The Honest Truth: My Unconventional Relationship
So I wasn't intending to share this today...
However, since it's something that has been quite challenging for me lately, not sharing feels like I'm hiding something.
If I were to be totally and completely honest with myself, I would say this: "I don't want to hide from who I really am."
And if I were to be completely honest with all of you I would say that I don't care what you think/feel about me, but I do care that I'm open enough to express myself freely to all of you.
So... with that being said, here's the real, raw @axios showing up today :)
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. The world needs more people like you who are challenging themselves, asking the hard questions and who have the courage to share that journey with their communities so we can all learn from each other and feel a little more connected.
<3
Thank you Em :) It's so true!!! <3
I hear you bro.
Polyamory requires quite a high level of sexual, emotional, mental and spiritual maturity, from all parties.
Personally, I feel that "rules" are what complicates any friendship. My longest lasting relationships have all been with "friends". As one transgresses though from friendship, into a relationship, then come all the rules and even worse, the implied rules, and associated, unspoken "expectations" that may not be understood by both parties.
Right now in my life, I aim for simple, and the further things get from simple, the more I'm aware, that I'm off track.
Nice share :)
Peace.
@bobaphet I really appreciate what you shared here. The word "expectations" is what stands out to me the most while reading this. This, in my opinion, is at the heart of most of my experience in poly. Things become simpler as I realize that I have wants and needs - and then expectations about those wants and needs. The more I detach from the expectation and focus more on communicating and making choices based on the responses I receive, the easier and simpler my experience becomes.
Lets chat soon bro!
Wow. I listened to all of that bro. I've actually been in a similar situation in the past. It was complicated. hahaha
Complicated is a great word choice @dnews lol. My favorite saying is that "poly is like getting your PhD. in psychology." haha
Thanks for listening and sharing brother :)
Witnessing vulnerability always invigorates me. Thank you for stepping out of that comfort zone (voluntarily or otherwise ;) and sharing another piece of your journey. Sometimes riding the high of daring greatly (#BreneBrown) can cause me to crash later. I hope you have the time and space to care for yourself today.
Cheers to you my brother.
Sam
@ssimkins9 Thank you so much brother. Daring greatly does have its consequences but its been more often worth it than not. I really appreciate the support and encouragement. This was not an easy decision in the moment - but after reading all of these comments I know I made the right choice :)
Brother, I would really love to talk about this, but I gotta be honest that I would rather talk about this personally because I'm too lazy to write :D lol, at least I'm being honest...
Love you bro!
Winny out...for now ;)
Agreed bro! Thanks for being honest with yourself and me. We will definitely chat bout deez things soon!
My kind of ideals in regards to relationships sit in line with polyamory. Or at least I feel that through life there isn’t ever going to be one single person who fulfills your needs and that you can really learn a lot about yourself and love through opening your heart to different people. In saying, I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship although for a short time I dated a guy who was in an open relationship. We were very causal and he explained the rules for the relationship and it worked well for me at the time. However I didn’t have much emotional investment in the situation.
I would say that I’ve had emotional feelings for multiple people at a time and explored that whilst not actually dating them so that each party still had individual freedom and opportunities to experience other people if that was something to present. And at times that has been challenging as hell. Because although logically you can understand why you’re okay with that choice, it can definitely be triggering to your own insecurities, leaving you questioning your self worth, issues of jealously, possessiveness. ect ect. And I would agree with you that it’s great to deal with these things but as long as it benefits both you and the relationship.
Haha I’m trying my best to articulate this.. I mean communication and having rules and boundaries is key, and knowing what each individual needs in the relationship. So I would imagine as long as your partner still supports you while you need to process whatever comes up, it just comes down to finding your balance amongst it? I’m kinda just speculating because I don’t know the situation so I apologise if this is all kind of confusing. I guess for me, when I have these things come up, I remind myself why I think polyamory works and the freedom it gives the people involved and how it can create a deeper sense of love and connection without creating restrictions but still having foundation.
It’s always appreciated that you can open up and be vulnerable. I hope through that process you’re able to find a little insight. 💗
So far as intimate relationship is concerned, I am not an advocate of polyamory, because it is really hard for me to move on and forget the person. However, with friends, I do like to meet new people and learn from them, experience different personalities. In intimate relationships, I like a type of person who is respectful towards you, give you enough freedom to express yourself.
@darlene.kitchen, thanks for sharing this! I fully agree with you on needing to feel respected so that you have the freedom to express yourself. I call this "holding space." Personally, I only create relationships with those who can create space for me, and whom I can reciprocate create space for. This is a HUGE component of all relationships, regardless of what the structure may be!
I'm loving reading this @neeqi!
