The Kind of Dad I Want to Be (Being afraid that you are not doing "good enough" can make you do worse in any arena, including parenting.)
Fear of failure.
I have been thinking a lot recently about my role in my son's life as a father, a guide, and a friend. Am I doing good enough? Why am I so stressed out so often? What if horrible situation "A" happens and it is all my fault? What if horrible situation "B" happens and it is all my fault? Is he developing and thriving healthily, emotionally and physically?
As I am staring out the window here in the local Starbucks, and he is at his Montessori school (which tuition is paid for by Steem, thank you very much) I am seeing now that perhaps all this "working" is in fact unnecessary. Him seeing me so nervous all the time, and so stressed out because I want to give him the best life, and be the best dad is going to stress him out, and severely diminish my capacity to be an open, happy and loving daddy, right?
I should just fall back and accept my place as a human being--fallible, with a very limited realm of control, and doing my best. After all, this is what will ultimately set him free to be himself. I mean, I grew up seeing my dad as uptight as hell about everything. Almost constantly worried, depressed, and anxious. I guess I picked this up as the way one is supposed to deal with life.
What does that do to a kid? I remember feeling like it was my responsibility to make my dad happy, because he seemed so sad. When I couldn't do it, I felt it was my fault. You know, I would have rather him fucked up majorly here and there and been happy and free than to have been consumed by worry and emotionally unavailable (to both himself and me).
When a kid sees that their parent has accepted life, for better or for worse, with a free, open, and positive attitude, and accepts that some things are just out of our realm of control as humans, the kid is then free to develop and take ownership of his or herself, without feeling a sense of responsibility for the parent's well-being, or receiving the message that life is to be "controlled" through fear or worry.
I feel, upon thinking here, that I really need to lighten up. Stop worrying. Accept that life is full of risk, but is also very wonderful, and STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. I have to be myself, and own my own thoughts, my own actions, and my own choices for better or for worse--not seeking to control that which I cannot at all, or blame anyone or anything in order to excuse myself from the self-responsibility of being a unique, inimitable, and totally alone (only ourselves can truly know our own joys and pains) and self-responsible human being subject to the all the wonderful, thrilling, painful, profound, beautiful, healing, damaging, lovely, toxic, fascinating, happy, strange and scary things this planet has to offer to us little guys (we are all children at heart, after all).
It is then, and only then, that my son will have the message reinforced that he is free to be himself, and that who he is needs not be defined by anyone else's expectations, even--and especially--his dad's.
I don't need to be "perfect." Trying for it just seems to make everything so much less perfect, anyway, doesn't it?
~KafkA
Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)
Daoism is what this post reminds me of. Im not one, although I have a certain attraction to it. You are what you are, accepting it will make your life much easier. Self doubt is a decision to not accept yourself. Look, I'm a father too, I could be more gentle at times, More understanding, more easy going... On and on. Sometimes that isn't our strong points. Its alright. Our wives/girlfriends have an expectation that may be impossible, some fantasy. Your goal is to raise your children as best you can, no one is perfect. The hardest thing is to let go of your worries and know you will contribute something to your kid no one can. Your an intelligent guy that knows far more about the world than most ever will. When the time is right and your kid questions his/her very existance, there will be no one in reach that could possibly lay it out like you. Good luck bro, do your best and there is no regret.
Wow man. Thanks so much for the kind words. I really appreciate what you said there at the end especially, and from one father to another, let's go on in peace and non-perfectionism.
Yeah man, I lived in Japan for 7 years as a military brat, why I followed you actually. Yokota Air Base. I miss Japan, but most of all it's people. A mind opening experience to be in another culture as honorable as Japan. When I was a teen, Chu-hi was an awesome beverage, maybe it's too sweet as I like whisky nowadays, I sent you some steem have one on me.
Thanks! I will do that tonight! ;)
I am a whisky/beer guy myself, but do enjoy a nice chu-hi now and then. Not familiar with Yokota, I'll have to check that out.
Right on man. Can't buy those in the U.S. by the way.
It's a suburb of Tokyo, not much excitement there to be honest. It's basically in Fusa City.
I think as parents we all worry that we might be inadequate in some way, or that we aren't doing enough/being enough for our kids. It kind of comes with the territory. But it seems like you are parenting with the objective always in mind of raising a free individual. And that is rare, indeed. With that as your guiding principle, I pretty much guarantee you'll do more good than harm.
I often find that the things I worry most about as a mom end up taking care of themselves. For instance, I was so worried about my daughter learning to read (she was a delayed reader) that it caused me major anxiety for several years. However, I stuck to my unschooling guns and backed off, trying to trust in her process. At ten, she taught herself to read, and now is perfectly fluent. So maybe I did all that worrying for nothing. Have you ever found that to be true?
Definitely. In fact, I was just thinking about that. I also am reminded of that famous Mark Twain quote:
So good to hear about your daughter! Proof that kids develop just fine on their own time!
Thanks! Great post. I needed to see this.
As it sometimes happens, parents see the little ones as more grown up than they really are and start to share with them the worries or fears. At an age, where children primarily learn by imitating their parents, this starts shaping their questioning and impressionable minds the wrong way. It is very important for parents not to credit their children with understanding and reasoning powers beyond their age. To compartmentalize. To actively remember that they are being observed. And to set as best as possible an exemplary example. While at the same time carefully and gently exposing/guiding the child to reality.
Thanks for sharing your story. The very fact that you think so much for your child shows that you are a great father! Good luck. And happy parenting.
beautifully written
Thank you ✨✌🏽
Same. At least we are all using doubt to improve ourselves as fathers. Silver lining.
that was a good read 👍
Thanks for reading and commenting. I always appreciate it ⭐️
enjoy your post , in fact , life need not to be perfect , everything ! just enjoy our life ! i don't know whether i am right or not .
Seriously, we are not ought to be perfect in all we do. Yes we have lapses. But ot all depends on how you manage your life.
Whoa good to hear steem pays the fees of ypur boy.
It also helps me out over here.
What a wonderful post..
I envy you child.. Because he have the best dad..
Thank you 🙏
and how comes that mothers do it naturally? never afraid to hold child into hands or something? fathers always think how to do that .
Seriously, we are not ought to be perfect in all we do. Yes we have lapses. But ot all depends on how you manage your life.
Whoa good to hear steem pays the fees of ypur boy.
It also helps me out over here.
What a wonderful post..
I envy you child.. Because he have the best dad..