My Husband's Birthday Is In Three Weeks, and I'm Not Looking Forward to it.

These are the cakes I made for him last year. The round one is a lot smaller than it looks, about six inches across. I tried to make them look like our cat Nova. We call them 'derpday' cakes.

I wish I could say that I was looking forward to my husband's birthday, but I'm really not. I lost my disability almost three years ago. Ever since, we're completely financially dependent on him. Buying a present for someone using the money they earned just feels dirty and wrong.

With how hard things have been (not just financially, but there's been a lot of other turmoil in our lives), he doesn't even really feel like celebrating his birthday. I don't really feel like celebrating mine, either, though there's a lot more to it than that.

I've earned some money here on Steemit, but it's already spoken for by necessities.

I miss being able to buy my husband presents with my own money. I miss being able to purchase something for him without him immediately knowing because everything didn't go through his bank account and paypal back then. And really, I just miss being able to buy him presents at all. With how bad things have been the last several years, I almost never have the opportunity to get him even a small and cheap something.

There are two things I have my heart set on making for him once we have the ability to pay for the materials. He doesn't know about the things I've been thinking about making, just that I have two projects I can't wait to have the funds to do, and if I'm successful, it could mean a new revenue stream for us.

I dream of the day I'm able to make these things for him. To see if I can, and to see his reaction if I'm successful.

My husband needs a new messenger bag, and I'd like to make him a messenger bag that looks like Nova.

I also really want to make him a wooden pantry box. Where he works, he has a small setup for cooking meals. There's a fridge, but not really a specific place to keep his non-perishables together. I'd like to make him a wooden pantry box, stain it his favorite color, and paint Nova on the lid of it.

I know I sound like the worst person on earth, not looking forward to my husband's birthday, but the last several years, it just reminds me of how useless I am and how I can't provide anything for us. With Steemit, that's slowly changing, but I'm still pretty damn useless at this point.

Before you suggest I cook a nice meal for him, remember that ingredients cost money as well. And due to my medical issues, cooking is often extremely hard for me to do. To the point sometimes that I can't even finish cooking, and then I'm completely bedridden for a few days and my husband has to take care of me. Cooking takes a lot of spoons and I end up having to borrow against future spoons, which almost never works out well. (And the reason I could probably build something easier than cooking is it would be a bit more spread out, and I'd be sitting down comfortably and not getting up and down and up and down.)

Rub his back of something? I do that all the time. And it gobbles up spoons as well. So to make it count more, I'd still have to borrow against more future spoons.

There's something really amazing that should be arriving hopefully by the end of the week. I'm hoping that I'll be really lucky and take to it quickly, and crossing my fingers that I'll be able to earn some quick cash to at least buy my husband a decent present, and perhaps earn the money over time to be able to make those projects for him for Christmas and our wedding anniversary.

Sorry for rambling and/or being a downer. I just...needed to express how I feel about this.

I'm planning on making him another derpday cake. Though we'll be seeing if he's allergic to squid ink ahead of time, because if he isn't, I'll be using that for the black cats on his cake. He's somewhat allergic to blue dye (he can tolerate it, but it does bother him a bit) and the only black icing available around here is blue-based. So, if squid ink isn't an allergen, and if it doesn't taste awful, that'll be the strategy this year!

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