The (un)necessary crypto-dictionary for beginners

ASIC. A computer that becomes useless 3 months after you bought it.

Bank. Be your own, FFS.

Bcash. A prank that did not end very well. Synonym of "LOL" in some circles.

Bear. An animal from which Russian people make salami. You've been warned.

Bull. An animal used to pull Bitcoin price beyond $10,000.

Coinbase. A bank wearing a crypto mask.

DAI. 8%.

DAO. A company with no coffee machine.

Difficulty. The reason why you should not try to mine Bitcoin with your Mac.

ETFs. A rejected thing that, for some reasons, medias believe is important.

Ethereum. The most convenient method to manage virtual kitties and get a loan from your neighbour without asking.

Fiat. 1/ An Italian car manufacturer. 2/ The money your parents and grand-parents used to buy things.

Faucet. 1/ A convenient way to get water. 2/ An annoying way to watch advertisements.

FOMO. The best method to invest in bad cryptos.

FUD. The best method to damage good cryptos.

Hash. An international language where all words have the same length and look the same, without being readable.

ICO. Used to be the best way to get some ETH with just a cheap website.

Iota. A way to make your toaster send money to your fridge.

KYC. Kill Your Company. A technique used by old-school companies to drive their customers away by forcing them to go through a useless, cumbersome process.

Libra. No.

Lightning network. Bitcoin faster than that.

Litecoin. Bitcoin for weight-watchers.

MakerDAO. A mathematical way to prove that banks are stealing your money.

Metamask. An Ethereum wallet that doesn't work on Safari.

Mining. 1/ A simple way to kill your PC. 2/ A noisy way to heat your flat. 3/ A clever way for Chinese people to make money without working in factories.

Monero. Money laundering as a service.

Moon. 1/ A thing in the sky few people have stepped on. 2/ The assumed destination of most shitcoins, except not.

Nonce. Synonym of orgasm for Bitcoin miners.

REKT. What happens when you crash your lambo on a bear.

SEC. 1/ An organization using taxpayers money to ban ICOs, fine celebrities, and reject ETFs, whatever that may be. 2/ ”A corrupt, puss filled, bile dripping abcess on the fabric of America” (© John McAfee)

Seed. The only 12 words in the dictionary that could drive you to suicide if you forget them.

SHA-256. The method used to make sure nobody understands how Bitcoin works.

Shitcoin. A story that starts in your wallet and ends up in your anus.

Stablecoins. Flat-liners.

Smart contracts. Contractual agreements that can only be read by computer engineers. Meant to replace ”dumb contracts”, that could only be read by lawyers.

Token. 1/ A way to own real things you cannot afford. 2/ A way to own virtual things that normal people have never heard about.

Trading. A method to get rich or broke without understanding what cryptocurrencies are about.

Wasabi. 1/ A kind of Japanese mustard useful to make pranks to your best buddy when he's sleeping. 2/ A Bitcoin wallet that you cannot use to withdraw your money from bad exchanges.