Moving Past Bitterness to Abundance

I believe in abundance theory. Scientifically, I know that matter is not created or destroyed it is just recycled. I can feel that I am an energetic being capable of recycling the negative emotions/energy I experience instead of just spitting them back into the world. I know that we are all co-creators and that this world is our playground.

I've been fairly lucky in that I haven't often experienced bitterness for very long, I have tried and failed so many things but I mostly feel a golden goose type calm towards money or creativity: if one egg or all of them got lost or stolen or used up, I can lay another. I can hustle and work and try new things. I have been homeless and also had times of plenty. I can't pretend like I have coasted through all of those times without feeling pride or despair, but in the back of my mind I could reasonably see that none of it was where I had landed permanently.

I have always been aware that there is a thread of bitterness that is woven throughout our societal structure, inherent in the pure capitalistic notion that each person gets what they work for. I see it most clearly in common political arguments: "I worked hard to get a job that pays $15 an hour, fast food workers don't deserve that" or " My sister struggled to pay her college debts, we can't just give it for free". I even think that bitterness is the more prominent roadblock in our attempt to normalize abundance than the actual idea of scarcity. Even when there is obvious abundance (the amount of food we throw away is disgusting and disheartening- check out @Reko for his beautiful rescue and share operations) it seems we still don't respect it because of bitterness. Why should I grind at a job I hate to buy food and then we just give away extras to people who don't. Its spite, pure and simple, and it is a parasite on our happiness.

I recently became the victim of a deep seeded bitterness, like I had never felt before. Last year we lost our partner store, and our eliquid company. We weren't rich, but we worked hard, and I felt good when I went to the store and helped people pick out herbs that brought them relief, or helped someone kick a smoking habit and see them start hiking or run a 5 k for the first time. To add insult to injury, just as we lost everything I was hurt by someone very close to me, a creative partner and one of the people I love most in this world. I felt abandoned and taken advantage of. I always share my golden eggs, but it seems the thieves came and took every last glittery speck. I was angry at the political systems where large companies pay to have the laws tweaked to suit them, and the voraciously devour every small business just minding their own and making a living. I was angry at being treated like I was just there to give out goodies, and when I needed a hand those goody takers were acting like I was brand new. The worst part is I started to actually feel angry and annoyed by other people's successes. It wasn't like me and it destroyed not only my day to day joy (I usually truly feel other's joy as my own), but it blocked me and I didn't feel that normal problem solving and creativity flowing. I just felt bad. And sort of mean, like a grinch making snide comments to myself about people's level of deserving.

The thing was, that my opportunities for abundance never stopped coming, I just ignored them. Like a cartoon, I was just watching the dust trail of the things I had lost, and absentmindedly shooing the gift givers that kept tapping me on the shoulder.

Shedding that bitterness was incremental. I was aware of it for months but couldn't shake it. I had a lot of love and support from friends and family, and I searched for ways to be happy again. @Whatamidoing had a post about being stuck and that conversation showed me the ways in which I was stuck and yet was also unstuck- I just needed to wriggle a bit more to get free lol. @MarianneWest has a daily freewrite group, and I thought "you can do five minutes a day", and that little bit of totally unstuck, expectation-free creativity unstuck me even further. I joke that #freewrite saved my life but in a way it. Once I stopped focusing on how I'd struggled or how much I lost, I started to see how much more there was still left to enjoy and create. It's ok, I needed to lick my wounds and be angry for a bit. Pretending that it didn't hurt would have meant burying it and that never works out in the long run. Abundance is knowing that you are a creative force, and that you can find co-creators, and help if you want it. It means letting everyone's success fill you joy, and knowing that that joy will move you forward. Bitterness just doesn't live in a joyful environment, nothing is more joyful than knowing that there is enough for all of us :)

Photos from Pixabay find them here
and here