Please, you are certainly not a moron! :)

I wouldn't count on all seeds in the pantry sprouting but I am sure many of them would, especially if they are organic. It wouldn't hurt to try, especially if it helps you save some money when you are putting $ into other seeds!

I would guess that most whole seeds as spices would sprout if they are not too old.

I have planted store bought onion ends, leek ends, green onion ends, garlic, potatoes, ginger, turmeric, lemongrass and had success with all of them! I thin you can plant a lettuce end if there is enough roots portion. I'm sure there are more possibilities out there.