It's that time again, Steemitizers! EAGLE CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! Episode 5 is next, and it's titled "So Long, and Thanks For All The Sex". Loyal readers will recall that notorious crazy bitch Penelope Bellows is, in fact, a crazy bitch - and a double-crossing, heartless one at that! So let's see where things go from here...

EPISODE 5: So Long, and Thanks For All The Sex

[As Eagle and Penelope arrive at the scene, Eagle is surprised to see a silver Dodge Charger of current model year parked in the driveway. Coincidence?]

Eagle: “No fuckin' way...”

Penelope: “Company car. I didn't think it'd slow him down, I just figured it would help you blow off some steam.”

Eagle: “Yeah, it did that. What the fuck is he doing here, though?”

Penelope: “He probably slashed the throat of the owner, now he's lying in wait inside to put a bullet into both our aortas.”

Eagle: “Is that just a good place to shoot? Or what?”

Penelope: “Yeah, it's not bad. So what do you want to do?”

Eagle: “Shit, aren't you the CIA operative?”

Penelope: “I let my man run his own calls sometimes.”

Eagle: “You egalitarian. He wouldn't do that shit, though, would he? I mean, I think I helped him kill someone a few days ago, and he does seem kind of unbalanced, but... no way, he'd kill us?”

Penelope: “Well, he'd definitely kill me. I'd kill me if I were him. You, though? I think he'd make you really sorry for going against him. And if you died in the process, he's not really at any risk of any consequences for that.”

Eagle: “Wait... so you guys can just kill me without any consequences?”

Penelope: “I wouldn't kill you, baby! But yes, technically, we can. And Garbo will, and has.”

Eagle: “Man I want to get high right now.”

Penelope: “You get high? Haha! Oh man, we're going to roast a bowl the second we get home.”

Eagle: “No way! Haha! Damn, Penelope. You really are something special.”

Penelope: “Don't make me cry!”

Eagle: “Alright, fuck it. Listen, girl, that car is really important to me. Do you know the story?”

Penelope: “No, what is it?”

Eagle: “My best friend was shot and killed by these Indonesian gangbangers during a heist for my boss. This was his car. We had worked on this car since we were in grade school, it belonged to his dad. Topher got it when he died in Afghanistan. There's a lot of history to this car and if it's the last thing I do I'm getting it back.”

Penelope: “That's... Wow, Eagle, I don't know what to say.”

Eagle: “Say you'll help me get my car back and keep me away from this psychopath.”

Penelope: “I thought you'd never ask. I'll get the key from Garbo, you just run to the car. I will be okay, I know what I'm doing. You're going to have to trust me, okay?”

Eagle: “It's worked so far. You're a fucking dream come true, Penelope.”

Penelope: “And it's only just begun!”

[Eagle begins to open the door, but Penelope jabs him in the side with the needle. He yelps, but goes limp quickly. She reaches over to close the door, and she drives away. Meanwhile, inside, Garbo turns just in time to miss the two of them driving away.]

Ashley: “Have you mastered the art of driving two cars at the same time? Or will you be picking up that beautiful machine at a later time?”

Garbo: “I'm buying it for a friend. His name is Eagle Crow. Spelled just like it sounds, I fucking know.”

Ashley: “I know why the caged bird sings.”

Garbo: “What? That doesn't even make sense. Let's speed up this transaction, please. You seem unbalanced and I don't want to linger.”

Ashley: “I've seen some shit.”

Garbo: “Haven't we all. Here. A million fucking bucks. Jesus.”

[Eventually, Eagle begins to stir awake. He finds himself with his hands bound, sitting in a chair in a room darkened all but the spotlight above his head. Classic inevitable brutal death setup.]

Penelope: “Baaaaaaby?”

Eagle: “Nggh.. what in the... fucking what the fuck?”

Penelope: “That's barely even a sentence, honey. There's no way I could possibly bring myself to stay with a guy who can't even speak properly. It's over.”

[Someone else steps into the shadows, and when Eagle sees who it is, he nearly shits.]

Carrack: “So now I have to add cheating on my daughter to the list of things I need to kill you for? Jesus, Crow, you got real retarded real quick, didn't you? What the hell happened, kid? You had fuckin' promise. No one drives like you, kid. Do you realize how much money I'm gonna be out after I gut you like a fucking fish?”

Eagle: “Mr.... Mr. Carrack, please....”

Carrack: “Nope! You don't get to fuckin' beg! You play games online, kid? You play any shooters? This match is already over, we're just waiting for the lag to catch up to us. You were dead the second you had your Fed friend kill Roland.”

Eagle: “No! That guy's not my friend! That guy was forcing me to do all this shit, and – and he killed Roland all by himself! Roland was calling me, and--”

[Penelope roundhouse kicks Eagle across the face, her leg like a brutal ladywhip.]

Carrack: “I can see why you liked this girl, Crow! She's a tiger! Whatever your story is, you were working with a Fed. I can't allow that. And you know what? I'll tell you this now, since I guess it doesn't quite matter at this point, does it? Your buddy Topher? Why do you think I sent his skinny ass as the driver on that job? You know who else was on that job? Tony Lampanelli, the guy who accidentally ran over the daughter of the guy who runs that Indonesian crew across town. When I came up with that plan I named it “Operation Garbage Disposal”.

Penelope: “That's hilarious!”

Carrack: “You're so fuckin' cute for a heartless bitch.”

Penelope: “I am cute for a heartless bitch!”

Eagle: “Penelope... what the hell?!”

