From hopefulness to hopelessness
Hello.
It's been a while since I haven't written anything... again.
Lately, I'm trying to get my life back on track even if I feel slightly deceived by some of my most dear ones. I've started to evaluate every little thing and situation, and every single person in my life including my family. I think it's time for me to do a small soul purification. In just the last couple of years, I've experienced another death of a parent and best friend, depression, financial issues, and a breakup of a significant relationship. So I'm sitting silently in a corner observing, taking notes and identifying those few for–a–life–time friends... Sometimes I just feel mentally trapped in a deep black hole when I'm around them, unable to preserve my calm or any positive vibes. I keep explaining to them that for someone to change behavior it requires time and perseverance, facts not words, but, unfortunately, I still see so many walking forward with their back facing the front... prone to recall shitty events rather than positive ones.
All of us desire to become a better version of ourselves, but, some of us are just too stuck in the past without seeing the blessings of the present day.
Apparently, in the last few months for some of my friends, it's much easier to be the victim after they were the ones throwing mud at me and blaming me for the "misunderstanding" instead of accepting their mistake, and fixing it. So many times I had hope that their failure will teach them a lesson, but it didn't. I guess it's much easier to sugar coat shit and not to admit guilt or to take responsibility for your acts. Playing dumb is an exciting card that I'll actually keep in my sleeve too from now on. With no emotions left, I'll treat you in the same fucking way you're treating me. Sadly, I have to admit that all this "analyzing" could leave me with fewer friends than I'm expecting. Imagine that I'm not disappointed by just one friend. It looks like I'm already losing besties and this had me worrying... Wondering if was something wrong with me, but it turns out that I'm fine. So I'm done listening to people, who pretend to hear back and pretend to care only to serve their needs of me.
I'm at the point where some of my good old friends are "people who I used to know," and for as much as it tears me apart me to say it out loud, they've become irrelevant to my life right now as I've become nothing more than gossip for them. Probably I sound like a real bitch, complaining without reasons, but I think I've got enough evidence until this moment to wake up and be aware of the changes around me.
"Maybe because now all of our lives have a different path, we don't connect like before."
Many friends now have kids, or they're married, or whatever, while I'm still living la Vida Loca (kinda). I want to move on with my life, and I just can't afford to have my dear ones pulling me back into their complete blur. This last year I've isolated myself from many people... and, unfortunately, I still do because I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm not one of those individuals who cannot move on from the past experiences. I'm always optimistic and forgiving, but I think it's normal to want my besties to take action with me. Only like this we can grow, learn and succeed. TOGETHER.
Friendship is a relationship that enhances your life, not complicate it worse. I love my friends who I don't see for months sometimes, and the bond is still strong as ever. Of course, losing a friend, it's a god damn painful feeling... but to be finally aware that I was used and kind of betrayed by the people who I once considered family, it hurts so badly. Doubtless, I miss our friendship, that place where we forget the reality for a minute. Our gatherings, laughs, games, etc. I miss my girls, but since they are better off... Hey, who am I to complain, right?!
<At the same time, an example of what to avoid and another lesson learned>
Anyway! My patience is melting like the icebergs in Greenland, and I've decided to give my friends some more space and time to really think about the word friendship and process its actual meaning. I can testify, pinky swears that I did the same all these years, but now I'm tired towards bored! I prefer to stick with people who aren't afraid to show who they indeed are or if they've changed, and not with people whose brains are limited strictly to their problems, paranoid thoughts and selfishness.
Today it was the bigger picture and how I feel, but from next time I'll start to type about each and one of my friends.
Stay liquid, stay strong. Perseverance is the key. Luv, M.