Poor Choices, with your host, Balls Capone (Episode 2)
Today's Memory: Looking for love in all the wrong places……
So there I am, sitting in the dimly lit Italian food restaurant awaiting my server, slowly nibbling on some bread and enjoying my cool glass of water. Then I see her, music begins to play, my heart beat quickens, my breath becomes short, and a rush fills my chest cavity, for she is beautiful and heading my way. Suddenly, visions of lunchtime love fill my head, she almost glows as she speaks to me “Hi, I’m Taylor and I’ll be taking care of you today.”
“Say something cool”, I think to myself, start off smooth, you can do this! So, instead of something cool, I instantly pull a Dumb and Dumber moment, jumble up my words, and blurt out “Hi, I’m Pat and I’ll be eating you today!!” facepalm What? No! Ugh. I can see faces beginning to turn toward my general direction and I hear snickers from the table of old dudes across from me. She just smiled and took my order and left the table. OK, nothing is fucked here. It’s all good, it started off a little rough but we can recover from this. No problem, right?
So she starts cleaning off a table a couple rows ahead of me and I’m taking a good eye full, again the dreams of lunch time amour begins to playfully skip down the pathways in my head. Uh oh, suddenly she looks up and catches me dead in the middle of pervin’, she starts moving toward my table again. Shit! I’ve been caught! Uhh….uh…uh…….grab the beer menu! You could use one right about now. Quick! But in my haze of lovesick stupidity, I reach for the beer menu, but grab the Parmesan cheese shaker instead, pull it up in front of my face, and begin inspecting it like Claude De La Goonlips the slightly retarded cheese inspector. “Something wrong with that?” she asks with a little smile on her face as I do my best idiotic Mr. Bean impression. Now fully lost in the throes of deep embarrassment, once again, I blurt out stupidly “Yea, I like cheese.” Oh lord, well at least she knows I like cheese now, we’re really progressing in our relationship here. She just smiled again in a cute kind of shy way and went back to the kitchen, probably to indulge in fits of insane laughter.
A few minutes later she brings out my food and I reach for it like a starving Tiny Tim, knocking over my ice. Klutzo Von Dorkenstein the III, at your service M’lady. The old dudes at the table across from me are now nearly shitting their pants with laughter, they’ve been watching the whole time. I feel like they should have bought me a couple beers for the entertainment I’d been providing. I sheepishly helped clean up the ice and start bashing down my food like a man who hadn’t eaten in days, all I wanted was to get the hell out of there. I don’t think my face could have been any more red as she brought me my ticket, “have a good day!”, she smiled and walked out of my life forever. I looked down at the check and she had knocked off some cash and put “Don’t worry, I’m married anyway” under the total. Rock N Roll, Pat. You’re a fucking Rock Star.
