My conclusion after reading every "how to get upvoted by a whale" post!

I've been on Steemit for a few weeks now, which is enough to see plenty of "how to" posts explaining exactly how to make your post attract an upvote from a whale. They're all a little different, but after reading so many of them, I can finally say something for certain:

How do you make sure you get a whale's upvote?