This statement here is what most attracts me about poly. I see the people around me as different flavors of experience. Whether that's platonic or more intimate, different people bring out different parts of me that I get to experience through my union with them. That union can be more serious, lengthy, and structured, or fun, quick and loose (and those words together make me laugh haha). For me, I realized that there was a lot more depth that I wasn't accessing with a few different relationships. I saw the potential there but lacked the social structure to go there. Poly has essentially provided that structure in a safe (yet challenging) way.
Same here. Many of my experiences are like this. There's often an ongoing relationship but there's no real good label to really emphasize what that is. Sometimes I call them "glorified friendships" but that doesn't really feel good either, nor does "friends with benefits" as it just implies things that may/may not be true. I think we judge sexual experiences so heavily in modern culture that we forget that in the end, it's just an experience. Obviously this experience may have more heightened consequences but so do other experiences (for instance: having a business partner).
Yes exactly. It's all about holding space and trusting the process. Communication is #1 and the moment you stop communicating, that's the moment when the relationship begins to die. If both parties are doing the personal work to understand and convey their needs (AKA taking responsibility for themselves as individuals), then it works. What often happens in relationships is that we fail to take responsibility for our own needs, expect those needs to be taken care of by others, and then we project the resulting shit onto others. This is a formula for failure, regardless of what kind of relationship dynamic you're in!
I've personally liberated myself in many ways through the practice of poly. It is ultimately a personal experience. I believe that every relationship you have has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. That sounds kind of detached and maybe a bit of an odd thing to say, but ultimately, what you FEEL has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. So essentially, poly invites in opportunities to experience more of who you are which inevitably invites a LOT of vulnerability, fear, and pain along the way. If you deal with that shit, then you will thrive. That's where true freedom lies.
Good shit! Loved the garbage analogy. I trust your process and know you'll get through this, but I'm always there if you ever want someone to talk to. A problem is a pathway to a solution, so when you share your problems in a way that expresses where you believe those problems are taking you, you actually light the road for others to find similar solutions.
I love how you expressed that and fully agree! I guess that's part of the reason I feel inspired to share. Glad you saw this because I was curious what you would think about the garbage analogy!
As always, thanks for the support brother :)
Raw and authentic.
Not sure I could personally handle all the scab picking in relation to an open or polyamorous relationship setup ~ seems alot of pain for little gain...
But that's just me.
Hope you get a handle on your feelings and regain balance soon.
xox
Thanks for sharing @idacey-laforge. There's most definitely a lot of pain involved... but for massive gain. At least that's my experience. I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't notice any kind of growth. If I had to do school all over again, I would just be poly. That would have sufficed lol.
Well done for putting this out there. It sounds like you're hurting. As for the growing, sure, I think we grow in every situation of pain and self exploration, it's just not always immediately apparent.
This is a topic I've been considering myself. My head tells me that the idea of marriage and life-long love is ridiculous, particularly when it comes to sex. Why can't you love someone and have sex with someone else where there's no love involved? But my heart tells me something else and that's what I try to follow. My head has led me down all sorts of paths that weren't right for my heart.
I don't think I could do what you're doing, even though my head might just be trying to trick me into trying!
@camuel thank you for this very honest and supportive comment.
The fact is, you can. But based on where you live (culture), your societal conditioning may tell you different.
Yes I agree - the head has different interests than the heart. This is always a challenge and it's also why communication is a MUST, especially when you are experiencing relations with the opposite sex (as our heads are wired a bit differently!)
Ultimately, my heart led me here...and my heart has had to endure a lot of pain because of it. Pain is not a bad thing though. In my opinion, it's the path to true love.
Often, true love as seen in the movies is attachment. But attachment assumes conditions. If you truly love something, that love must be unconditional. For me, poly has taught me (and is teaching me) how to love unconditionally.
And that lesson (of loving unconditionally) is one of the most difficult lessons I've ever chosen to explore.
Gosh, when you put it like that then yes, it's the path the true happiness. Unconditional love is kind of Utopian though, wouldn't you say? I mean in terms of romantic relationships. Your exploration could be the path to unconditional love of oneself, and that could be true enlightenment.
You mentioned communication - Yes, Yes, Yes! That's where I fall down in my relationship and it's becoming more and more apparent to me. Now that you've got me thinking about it, it does seem like your path is the right path for you. It's so fascinating and I thank you for putting this out there.
Well unconditional love can be tough because sometimes it means accepting a reality that you weren't expecting. Like for instance, maybe a relationship is no longer romantic - unconditional love can still exists between two people regardless if the romance still exists. Whereas with conditional love, if romance is the condition, then love will not exist after the romance dissolves. So yeah it's kind of a utopian idea but the reality of it is not necessarily always this utopia if that makes sense.
It definitely feels like an exploration of self-love! I've definitely been learning a lot from it :)
Cheers @camuel!
Wow, that's some serious opening up bro. I don't think I'd be able to be this vulnerable so kudos to you for that.
Thank you @adetorrent. I appreciate it brother :)