Failed Diets and What Happened #4: The "Celery And" Diet

After reading a huge amount about how diets worked and didn't work, I used the "calorie model" to figure out a food that could be consumed with negative calories - celery. It took more calories to eat celery than one got out of it.

• Diet Name: The "Celery And" Diet
• Who put me on it: This idiot
• How it's supposed to work: Celery is negative calories. Therefore you can eat anything you like as long as there's an equal portion of celery by weight.
• Length of time I kept to it: As long as it took for me to chew my way through about three entire stalks of celery
• How I fared on this fare:

Celery tastes like grass. Let's be clear on that. It is essentially grass. I know this because I tried some when I was (a) about 10, (b) daft, (c) curious as to see what my guinea pigs saw in it. I do not understand why people chew on a piece of grass, or why it's such a thing that it became a comic/cartoon staple to mean 'hick'.

With that established, eating anything that tastes like grass was a quick recipe for disaster and unhappiness. The 'and' in these recipes was usually something enjoyable like peanut paste or cream cheese, or a homemade dip made with cream cheese and sachet soup-in-a-cup powder.

I did not appreciate eating something that tasted like grass. No matter what it came with. I grew very, very tired of this nonsense.

• The Exception: You can take my chocolate from my cold, dead hands
• The Failure Point: I do remember looking at a selection of celery and feeling a descending plummet into depression and deciding that I was absolutely DONE with this diet
• End Result: An intense willingness to eat literally anything without celery in it
• Retrospect Analysis:

This was pretty much all fats, all protein, and fibre to offset any carbs, but it did not satisfy. The killer for all of it was the unadulterated monotony, and forcing myself to eat very little else but one food I absolutely H-A-T-E-D. There was no way I was going to maintain this.

This diet was, again, nearly Keto friendly, but the portions were completely wrong. Variety, flavour, and the ability to opt out of the whole celery element may have helped.

This was the diet that turned me into the grumpiest of grumps. Not good for the family around me.

Next Disaster: The Supreme Portion Control Diet.