"I have lost passion for my husband but I don't want to cheat. What is the solution?"
Hi,
I am 24 years old and have been married for two years. My husband has a lot of good qualities – charming, successful, ambitious, funny, sociable, intelligent, gentle and great in bed. But his appearance is not so great; he isn’t exactly ugly, but he isn’t so good looking either. I love him very much though.
Recently I met a guy in university who is not only smart and full of talent but gorgeous and very handsome. We talk regularly and he constantly sends messages that he would like to have “something” with me. I feel sexually attracted to him and hardly can hold myself back in his presence.
My husband and I are very open-minded about our sex life and have already experienced threesomes (the third has been another woman).
Although I don’t want to cheat on him and I am not looking for excuses to do so, I am hopeless. How can I ignore temptations like this? How am I expected to have sex with the same person for 50 years? The boredom will kill me.
Jude
Credit: theblackmouth
Jude,,
There are several moral questions here –
· Can or should a threesome be considered an act of infidelity?
· And fantasies? Is having them cheating?
· Is cheating a sin?
But because every human being has his or her own moral criteria and no one but you has the right to tell you how to live your life, I will put the moral dilemma aside and address the potential consequences of the steps you are still hesitating to take.
If you have sex with the good-looking guy (“the model”) it will come out sooner or later – without a doubt – and your relationship will face a serious crisis. You will then both have to decide whether your love is strong enough to get over the trauma and over the loss of trust to enable a process of healing.
It is the same situation that you have right now, only today you operate under much better conditions. You have not hurt anyone, you didn’t cross any red line and you have the comfort and time to make wise decisions.
Obviously, the passion in your marriage is over or at least dimming. You are overflowing with concern about what seems to be the decay of intimacy with your husband; you are afraid for the future and of losing the zest for life. So you are on the lookout for ways to invigorate your life, to make your heart sing again and to feel Eros streaming in your veins. As always, when you look for something, the universe provides the needed opportunities and leaves the decision to you. But know that no fling or casual affair can ever replace the abundant loving energies that a lasting relationship brings. A fling would only revive your spirit for a short while after which you would be frustrated again and would look for more shallow sexual adventures.
You have evidently not yet experienced the deeper realms of love that can only be revealed and explored in time with a trusted partner. Any attempt to investigate the psyche and its sexual component is a lifelong endeavor that requires patience, focus and dedication.
You have put yourself on the path that would eventually take you to places of empowerment, self-knowledge and deeper understanding of yourself, your body, your reality and your world. When you reach that place you will know new depths of intimacy and your life will be transformed (including your sex life). How do I know? Because you chose, two years ago, to get married!
Have you changed your mind? If so, divorce your husband right now, become single again and experience as much casual sex and as many flings as you want without hurting anyone. When someone decides to get married s/he declares – and the universe hears - that s/he is ready to commit; the commitment is not only towards another human being but towards the bigger Self and towards the path of awakening.
If you still care about your path choose to develop yourself within your relationship. Do it with your husband without any interference from strangers. Not in intimate conversations and certainly not in bed.
Good luck!
you should exercise of being contented, instead of exercising of being discontent. if you exercise of being discontent you won't find a real partner in your life, it is very important that you enlighten yourself first before entering in the kingdom of marriage. That's the whole purpose of marriage "maturity" that means you are psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually equipped. :)
Your conclusion is so accurate that 10 years ago I would have changed my life, I never noticed what I was doing and because of my inexperience and I lost a great relationship without wanting it.
I insist that everything changes with a little maturity, at my age I will talk to my partner and look for ways to revive the relationship, but we don't always have the tools we need to answer our questions, things happen for a reason, but if this post happened 10 years ago, possibly I was in a happy relationship, thanks for your wise advice, happy night.
🙏
Oh, this is such a broad topic, but I think that it boils down to what you said, it's a matter of getting to know oneself and understanding our limits and our preferences.
And about your questions, I'd like to address them, if you don't mind:
Threesomes are consensual, and if both parts of the marriage agree to it, how could it be considered "infidelity"? (Unless we can be guilty of "unfaithful thoughts".) But it is a fact that many people tend to have sexual thoughts about other people regardless of whether they are their partner or not, so I don't think that a partner could be angered by someone else's thoughts instead of their actions (like proper cheating).
Does a God exist? Or some supernatural force that regulates life and creates what "sins" are? If so, then we'd have to ask them what they think about cheating. If not, then there is no sin but immoral acts (condemned by social convention).
I agree with your answer, everything depends on the morality of the people. I suppose that if this couple is together it's because before committing they defined their rules, it will be wrong only if being with the "model" breaks those agreed rules.
Indeed.
Each person has their morality, but once making a bond they should stick to what was agreed 🤝
Sometimes we make agreements that can be unanimously discontinued. Yeah, it's disappointing and very sad, it will feel terrible and may bring unfortunate consequences, but in this case, for example, if continuing the marriage will bring her to a life of pain until she's old, loyally holding to the agreement regardless of consequences may not be the best choice.
You already suggested the possibility of divorce, but I wanted to reinforce the idea that contracts cannot bind people beyond their ability to follow them without incurring in self-damage, in my opinion, at least.
Neediness isn’t sexy. By neediness, I mean that your sense of self-worth and sense of security and lovability are tied to how your partner treats you rather than to how you feel about yourself and to how you treat yourself. If your partner has to have sex with you for you to feel that you are okay, that may be a turnoff to your partner. Women especially want their man to be in their power — not coming to them like a needy little boy. I’ve often heard women say, “When I visit my husband at work, I’m so turned on to him because he is coming from his personal power, but as soon as he gets home, he turns into a needy little boy and all the turn-on is gone.”
It’s not just women who want their partner to have their own self-worth. I’ve worked with many men who are not attracted to their wives because their wives are needy and demand sex to feel okay about themselves. And it’s not just heterosexual couples who struggle with this. This same issue comes up over and over with my gay clients as well.
The issue here is whether or not you are taking personal responsibility for your own feelings and well-being. When you have learned to love and value yourself, then making love with your beloved is a way to express your love rather than a way to get love and validation.
I wonder why she got married. After only two years she is looking for pleasure somewhere else. Even though I’m not fan of divorce, your advice to her to consider it is right on point. If she loves her husband she should tell this other guy to stop hitting on her. She would feel much better. If she is too week to tell him, her marriage is not as strong as she though, when she got married.
I'm not in favor of divorce either. For me, marriage is sacred and once two people have made their minds to unite their lives, then it means something. A big something. The problem is that nowadays people get married for the wrong reasons.
It is simple, if you are having second thoughts you where not ready for marriage, some people are not meant for married life, especially if you marry from such a young age...
Not everyone is ready for the commitment of marriage at such young ages.
Indeed. Our world lacks more deep information and wisdom about relationships and marriages.
I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together
Lost passion or purpose is difficult to rekindle.....finding your passion/purpose is extremely difficult to figure out.....I'm glad you found yours.
I feel your excitement for what you do - it's kind of infectious actually :) You have a zest for life that I don't often see.
I enjoy reading your blogs. Thank you!
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