Why It's So Hard To Talk To Your Partner About Sex
In a trusting relationship, one discusses everything. Why then rarely about what happens or not in your bed?
Most people in happy relationships see their partner as their best friend. Unlike other people, he or she is an essential pillar of everyday life, someone to tell in the evening about the events during the day. This self-evident communication creates closeness and is considered the key to a love that endures.
Little things from the job, experience in the subway or the latest stories from the little niece. For many couples, it is merely a matter of regularly synchronizing your head with that of the other and discussing everything that is current news.
But a controversial topic is also categorically omitted in the best relationships:
the shared sex life with all its reliable rituals and routines
Let's Talk About Sex: Taboo
Of course, if everything's great in your bedroom, you don't have to speak a lot about it. But does silence really mean that everything is okay? To deal with the unsatisfactory act of last night is difficult for most couples.
The reasons for this are complex:
By exposing one's sexual fantasies and desires, a partner literally goes nude.
One fear the rejection by the other as much as hurting one with, however lovingly packaged, criticism. The risk of sowing for both insecurity and self-doubt, or even jeopardizing the whole relationship, just seems too great. Hence, many couples are circumventing this theme and accept the deadlock as it is.
The Uncensored Conversation
Science has long known that a more open approach to intimate needs can not only have a positive effect on sexuality, but also on general satisfaction in the relationship. Staying in touch with each other, discussing things and trying things out keeps the shared desire alive and strengthens the bond between the two of them even beyond the bedroom.
It is quite different when you talk about domestic intimacy - not just with the person or persons involved, but with someone else. While the frank discussion with good friends in case of doubt provides for orientation and security, the exchange of spicy twinning details with less familiar persons - e.g. coworkers or chat partners - can quickly become dangerous to the current relationship.
Beware Of The Affair Trap
Erotic topics quickly create a complicit sense of trust, no matter who you talk to. However, if there is a tiny spark of attraction towards the interlocutor in the game, it will be kindled particularly quickly in the light of the explosive context. The feeling of being better understood by someone else sexually than by your own partner can even be the spark for an affair.
This exclusive exchange rarely leads to more intimacy in the current relationship - it increases the physical and emotional distance. If you really want to make a difference at home, you can not avoid the honest four-eyes conversation with your partner. And that requires, first of all, to discard the socially cultivated shame in terms of the lower part of the word and to express one's own sexual desires and ideas sensitively, but clearly.
Better Sex, Happier Partnership
To prepare yourself, it can help to write down everything that you would have liked to tell your partner in advance.
What do I feel when we are intimate together, how do I want to be touched and where? What fantasies do I have and do I want to make them real?
However, if the taboo-free conversation doesn't work out, or if open communication alone doesn't have a positive effect, couples therapy can be the decisive impetus and support sexual development as well.
And yes, all that takes courage and may even be unpleasant. But it also holds the chance of sexuality that is now exciting and fulfilling for you and your partner. Could there be a better reason to start talking today?