Down Day

It's a down day.

You never really know when one's coming.

By all accounts, today should be a good day. I'm done with work for the semester, the financial situation isn't dire, I'm writing again, but...

I woke up and it became more apparent that today was going to be a "down day", whether I liked it or not. The sun's out, there's a decent breeze, it's the kind of day where you open all the windows and air the place out, hear the birds, the sounds of life outside, the kind of day that you know that you should be out in it. Go for a walk, even with the safety of the earbuds to block out anything else, feel the actual sunshine on my skin.

But it's a down day.

Usually a shower helps, a symbolic cleansing as well as a physical one. It can push the mindset toward something less than negative or apathetic. Maybe change my clothes into something cleaner. Maybe bake something, follow a recipe but still keep everything under my control, with something to show for it afterward that I can be proud of. Maybe work on the novel. Maybe research for the essay I've mapped out for tomorrow. Maybe I can do something that won't feel like the day's been wasted and lazy.

But it's a down day.

I'm self aware enough to know that this is just the black cloud of depression lingering at its pleasure. I know that this can pass, that I can pull myself out of it, that the self-loathing and the self-flagellating inner monologue over the fact that I haven't gotten up from my computer in a few hours, is just the depression, that vicious, twisted inner voice that still believes it can shame and bully me out of this dark place. It's wrong, I'll know this, actually know it. Probably tomorrow, maybe closer to the weekend. Maybe tonight. Maybe it'll slink off, giving knowing, smirking glances. Maybe it's a piece of me, a mote of self-preservation that got corrupted by unsavory methods into the monster within with many faces and many voices and every one of them familiar by name. I know I can beat it back eventually. Or heal it, untwist it to welcome it back to the fold. Maybe I could.

But it's a down day.