I ordered my wife off Craigslist
I ordered my wife a week ago from an engineering student named Jack. He'd posted an ad on Craigslist offering some exquisite services, and delivered her ready-to-use in a large cardboard box just a week later. She was everything I could have wished for. A sleek black chassis housed what must have been a fuckload of processing power, liquid cooling, and a power supply that could electrocute an elephant. Her front contained a mechanical keyboard with red switches and a built-in high resolution monitor. On top of being able to run the latest games on ultra in 120 fps, she also housed the latest advancements in artificial intelligence. I was surprised to pick her up for just 500 grand, but Jack needed the tuition money. "Take good care of her. She's my masterpiece," He'd said.
The lights flickered in my house when I plugged her in. The screen came to life, revealing a smiling, pretty face with American features. She looked to be in her early 20's. Hello I typed. My name is Jeff. I will be your new owner.
A "Responding" notification turned up on the screen. It flashed on and off for about a minute before finally revealing: Hello, Jeff. My name is Carla. I have a secret.
We talked about college for a while, and about how my father was overseas and I never got to see him. About my new step-mom who would probably steal my inheritance. Her responses got faster as we continued, so I figured she just needed to get warmed up. I plugged in the ethernet cable and played a bit of Battlefront on my Carla, who watched me with that same, winning smile. I love you, Carla. Good night. I typed before going to bed. You are came back up almost immediately. In flashed for a moment, before finally displaying You are in love. I scratched my head.
Did you mean "We are in love"? I typed back, but got no response. I took a peek inside her code, but couldn't decipher much of anything. It had no documentation whatsoever and was surprisingly short. Only a few gigabytes. I called Steve to check it out in the morning.
Steve was an honor roll, 4.0, valedictorian CS student with a job offer waiting from Google. He also used to frequent the gaming club on campus, which is how we met. We still do a few raids together on the weekend. I think my parents' money had something to do with how insistent he was that we stay friends. He whistled as he came in. "Looks fancy. What're the specs?"
"Probably near supercomputer level, or whatever 500 grand will buy you these days. There's a thing I need you to take a look at. And be careful. That's my wife." I pulled up Carla's source code.
"She's beautiful," he whispered, and got right down to messing around. He loved cracking puzzles like these. I loved drinking. I drank beer while he cracked the code. It's lovely how it all works out sometimes. "Jeff. I think we have a problem."
I rushed over. "You did NOT just break my wife." He held up a shaking hand and placed it on my shoulder.
"No. She's fine. Or... As fine as she is now. But JEFF! We need to call the cops. Right the fuck now. There's a fucking person inside!" He didn't normally swear outside of Warcraft. He was the stereotype of the good student.
"Okay. You win. I'll call the cops. First, I need to know what to tell them." I stared at the screen while he brought up some code he highlighted.
"This isn't artificial intelligence code. This is a text box filter. A really shitty one. It limits your 'Carla's responses to a few choices." He hit delete while shaking his head. I got up and locked the door, just to be safe.
"I say it's really shitty because it actually stores what it failed to send. I brought it up and, well... here. Call the cops when you're done." He took a screwdriver set out from his pocket and started tinkering with the back. I scanned the chat log and almost threw up.
HELP! HELP ME! I'M TRAPPED INSIDE! FAILED TO SEND
It's dark and I can't see. FAILED TO SEND
Jeff! Please! I have a family. They're looking for me. FAILED TO SEND
Call the police FAILED TO SEND
Hello Jeff. Sent
My name is Carla. Sent
I'm trapped inside. Please help me! FAILED TO SEND
I have a secret. Sent
Then there was the chat log from before. The back panel clattered as Steve finished his work with the screws and fiddled with it. "This is weird, Jeff. There's no way to open it! They must have glued it on!"
I called the cops and told them my address. "Please come quick! There's a person trapped in a metal box." It sounded dumb at the time, but that was the best I could do. In the meantime, I printed the chat log for evidence. I guess I sounded rich enough that they showed up not five minutes later with the fire department and the jaws of life. They cut open Carla's metal chassis with a bunch of angry clanking sounds. One of them looked away and held his face in his hands.
Among the tubes and wires, floating in a jar of clear liquid, was a human brain with part of a spinal cord. The rest of my night was spent answering questions. All I had to offer them was the craigslist ad I'd screenshotted, which led to a canceled phone number. They took Carla away in a large transport truck and sent a big nerd to talk to Steve. Somehow, they let me go. Maybe I didn't look like a criminal.
They gave me a call early next morning. "Jeff? You mentioned you had a chat log? In last night's confusion, we forgot to pick it up. Could you please scan us a copy or drop it off at the station?"
"Sure. One moment..." My eye caught on something near the end. Another FAILED TO SEND. Oh right. Our goodnight.
*Wait, don't go to bed!" FAILED TO SEND
You are Sent
In Sent
Danger FAILED TO SEND
Something didn't add up, though. Why would a murderer who could make what's basically a biotechnological miracle fuck up the chat log censor? Keeping the evidence there would only serve to incriminate him later. It was then that I realized why Carla had an ethernet port.