A Father at all costs. My story from the point of view of the intended parent.

I found a copy of my surrogacy story online.
I am so happy to share with it my fellow Steemians, however, it's in French and I can't read that.

http://selection.readersdigest.ca/reportages/pere-tout-prix/view-all/
Google Translate (Cut & Paste)

Father at all costs
To realize his dream of having a child, Montreal designer Mario Januario , homosexual and single, uses a surrogate mother, an egg donation and an in vitro fertilization clinic.

INTERVIEWED BY AUDE MARIE MARCOUX
View as a slideshow
Father at all costsMany social causes that have animated Quebec in recent years have been worn by celebrities, such as Julie Snyder's crusade for infertile parents or Jasmin Roy's fight against bullying.
This spring, it is Joel Legendre who raised the debate about the use of homosexuals to a surrogate mother for in vitro fertilization.

In the shadow of this appropriation by a star of the small screen of a societal stake are many citizens, who, far from the spotlight, live the same aspirations, sorrows, obstacles and struggles. This is the case of renowned designer Mario Januario. Single homosexual, he was able to achieve, thanks to assisted procreation and egg donation, his biggest dream: to be a dad. Here is his story:

I have always wanted children. Despite my sexual orientation, I never created barriers by telling myself that I could not be a father. Obviously, in the eyes of others, it was different. I remember when I told my parents that I was gay, their first reaction was to say "God, we will never be grandparents". But me, it never stopped me.

If I tell my story, it's to show that when you want to have a child, no matter what your sexual orientation or even your fertility problems, you can do it. I hope to raise awareness of the reality of those people who cherish this dream of being a father. It's not because you're gay that you become a pedophile. It is not because you are homosexual that you are incapable of giving love to a child.

I am aware that my unusual approach can undermine beliefs and make judgments because three people are involved in my parenting adventure: an egg donor, a surrogate and me.

I would of course wanted to concretize my project as a couple. I had long relationships and there was serious talk of having a child. Unfortunately, these links did not work.
At 41, a little like a woman listening to her biological clock as she grows older, I told myself that I was going to stop waiting for my prince charming. Professionally, I managed to build a solid clientele of prestige as a designer. So I was ready to embark on the most personal and dreamed project of my life, to be a father. Almost two years ago, I started serious, as a single person.

I first followed trainings explaining the procedure for adoption in Quebec and internationally. Honestly, it was disheartening. Adoption is difficult and complicated, and even more so for homosexuals. Already internationally, the opening of countries to gay parents is very limited or even null, unless he claims to be heterosexual single in the psychosocial assessment and again, there is nothing gained.

In Quebec, adoption is now open to same-sex couples.
One passes either through the regular bank, which involves several years of waiting, or through the mixed bank, which includes children removed from their parents by the Director of Youth Protection (DPJ).

If there is less time for this second option, we must know that we first assume a role of foster care for a few years before being eligible for adoption.

But above all, during training, we were presented with the worst scenarios. "They are children who will always have a feeling of abandonment ... A lot of heavy cases ..." I was sitting there, single single surrounded by couples, and I said to myself: "I want a child, but how much? Already that it is not easy to be a single parent, do I, in all conscience, want a little patient, physically or psychologically? It discouraged me to think that I was going to be alone to handle that. I realized that I may not be ready.

Above all, what I wanted was to have a child from me. But how ? I knew that it was possible to have a surrogate in places in the United States. I did not know at the time that this could be done in Canada, knowing that in Quebec contracts with surrogates are not legally recognized. But the problem going through the United States, beyond the cost, was the distance, especially since it was necessary to consider staying there for a few weeks after the birth of the child, so long as all the papers were in order. Even if working on my own gave me some flexibility, it was hard to imagine, and it scared me.

I also probed my entourage: was there among my friends and acquaintances someone who would like to carry my child? It's a very delicate question. There are many women who say they want to help you. Then, they do not know anymore, want to talk about it again with their spouse ... All this hesitation creates delays and insecurity. And this friend, will she be ready to give it to you at birth after wearing it for nine months? Will she want to get involved? I'm not saying that nobody wanted, but I decided to turn to an unknown woman. It seemed easier, especially to avoid tearing. And honestly, that's not what I was looking for. If I had a child, without it being a couple project, I wanted it for myself.

In January 2013, a friend told me about one of her acquaintances who used a surrogate mother in Ontario. He advised me on a number of resources, including the LGBT Family Coalition. I then attended one of their conferences where we explained the process. I was mainly surrounded by women, for whom, let us specify, it is much easier, because they have access to assisted procreation in Quebec, whether alone, hetero or lesbian. I realized that my dream could come to fruition in Ontario, where surrogacy is legal and framed. It was great ! I was really excited. Having known, my God, I would have done it five years ago! I returned home delighted and I did not delay to shop assisted procreation agencies.

