Crisis of Faith Take II

I feel I definitely hit my bottom on the last post. I’m feeling better now. I feel like I am starting to come out of the fog. I’m getting my fight back. I’m learning how to self-care. I can’t love others if I can’t even love myself. For too long, I’ve felt that I didn’t deserve happiness and when I started to feel a twinge of happiness, I would immediately self-sabotage because if others didn’t get to enjoy it, so why should I?

The last couple of years has been the journey to find purpose and meaning in life, and more importantly, my identity. Yes, I may have been sick of being a Christian. More accurately, I was sick of playing a part I thought I needed to play when there was no play to begin with. I am tired of going through the motions in life. Instead, I’m allowing myself to be human and not feel like the scum of the earth no matter how bad of a day I am having.

My “religious beliefs” have evolved over the past few years. I’m the most liberal I’ve ever been. I still believe in Jesus and that He is the only way to the Father. However, I believe there are many ways to Jesus. I’m ditching the fear that I’m somehow a “bad” Christian (or worse, a heretic) for having some of the beliefs that I have. Many times, I feel like I should be afraid because I (currently) have an incorrect belief about a specific topic. I have started to doubt and question some things that I have been so indoctrinated to believe since I grew up in the church. It is a scary feeling to have a crisis of faith. For some reason, something deep down inside my soul just needs to be OKAY. Sometimes, I feel that God is saying that he loves me no matter what I believe. This doesn’t mean saying I am not a Christian. This means that I am a person who is saved by Jesus’ work on the cross and that is what saves me, not my current set of beliefs and/or doubts. I am just so tired of being boxed in my Christian dogma. I think the church limits God and possibilities so much. I feel that my mind is so deep and so far beyond what is taught at the church—like light years ahead— that it bores me to tears. I’m not saying this to be rude or to look down on others that aren’t where I am.

Some people may even question my salvation over the thoughts, ideas, and assumptions I have about God, his character, and the afterlife. I must NO longer allow myself to be condemned or criticized for the set of doctrines I now subscribe to. What I believe is based on the limited experience and knowledge I have at 34 years old. I’m so much more open-minded about things and I feel more alive for it. My worldview is not static (except for the belief in God himself). If I come across knowledge that challenges my current set of beliefs, I will analyze it and make an informed decision instead of just blindly believing what I am told. Having the right set of beliefs, doctrines, dogma and attending the right denomination do not “save” you.

Things I believe 100%:

There is a God— the source, the light, —He is a person and is love.
The SOURCE/LIGHT came to earth in a human body as Jesus/Yeshua. He lived the life Adam should have lived. He showed love throughout all pain, rejection, shame to show it is superior to everything else. He died for our sins (save us from ourselves) and rose again to give us hope of eternal life after death. This is the gospel.
We are to live like Jesus to the best of our ability. We are to love God with all of our hearts, minds, soul, and strength and our neighbors as ourselves.
Things I am 90% sure of:

The Bible we have today–in large part, or in whole, is the scripture. There may be errors in it (which don’t change the overall message). There may be books missing. There may be books that could still be written. I am NOT convinced that there can be no new scripture (many Christians may call this heresy but I don’t care).
There is no place of eternal torment for humans. There is no mention in the old testament of this an “eternal” hell. I believe the biggest lie of Satan himself is that humans could ever go to a place like this. The new testament’s references of hell are taken out of context or even translated incorrectly.
People who have never heard of Jesus can still be “saved”. Meaning, He did the work on the cross. The bible alludes to those who live according to their conscience and knowledge that there is a God are judged by what they actually know. Many NDEs indicate that people (some even atheists) can cry out to Jesus after clinical death and he “saves” them. This could mean there is one more chance before the actual “judgment”. (Just a theory)
Things I am 75% sure of:

Before we are born, we already exist as a spirit. We choose to come to earth so that we can test our faith and learn lessons. I believe our brains limit our ability to perceive everything in the spiritual realm so that it does not distract us from the goals God has for us on Earth. Eben Alexander speaks to this in his NDE.
Things I am willing to be open-minded about:

In addition to being a spirit before we were born, I believe it may be possible that we have been here before and reincarnate as many times as we need to achieve whatever spiritual goals we may have (or that God has for us). The Bible alludes to this regarding Elijah “returning” as John the Baptist.
In the end, everyone is “saved”. No soul is lost. We may go through “hells” to learn from mistakes, but every discipline has a restorative value to it.
This list of beliefs will be added to and amended many times throughout my lifetime(s).

What started all this was to question my belief in a God that would torment souls for all eternity just for not getting it right in a limited timespan on Earth with a limited brain (sometimes affected by mental/emotional/physical disorders). To God and how infinitely smart he is compared to us— our brains are less than a goldfish. And we could be trusted to make all the right decisions to NOT end up in a place of eternal torment? “I just can’t believe—in your hell anymore!” -Bride, “Best I expect to do” It just makes no logical sense and speaks horribly to the character of God. Christians today speak of how merciful and graceful God is at never giving up on us. But somehow when we die, we deserve the worse punishment possible if we were not convinced to worship Him or else? Sorry, not my religion.

Over the past few years, I have been intrigued by near-death experiences. Reading people’s stories have given me hope, peace, and serenity when I have been in some very low pits of depression and anxiety. Some of the things people saw contradicted what I have been taught in the church. Sometimes even at heretical levels. Concepts such as everyone eventually is saved (I want to believe this but it doesn’t seem to be supported in the bible), there is no Satan (I still think there is one and/or demons), reincarnation (I MIGHT be willing to believe a VERSION of that), we are all a part of God (this is actually biblical if you think of it), we have spiritual guides (angels anyone?), all religions lead to God (if those who haven’t heard of Jesus are judged by their conscious, I guess a version of this COULD be true)… etc. So many ideas and concepts that I have learned have totally rocked my world. OF COURSE, I think to myself, “What if they are lying? What is Satan is lying to them and deceiving them to deceive us?” So —BELIEVE ME, YOU— I take some of this stuff with a grain of salt. Some of it makes total sense, some of it confuses me, some of it I know is a wrong interpretation of what was seen. However, what it HAS done is made me SO MUCH MORE open-minded as a person. I no longer feel “tied-down” to the confines and limitations of “mere-Christian” religious ideas and concepts. Because what if the LIE is that we HAVE to be so closed-minded? What if SATAN wants us to be boxed-in in our faith? Look at how many denominations there are? Clearly, none of them have it all right! Not to mention—how many RELIGIONS there are. I just don’t think God is going to forsake a majority of earth’s population JUST BECAUSE they were born into the wrong religion. Again, I still believe Jesus had to come and die for everyone regardless of what they believe. I don’t know if everyone will make it…but I know more people will be in heaven than most Christians think there will be!

When you start seeing that life is more than just a place where you HOPE that you get saved so you can have eternal life—- and believe that we are here for spiritual development (regardless of whether you believe in reincarnation or not)—LIFE starts to make a whole lot more sense! We are here to make mistakes, learn spiritual lessons, understand love…etc. A lightbulb goes off. It’s like we are in a training grounds.

My question to you is this: Am I still “Christian” enough for you? Are you still my brother or sister?