Penelope: “Hey, you ever heard of this stuff called “money”? Come on, Eagle, it's nothing personal. I meant what I said, and birdy boy, I enjoyed every single minute at my place this afternoon. But the part that cares about other people to the point that I wouldn't sell them out for $1,000,000 just doesn't even exist up here.”

Carrack: “Hey, whoa, where did you get $1,000,000 from?”

[Penelope pulls out Garbo's Glock 18 and mows Carrack down. Eagle screams, hopping away in the chair, until he falls on his side.]

Eagle: “WOW! I did NOT see that coming!”

Penelope: “Yeah, don't think you're surviving this all of a sudden. I found Carrack's safe combination in a hidden folder on an external hard drive in his office. I'm gonna go get that money now, and you're going to stay here, okay?”

Eagle: “What the fuck?! Why can't you just let me go?!”

Penelope: “Well, because you're a trap for Garbo. I lied back at the condo, there was no detcord in that tie. I've been wanting to kill that son of a bitch for fucking years, and now you're going to help me make that happen. No hard feelings!”

Eagle: “What the fuck.. why did you even take me to the car if you were just going to do this?!”

Penelope: “Haven't you been paying attention? I'm a heartless bitch. I just wanted you to taste hope one last time before I revealed myself as the treasonous heartbreaker I am.”

Eagle: “Please, please! Don't kill me! I don't know, what do you want from me! I'll do anything!”

[Penelope doesn't even respond, and instead emotionlessly heads out of the giant empty darkened room. Eagle can vaguely hear silenced gunfire, then unsilenced return fire that soon falls quiet as Penelope takes out Carrack's goons guarding outside. On his side, he begins to scrape the rope binding his wrist against the metal plate on the leather wristband he wears on his left wrist. Wriggling violently, eventually the rope breaks, and he gets his hands free.

[Eagle looks down at Carrack's body. That's a problem solved, at least, right? He sees a gun tucked into his waistband, and he takes it from the corpse, tucking it in his own waistband. Approaching the wall of what appears to be a barn, he peeks his head out and sees that he is at Carrack's farm on the outskirts of Weirville. With no one else in sight, Eagle begins patting bodies, searching for car keys. When he finds them, it's a Range Rover that chirps as he presses the key fob. Climbing inside, Eagle drives for his life.]

[Back at the dealership, Garbo tries to call Eagle again. He's growing impatient now, and not to mention pretty worried, too. He dials once again.]

Garbo: “Come on, motherfucker, don't you fucking be dead.”

[Eagle hears his ringtone coming from the back seat of the Range Rover]

Eagle: “Well that's fuckin' convenient.”

[Reaching back to grab it, he sees the name on the phone and answers right away.]

Eagle: “Dude! I'm so fucking sorry, man, I'm so fucking sorry!”

Garbo: “What the fuck happened, man? You dropped off the radar, I've been calling for fucking hours! What the fuck did she do?”

Eagle: “She fucking turned me in to Carrack, and then she killed him. I think she hacked into his computer or something so she could steal his money, more than he was going to pay her, I guess.”

Garbo: “That sadistic bitch.”

Eagle: “Yeah man, I guess she is.”

Garbo: “You went pussyblind, man. Hard, too. She's good at it, but you gotta toughen up your armor against that shit. Get some pussyshades, block the pussyrays before they can corrupt your judgment.”

Eagle: “Yeah, pussyrays. What's going to happen now?”

Garbo: “I don't know, kid, I mean, she's still out there, and she probably already knows where the safe house is, so you can't go back there. I'm not going back to my place, either.”

Eagle: “Wait, why wouldn't she know where the safehouse is? She's CIA.”

Garbo: “Yeah.. yeah, sure, right, she's CIA.”

Eagle: “... that sounded dishonest.”

Garbo: “Alright kid, fine, you're pretty deep into this shit now, so I guess I'll bump your security clearance a little. Penelope works for an agency called the NCSS. There are like, I don't even know... probably at least a couple hundred small, armed, competing intelligence agencies in this country, and that's one of them. CIA is top, of course, that's something everyone knows and only a fucking idiot would dispute, but it's not alone.”

Eagle: “No... fuck you, are you for real?”

Garbo: “Yeah, unfortunately it's the case. We've got a lot of paranoid people with the power to just create shit out of thin air with the stroke of a pen in DC, so a new one pops up every couple months. The paper trail that sets them up is so fuckin' obfuscated with false trails and dead ends that no one fuckin' knows who sets them up – except for the fact that obviously it's fuckin' Congresspeoples doing it, since all the financial shit we've found traces right back there. Dead ends before names, though.”

Eagle: “Dude, so it's just like a gang war.”

Garbo: “No, man, this is the government, not gangs.”

Eagle: “Sounds like gangs.”

Garbo: “Yeah well it's not. CIA is the biggest and best, and the reason people like Penelope hate me is because I have proven to be particularly talented when it comes to sniffing out spooks from these departments of upstart motherfuckers. That's why Waffle House is sacred, do you get that now?”

Eagle: “No, that's... I'm still completely lost on the Waffle House thing.”

Garbo: “Well, I'll tell you all about it. At Waffle House. By the way, I bought your car back. No big deal.”

[Penelope returns with a full duffel bag full of cash and valuables, and is disappointed to find that Eagle has disappeared. She looks down at her phone. The phone's wallpaper is Eagle's face as he sleeps, with her kissing him on the cheek in a selfie. She sighs heavily.

[And the episode ends. Ending theme: “Heart of Gold” cover by Charles Bradley.]