HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE XVII: ALLIES AND FOES
Greetings loyal followers.
I need to wait for the applause to die down before proceeding.
This may take a while.
My executive assistant Vera, who is the only ally anyone would ever need, has informed me that it has been over four of your months since I graced all of you with a transmission. Although there are clearly problems caused by the non-linear timeline on which our two galaxies operate, I assured her that this could not possibly be the case. You would all die if I did not send out thoughtful, well written, yet very brief transmissions filled with my brilliant ideas and MANY CAPITAL LETTERS at least 10 to 59 times each day.
However, in the event that you have been denied my brilliance for more than a single day, I think an explanation of my absence is required.
During the past four of your Earth months, when I am not playing golf on the Empire's credits, I have been executing a brilliant new strategy. Even though I am the most brilliant, strong, attractive and powerful being in any universe, I sometimes get bored.
Usually, I entertain myself by allowing one of the gorgeous females who flock to me to be blessed by a little one on one time with me. Unfortunately, that is getting a little expensive and I am running out of friends who will compensate these women for their discretion. I can't have them informing the galaxy of the fact that I am even better than they could have ever imagined in their wildest dreams. I am already swamped by females on a daily basis. I can't add any more until I drain that swamp.
I was never with this woman. In fact I have never seen her before in my life. You can ask her. She has 130,000 reasons to agree with me.
Therefore, I have decided to have a little fun by seeing how fast I can turn my allies into foes and and foes into allies.
The turning allies into foes aspect is actually quite simple. For example, there is the Alien Union (AU) comprised of long established Imperial allies such as the Hutts, Noghri, Rodians, and Trandoshans. If someone asks who the Empire's foes are, I simply drop this nugget on them:
"Well, I think we have a lot of foes. I think the Alien Union is a foe, what they do to us in trade. Now, you wouldn't think of the Alien Union, but they're a foe."
Bam!
And now my old allies are those haters. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Not just one instant foe, but many!
If that does not work, I can always talk about our military alliance with those and other systems. The main purpose of a military alliance is to pledge to aid each other in the event of an attack. Do you know what is guaranteed to anger the members of an alliance? If you say you might not honor your pledge if you do not feel like it. If you really want to alienate (that made me laugh) them, try insulting one of the allies while stating that you may or may not honor the alliance.
If that does not infuriate all of them, I am certain pointing out what cheapskates they all are will do the trick. All I need to do is remind them that by some accounts, the Empire is paying for 900000% of the alliance, with many systems nowhere close to their .0000002% commitment.
As a choclime twist on top of the marsh-root souffle, I can simply say that one of the members is completely controlled by our enemy The Black Sun and its leader Prince Xizor, who is inexplicably shirtless much of the time.
Xizor also likes to be photographed riding horses, hunting and fishing while shirtless.
I realize many on your system are not very well informed when it comes to political matters but that is OK, I love the poorly educated! Out of pity for those of you whose IQs are so tiny compared to mine, I will provide you with some intelligence on Prince Xizor. Prince Xizor is the totalitarian leader of The Black Sun: one of the most bitter enemies of the Empire. He is known for limiting freedom, brutal methods to gain obedience, and Imperial intelligence has found that he meddled in the Empire's selection of leaders for their systems.
However, I have come to a realization that the Empire may have been too hasty in its decision to call Xizor and The Black Sun it's foe.
Xizor has big plans for The Black Sun. He wants to edge out its neighbors so that The Black Sun can dominate fuel cell supplies to all of The Outer Rim. I respect Xizor and The Black Sun but cannot believe our leader (The Emperor) allows them to get away with so much... helmets off to the The Black Sun.
Although I do not know him personally as I have never been anywhere near The Black Sun's territory and I have no deals or loans (from Black Sun lenders), I think I'd get along very well with Prince Xizor. I just think so.
Look at those two strong, powerful, sexy leaders. I am going to enjoy being this guy's wing man.
And I believe the feeling is mutual. Xizor himself said that I am "a talented being" and "brilliant". If he says great things about me, I'm going to say great things about him. I've already said, he is really very much of a leader. I mean, you can say, 'Oh, isn't that a terrible thing' -- the being has very strong control over a system. But certainly, in that system, he's been a leader. In fact he is such a strong leader that I don’t see any reason why it would be The Black Sun that meddled in the Imperial selections.
