Children and why they are evil

You will never do this for fear of what will emerge from the nappy mid throw

This piece of advice comes from the heart to those fools who may read this who are considering having little ungrateful money pits of their own. As a parent you naturally want to provide for your children in ways that your parents couldn't (or didn't) treat you. 'Providing' often means making sure they don't starve while being loved and hugged to the point of combustion. Once your children start rolling their eyes at what soon becomes the throw away comment, 'I love you', you move into the lethal area of purchasing shit your children never even asked for. Your stupid reason for doing this is because you're in need of feeling valued and are rapidly running out of ways in which to show this. (I have a working thesis that children manipulate this situation into being, there are no accidents, children are not the cute souls adults perceive them to be.)

You first noticed it when you dropped your snot filled three year old off at school one day and they didn't give you a second look before sprinting off into the playground to be with their vastly more interesting friends. You stood there, alone, waving to nobody in particular before edging back to the safety of your car. (Which, by the way, if you have children, will forever be a mobile storage space for bits of rice cake, other food stuff and 'borrowed' toys from class.) It is then you hatch the plan to bombard them with moulded bits of plastic that you are sure they will love for at least a year.

Once again your soul is left crushed after your child's eyes light up for around 3.47 seconds. (This timing doesn't include said child removing the packaging.)

Your parents may have said to you, prior to you having rugrats of your own, that they will fill your lives with 'purpose' and other crap lies like, 'they will make you so happy.' Having children of my own I now understand that my parents are not bad people, they merely have a sick sense of humour and wanted to see their own child suffer the way I once made them suffer. What they neglected to say about having children is that you will never sleep again, or have any money, your time is not your own and forget ever hearing what silence sounds like again. (Unless you die due to the stress of having children; in which case it would be your parter who would benefit from not having to hear your constant moaning.)

Some may read this and quip, 'You're simply miserable.' and for the most part, I'd agree.

I'm not denying the joys of changing stench filled diapers, or cleaning vomit from the shoulder off of your favourite shirt, or even having to repeat yourself 37 times before you realise you're wasting your valuable time. There are magical times which you should cherish, especially when you have finally got them to sleep. Please, don't waste your time pouring wine or catching up on crap television pretending you have a semblance of a life, you don't. Your stupid arse decided to become a parent.

Your children own you.

Forvever.