15 People Who Make Us Want to GTFO This Planet
by Ant Cat
Earth is generally a pretty nice place to live - we have trees, whales, birds, lovely sunsets, and so on. However, some people we really just can’t stand - their very existence makes us question everything we’ve every known and loved. We start asking ourselves existential questions like, do I even belong on this planet? Am I of this world? Should I just GTFO this insane planet already? If you were considering the next permanent trip to Mars or elsewhere in the cosmos, here are 15 people who will expedite your decision.
This Screaming Nazi
Look at this guy. Young, probably still in college, probably up way too late before his class tomorrow, and probably a lot on his mind, like being angry for being born ugly. I can try to have compassion for his anger. But we have no sympathy for racists, and less sympathy for racists who self organize with candles and pitchforks at Godforsaken hours of the night trying to promote the Aryan race. What’s scary is that there are tons of people around him all probably just as angry. He’s the face of racist anger. He makes us want to GTFO this planet.
This Self-Absorbed Brat
Look the other way, you shameless bikini person. Drinking on the beach, posing, while there’s a rage of fiery destruction behind you. Do you think you look cool? Why don’t you join those shoebies sitting 50 ft behind you? (who wears black to the beach anyway, or jeans for that matter). Are you just too-good looking for them, Miss Selfish Brat? Is that what you think? Well, I’m gonna GTFO of here and away from you, forever.
This Meme Cosplayer
Internet Memes belong in one place - every Internet-connected computer in the world. Kinda like Skynet from The Terminator 2. This guy is clearly not a computer. He probably thinks he’s clever, a sort of joining of the digital realm and the meatspace. He looks like he just ate four Krispy Kreme donuts and is starting to have regrets. I’ll be walking the other direction from him, after I remind him what he really secretly knows - no, doofus, that’s not cosplay.
**This Fonzi Wannabe
**
Ok, this guy is a cartoon, I get it, but look at this Fonzi wannabe. No one dresses like that unless they’re trying to be cool, and when you’re trying to be cool, you probably aren’t. No way, dude - I’m going to one of the moons of Uranus for a permanent residence away from you.
Mr. Smiles Over Here
What is Mr. Smiles doing? Is that…mini table tennis? Or “ping pong” as the plebs refer to it. One handed ping pong, no less. Part of me wants to say, wow, I’m amazed this exists. Most of me says, wow, I’m going to exit this planet immediately and live on the moon, far from Mr. Smiles.
Mr. Blue Pusher Over Here
I found the reason why people dislike their managers. It started with Mr. Blue Pusher. He’s the sole reason why Marxism is even a concept. That’s not how you push a truck, man. You need to join everyone else. Get off your high horse/truckbed.
Mr. Silvertooth
This guy is so dumb I don’t know where to begin. That’s clearly toxic, and it looks ugly. I mean he was already ugly, and maybe his idiot friend thought a little chrome to the mouth would freshen him up - Mr. Silvertooth clearly chose the path to the Dark Side. Paul Wall does not approve.
This Cracker Lady
I don’t take selfies of myself eating crackers. I’ve done some stupid stuff but I’m not about to just pause my precious snack-eating time by showing everyone that I’m eating crackers. No one cares - I’m going to directly to Mars, to get away from you, and I can eat my crackers in peace without showing the whole world like I’m some kind of selfish cracker twat.
Redundant Actually Mean Person That I Want To Get Away From
Thankfully, I don’t have a picture of the person with the middle caption, or I would probably want to punch the photo. I imagine this person has a very punchable face, and - in a daily attempt to avoid being punched - he just sits on the Internet and just wrongly accuses innocent Internet folk. No thanks, I’d rather vacation on the rings of Saturn than read this guy’s awful lecture on grammar.
Mr. Overproductive & Outta Control
Whoa, we’re dealing with a badass over here. Don’t you dare talk to this guy, he has no control! He’s trying to get the next achievement in Warcraft, so you better not even come close, or he’ll probably wrap you in a chokehold and talk your ear off about why dwarves are actually superior to elves. One ticket to Mars, please.
Face Tat Man
I’ll admit it - Mike Tyson’s face tattoo is alright. I mean, Mike looks the part. However, what’s going on with this guy? Is that a naked alien wrapped around his eyeball? Is his eyebrow a pillow for the creepy humanoid resting on his face? I can’t even deal with this, it makes me want to chill out on one of Jupiter’s moons.
This Guy
No words - Off to the moon I go.
This Guy’s Barber
Ya know what, I’m being a little mean. Maybe this guy has disabilities and didn’t want what he was thinking. But his barber had the razor. The barber knew exactly what he was doing. And he did it anyway. Some requests you just can’t accept. I know he would’ve lost $10 that day, but dignity is dignity. The Barber Force should take away his Scissors/Badge/whatever. And in a world where some people will do literally anything for money, including giving a hideous haircut like this, well, I’d rather not be on that world.
Mr. Cultural Appropriator Makes Me Want to Pack My Bags For Jupiter
Actually, I’m not even sure you can call this cultural appropriation. This is just being a complete dumbass, and I’m being as nice as I can be here.
Gimme a Break!
Something makes me doubt that the good people over at the Kit-Kat Kompany paid him to get this awful tattoo. But if they knew about it, they probably wouldn’t stop him, since hey, it’s free advertising. I also wouldn’t stop him, because I would have immediately done an about-face and hiked straight to planet Neptune.
Well, that’s it. After seeing these people, I think I’m gonna set Elon Musk’s tweets to push notification and just wait for the first ride off this place. Later everyone.