It is always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his own system and beyond. I have always felt that The Black Sun and the Empire should be able to work well with each other towards defeating The Rebellion and restoring order, not to mention trade and all of the other benefits derived from mutual respect.
He's been very nice to me. If we can make a great deal for the Empire and get along with The Black Sun that would be a tremendous thing. I would love to try it.
But that will have to wait.
I need to catch up to this inhabitant of your planet.
She wants me so much that she has even started to dress like me.
Longest standing ovation ever. Much longer than the Emperor has ever received. TREMENDOUS OVATION!
Grab me!
We used to be friends, now we're foes. Ask me why? No one knows.
Shirtless Xizor
BFFs
She doesn't have a bad word to say about me.
I think even the wife of this weird little president (he runs a mishmash of states on our planet and thinks he is the greatest ruler of all) wants to secretly be your first lady @lordvader
She looks like the kind of woman who can stand idly by while her man does unspeakably evil things. My kind of lady!
no one does it better, all while pretending to care for the children...
This is pretty funny. Vader will restore peace and prosperity to his empire. Great job on the satire.
Genius! Almost wet myself laughing out loud xD
You need to get to the refresher as quickly as possible. Or get yourself some droids to clean you up.
Almost I said. But indeed I need some refreshing service due to hellish temperatures on this desert moon.
Your Highness, Even the priests and crows have started dressing like you. But what of the rumors that one of your former generals (the one with the real hairpiece) is being investigated by the galactic Senate for crimes against the taxpayers? And what of the suggestions that these investigations may lead back to members of your immediate family, exposing previous deals you'd rather not make public? Would it not have been wiser to tazer your general's sorry ass when he was still head of your armies?
FAKE NEWS! I see you have fallen victim to your system's propensity to report lies and deceit. SO SAD!
If there were such a traitor in my midst, I could stand on Coruscant's Uscru Boulevard and Force choke him and still not lose any of my loyal followers.
There's a strange orange creature that is gaining power in our system. He seems to consider himself the best at everything. I think it's time you showed him just how wrong he is.
I showed this one.
OMG, finally we have been blessed with the return of he who loves himself. I am so happy to hear that you are reaching out and building those difficult relationships throughout the galaxy. It must be so taxing on you. i completely understand how you could have lost track of time being surrounded by such greatness. Btw, I hope that your handicap has improved. It is important to be at the top of your game when so many eyes are in you.
I played 18 holes today.
I shot an 18.
Haha lol
wow very nice article i like this article. so many reason i like this article. mainly article like this point...
the applause to die down before proceeding.
the non-linear timeline on which our two galaxies operate.
Earth months, when I am not playing golf on the Empire's credits.
the Alien Union (AU) comprised of long established Imperial allies such as the Hutts, Noghri, Rodians, and Trandoshans.
the Empire is paying for 900000% of the alliance, with many systems nowhere close to their .0000002% commitment.
Prince Xizor is the totalitarian leader of The Black Sun: one of the most bitter enemies of the Empire.
The Black Sun that meddled in the Imperial selections.
I find the history of your country very interesting, like many other countries, its beginnings always focus on disputes with the Indians and people who abuse power, so independence begins, reading this helped me a lot to understand why it is important to know the history, Teach to open your eyes and have your own judgment.
Are you a Gungan?
It is finished then. You have restored peace and justice to the galaxy.
Peace and justice? Doubtful.
Order?
Most certainly.
I am sure that is the rebel resistance that has blocking your myriads of transmission from getting to us, your most adoring fans from a insignificant ball of rock orbiting an insignificant star out near the edge of the galaxy. (please don't blow up our planet)
And, i think i saw an empire transport parked in a small, out of the way, parking lot in Tijuana. It seems to be covered in about a years worth of dust. Just thought i would let you know.
I have not decided if I will blow up your planet or not. So far this steem is one of the only useful things your primitive people have ever created. It has kept you alive for over two years.
.