really frightened me. Then, the other night, when I was supposed to be having fun dancing, I was feeling like a goats nose (Rinpoche’s expression of being overly sensitive) and ended up going home fairly early, feeling maligned. It’s weird because I’ve been doing my regular meditations, yoga, etc. I know that this time of year has always been super busy but this feels different. Then I realized that I’ve been spending next to zero time in wilderness. Aha! This is someone who spent over 10 years living without running water or electricity with no neighbors in sight. When Dave suggested that he put memory foam in the back of the car so I can spontaneously take off and drive to wilderness, I started crying. I guess I found the culprit. It makes sense. I used to only be able to be in town a few days a week and now I’m here constantly. My teacher, Rinpoche, has joked about how his students always talk about how they love to sit by a river or rocks and then they can relax. He says we can cultivate that feeling anywhere. That may be so but, he also taught me about capacity and how we need to honor our capacity while trying to grow it. This is me realizing that in order to function, I still need to have time in wilderness. It’s not in my capacity to just be go go go in town all of the time. Even just realizing this, has lifted a huge cloud over me. I seem to always be finding my edges. It’s a blessing and a curse. Thanks Dave for the lovely picture.