@stellabelle - Your story amazes me but at some level I think I have seen half ass monks of many many religions in my travels. I have seen people considering themselves greatest servants of God act with a 'holier than thou' attitude towards needy fellow humans practically in every temple, mosque or church I visited. This was to such an extent that I almost vowed to never visit such places of worship. I would not call myself an atheist - I do believe that there is a point of strength every man or woman needs to believe in. Perhaps this is God for some and perhaps it is some loved one for some others - that is immaterial but I believe that at some moments in life, we have to look for this external source of strength. Unfortunately, the path to this external source of strength is riddled with middlemen created by our society and religious structure. As an intellectual at some level, I can meditate (think actually as you point out) and connect to my strength sources in my mind but multitudes have been coached, for centuries, that they need these middlemen like Sadhus, Moulas, Priests and Monks to reach God. Religion, in many senses, has become a source of creating money and power in many countries. I speak about this often with people and try to educate them. I do not know how much effect it has but I will keep trying. Sorry for this rant but your blog triggered this chain of thought. It is admirable that you tried to share your experience and have chosen your own path of religion and meditation (thinking). Thanks for sharing.