SKIRTING THE ISSUE: MY VENDETTA AGAINST DRESSES/SKIRTS

You know the first garment humans wore were skirts right? Yeah men used to wear skirts and tunics and it was mundane as all hell. Now if a straight man were to have nothing but a closet of skirts it would raise eyebrows. In our current age the array of choice to prevent your extremities from exposure is vast as the Pacific is deep. I was recently asked why, despite my nice figure I never wear dresses.

I responded with a wince with a hint of a grimace.

SourceI feel her pain

Personally, I have a love-hate relationship with skirts and dresses. I never really enjoy wearing them unless there is a purpose. To me, these garments are reserved for a special occasion where I will most likely just be standing around sipping cocktails and chatting. Since I don’t get out much, it means several dresses are collecting lint and dust, dangling sad and forgotten on their hangers.

It also probably doesn’t help I am extremely particular about which kinds I’ll wear. For example, on the rare occasion I do wear a skirt, the weather must be 25 degrees C minimum and windspeed at ZERO, and it must be a mini skirt. Same goes for dresses, however they can be long or short, but I have to be headed to an outing.

Oh… and they must never be pink.

SO MUCH HATE!

My vendetta against stems from a distant hatred of my mother wrestling me into ugly, itchy, absolutely gaudy dresses (it was the early 90s—just picture that cheesiness). It then blossomed from there since whenever I was wearing a dress I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things.

“Don’t play with the dog, you’ll get your dress all dirty!”
“No, no, you can’t climb trees wearing that.”
“You tore up another pair of tights? SIGH”

Even in kindergarten I knew girls who wore dresses and skirts were treated differently that girls who didn’t. They were told to restrict their activities, to keep the rambunctiousness that all children possess to a minimum, they were scolded for not sitting “properly.” It made me wonder how girls were ever able to do anything in the olden times.

Anyway, primarily I hate putting on a dress or skirt because it restricts my behavior in addition making me feel vulnerable (I’ll explain more towards the end). There are myriad of things that grown women especially are frowned on for doing while wearing such clothing. I am not as free spirited, playful and rowdy compared to when I wear pants. Plus, I cannot retain any body heat in a dress!

via Giphy.com This is my secret fear ALL the time!

My other beef has to do with how overly feminine they are-- and I am not super feminine lady. Cosmetics, hair and nail trends bore me—in fact most traditional women’s activities involving beauty bore the shit out of me. I do not binge-watch makeup tutorials. I will vomit if I watch reality TV for longer than the time it takes to microwave a Hot Pocket. Outside of that, I am just your average slightly nerdy girl with a love of the outdoors… and cake.

…Where is the love?

Okay so I have ranted about why on the surface, I hate dresses. It may seem shallow and immature but so is dumping a woman because she snorts when she laughs. I'll explain why when the occasion strikes I don't mind wear skirts and dresses:

made by puddinpaws

Sometimes I enjoy the sophistication they give me. I used to wear skirts to work because I sat at a desk all day and the risk of my under garments being exposed was practically zero. It had a purpose too: making me appear professional and polished.

Occasionally, I like to surprise my husband. He loves the extra effort I put into to wearing a casual dress (he knows I would really rather wear skinny jeans). I don’t get all done up like it’s date night, but I take things up a notch beyond my super chill style.

There are times when I’ll wear a dress or a skirt because I don’t plan on going anywhere so I’m free to frolic about as if I were wearing pants. This queen does what she pleases in her castle. Hell, if I could, I would go full steampunk nine months out of the year (don’t judge me—you know it’s a cool look). The other three warm months would be me looking like a Boehemian beach bum.

The greater implication of donning a skirt you haven’t realized

As promised, we shall dive into the deeper water of why I so dislike skirts and dresses. Let us not forget that clothes have always been a mode of oppression. For women it’s like a double whammy as throughout history dresses and skirts were a means to control women’s bodies.

Perhaps the best example of this was the trend of women wearing corsets and hoop skirts during the Edwardian and Victorian eras (between 1830s and 1910). I’m not being dramatic when I say women were literally imprisoned in their clothing. Think about it, corset were tightly laced to “slim” the waist and hoops skirts were basically tiny cages to make your skirt flow out around your legs.

Thank all the deities that we have largely moved beyond that mandatory dress code.

So here is my other problem with the intrusive behavioral modification I have to make to wear a dress. I have to be on guard way more than usual. Beyond having to worry about if my various private parts are spilling out into the public eye at any given moment, or crossing my legs/ankles, I become hyper vigilant for creeps. See what some fail to realize is, men treat you differently when you’re wearing a dress. It’s like everyone but me sees a sign on my back saying “I want to be flirted with because there’s no other possible reason I put this on! Come talk to me!”

via Giphy.com

I’m not saying it’s rude to compliment a lady on her clothes, but we don’t owe you anything other than a “Thank you.” I have had more guys try to talk to me while wearing a dress than when I was in shorts or pants. The absence of my husband at my side seems to be some queue that tells crusty men they are cleared to flirt with me. Women get harassed everyday when their just wearing yoga pants and a cami—imagine what it’s like for those in a tiny summer dress.

Then the crux is my distaste at how they are perhaps the last traditional distinction between genders. I accept the definition of what being feminine is as a very broad spectrum. It irks me that femininity is so closely tied to dresses, and I can’t shed the image of dresses as being symbolic of a time where we had even less options and viewed as inferior.

Don’t believe that there’s a pervasive symbiology at work here? Ask yourself, if clothes are just clothes, why aren’t men comfortable wearing dresses or skirts?

Kicking ass wearing essentially... a dress- via Giphy.com

Jeans, trousers and shorts have been democratized and socially acceptable for decades. Women in pants doesn’t mean they want to be men or that they are lesbians. Why are dresses reserved only for women? Why is it a straight man embodying all the masculine traits is suddenly stripped of the title if he were to confess to liking wearing male-cut versions of women’s skirts?

Final Thoughts

You see I’m not 100 percent against the dresses and skirts. They just aren’t my thing. Some women love wearing heels and can’t comprehend why anyone would wear something shorter than four inches. Some ladies are heavy into the latest Instagram make-up trends.

I am just my most authentic self when I am comfortable garbed in whatever random clothes I pluck out of the drawer. Honestly, though dresses and skirts may make me more conventionally attractive, I think all of us should remember confidence and owning your style is far sexier.