Memories

Helloooo...

Today I’ll be short and write a small story.

Happy to say that I‘m finally home and with my family. It’s been a year since I couldn’t and didn’t want to come back. 5years ago I’ve lost my mum, and last year, on my birthday, I‘ve lost my dad. It was a huge hit for me... It shredded my soul and left me in pieces, vulnerable... After I’ve lost my mum, I’ve struggled to keep my dad alive. He had a long list of diseases, like Alzheimer, diabetes, heart problems, dementia and more. His legs were amputated, and because of that, we had to struggle even more. Almost daily in hospitals, which by the way Romania sucks in the health department, and hospitals are horrifying...

My dad had absolutely no intention to live without my mum, nothing, nada. It’s true what they say: " You never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never have it back." I managed to keep my father alive for a few more years. Losing my mother was devastating for me... The feeling of guilt that I had OF NOT BEING THERE in her last moments, made me fight for him... To stay at home and take care of him... My mother was my everything and the only person that made me feel unconditionally loved. My world shattered after her death...

The funny thing is that I was on my way to Amsterdam with K, my Belgian man from back then, to have a huge Valentine’s Day surprise when it happened, when I received the news from my brothers. I was soooooo not expecting that... To turn around from the airport and go back to my mum’s funeral. I talked to her the day before, and she was just fine. Like usually she was worried about me, asking me to be careful and enjoy my holiday, too.

My mum was an extraordinary woman who dedicated her life to her kids and her family, no matter the costs. Always taking care of her children and protected them... A real mother, sacrificing herself for us. I have not enough words to express the great woman she was. All my friends loved her and appreciated her... She always made us laugh, and she was cooking amazing. My parents were together for 36 years. Back on Ceausescu's time, marriages were arranged by families. Without a right to consent, they’ve met for the very first time on the wedding day. I remember asking my mum what would’ve happened if my dad was ugly or an asshole. She said to me this:

"First, there are a lot more things out there to love than beauty, and second, even asshole can be loved."

The problem in time was that my dad knew he was handsome and took advantage of his beauty and wealthy, and always had women all over the places he worked, ’one night stand,’ ’insignificant,’ etc... Always cheating on my mum... I never understood ’Why.’ Why would a man do that, if at home he has it all... To have everything is boring, becomes routine? How can someone betray so easy and keep on acting differently, like nothing changed and he’s just fooling around... ’I’m home every day, I love and support my family. I’m always there for them’. Well... That’s not enough sometimes, gentlemen...

Happy to say: Thank God we live in an era that allows us to marry whoever the fuck we want, and separate whenever we feel like there’s nothing left to fight for... And guess what... Of course, this left a scar deep inside me and marked me for life. IM NOT the type who dreams of her wedding. I think it’s just a stupid paper holding you back, actually. And, if you wanna wear The dress, guess what, you can throw a fucking party and wear it. You can look fabulous every single day if you want to. Pam Paam... But, back to the story. My dad, like most dads, was more bossy, giving us a strong education, but he never forgets we were kids and we need gifts and surprises. Things that made every child happy... Nowadays kids receive iPhone, iPads, etc., but we had sweets like chocolate, candies, oranges, etc. They were the best...Hmmm... I can still taste them in my mouth and remember the joy from my heart. We’ve never missed a thing, and we had fun all the time... The hard part was when I saw my mum suffering in silence... A woman that sometimes, late in the night, was crying alone outside, craving for more attention and love from her man. Once I tried to comfort her, but she fast wiped her face and find some stupid excuses for her tearing, and coming back to bed with me. But besides that, we were happy... We have beautiful memories from our childhoods, and our parents were pretty good together. Growing things changed, but that‘s a different story... What I’m trying to say is that, no matter how much a woman sacrifice for the man she loves to have a perfect couple or family, is not enough.

Men tend to be more selfish, poisonous... Narcissists in love with themselves, playing around with feelings. Never satisfied with what they have, and constantly searching for more. Most of them show good intentions and make promises they can‘t keep. It’s in their bones, in their nature, to be afraid of a real commitment, and to be emotionally unavailable. I choose to characterize people by their actions. Like this, it’s easier to find out who’s toxic and throw away that garbage. We have to wait for the one who accepts and love every bit of us.

Patience is the key...

You can put aside your pride for sex, but don’t fall hoping that someone will catch you. Luv, M.