Why are there penises all over the garage: an attempted explanation

In the last week a series of weird things happened and it’s hard to for me to write right now because there are a million (4) people in my house tearing out cabinets and walls because of the flood damage so I just put it on instagram but people were still very confused so I’m taking a second to update you on how I defended my house from snakes with penises.

Later that day a lovely person on twitter was like, “Hey! You got the bag of dicks! They were a gift, not a threat.” (And in fairness they are lovely to squeeze, especially when you’re silently glaring at some dude who is being a total asshole. Also, they don’t have that weird chemical stink like most of them do, which is nice. (The squishy toys, I mean. Not penises.) And they were so awesome that I stuffed a handful of them in my purse to give to a friend.

And then I clarified in the comments that it was very small and nonaggressive. And then I had to clarify again that I was referring to the snake and not the penis. And also that I was lightly whacking the snake, not the penis. And if I’m being honest it was actually several penises that I left behind me in a trail as I chased it out through the garage because my purse was stuffed with them and it was open and I was dropping shit out of it while I was whacking, like I was Hansel & Gretel if Hansel and Gretel used adorable severed penises instead of breadcrumbs.

PS. A breakdown of responses to my Instagram video: 70% said it was a helpful snake that would kill pests. 30% were like, “BURN THE HOUSE TO THE FOUNDATION AND SALT THE EARTH SO NOTHING EVER GROWS AGAIN. 1% wanted me to adopt the snake, and if I did I would have named it ‘Hisstopher Columbus’ because he didn’t seem to give a shit that SOMEONE ALREADY LIVES HERE, DUDE. Almost everyone thought I’d buried the lede and just wanted to know more about the penises. You are welcome.