I also did a lot of research, including support sites for surrogates, so I came across Tina. I found it independently, so without the help of any agency, which is very rare, because it still represents a risk. It reassured me to know that I would start paying for it - because the law states that surrogate mothers can not be paid - until they become pregnant. I really clicked with Tina. This single Greater Sudbury taxi driver was going to act for the first time as a surrogate mother, and she specified that her desire was to help single gay guys or couples. His intention touched me.

Tina was also reassured by the fact that I too was alone, because sometimes a third person in the process causes friction. We were both in a wonderful and unusual situation. She also had her own reluctance because she was worried about having to keep the baby. We can imagine many surrogates who would decide to keep the child, but fewer parents who could change their minds before birth. It's a double-edged knife, a fear experienced by both parties. But our many discussions allowed us to develop a good mutual trust.

I had found my surrogate mother. It was now necessary to find an egg donor. It turned out to be more complicated. Tina had offered herself. I was not against it. I must say that it reassured me to know that she had given her second child for adoption to a gay couple, with whom she always maintained a very cordial contact. It proved to me that she had already been able to come off, even if it's difficult.

But to do all this, I wanted to have the opportunity to conceive a child who genetically resembles me.
It was important to me. I am a brunet of Portuguese origin, I still have a small frame and is five feet eight inches, so I was not looking for a six-foot Swedish with blue eyes and blond hair.

And Tina is a big, pretty sturdy woman of Aboriginal descent. Anyway, I still had some concerns about Tina and I was telling myself that if she was not biologically the mother, she would not develop the same attachment or connection. It's nice to have a good communication, but you still swim in the unknown. You do not know how she thinks, what she might decide later. But I admit that I felt it well. I had a nice chemistry with her. We talked on the phone. We exchanged Facebook messages. She had a beautiful soul, a beautiful personality. I felt that his intention was really to help and that it was not just a matter of money. But none the less, I protected myself. That's why I finally decided to donate eggs. Still there,

The procedure to find your egg donor is still special: you are provided with access codes to a donor catalog. Psychologically, it's weird. You are there watching women, scrutinizing their features and their profile. The information is quite explicit. Not only photos, character traits, what they like or not, their strengths in art or science for example, but also all medical history. What a strange experience.

I was looking for a certain chemistry, a bit like when you meet someone, because after all this child will have the traits of his biological mother. Finally, I had selected one and poof! She was already taken. And another, that we had forgotten to remove from the register. It was really frustrating until I contacted the owner of the clinic. When she knew what I was looking for, she said, "Mario, I have one for you! And indeed, I was excited. She was ready to begin the process related to in vitro, but only in October. It should be noted that these agencies do not treat these women as production machines and ensure that there is a certain delay between interventions.

Everything then becomes like a race, a marathon, because you do not want to lose your surrogate mother. It's necessary that it moves. And Tina did not want to wait because she wanted to go back to school in September; the best time for her to get pregnant would be summer.

As I had established a good chemistry with Tina, I resolved to deal with his availability. We had built a bond and a trust. I did not see why I was going to turn to another surrogate mother.

I recontact the agency, and explain my deadlines. The owner, herself a former surrogate mother and egg donor, was very understanding. I felt a deep respect for these women. I am therefore offered another donor, who would be ready in May. She had done it once, and everything had gone well. Everything about his profile worked very well! She was a very beautiful girl, professional, western, with pretty features and hazel eyes. The only problem was that she was living in Western Canada, which involved additional fees, not only for egg donation, but for transportation, hotel costs, and so on. In short, I said to myself: "Made there, it's great, synchronism is perfect, we go! I tell Tina who was ecstatic. Everything was settled,

Fertilization
I opted for a very professional Toronto fertilization clinic, ReproMed.
Moreover, the egg donor had already made his intervention at this clinic, which reassured me.

I then had to deal with the most disturbing aspect of the process, the contract with Tina. This part is quite heavy because it is necessary that the two parts agree, the surrogate mother and myself. And this step has obviously created some cold with Tina. There was friction and disagreement, especially about the amount and number of my appointments to appointments, because given the distance, it was unrealistic for me to attend all routine meetings. At one point, I was so discouraged that I thought I'd stop everything, even though I had already made deposits. I even told her that if it were not her, it would be another. I was a bit tough, but I had to act like in business, because it was a contract that was in question. It was not by malice, but I am a businessman who works a lot on word, so I reacted quite coldly when I saw changes on the contract. Finally, we got along and the contract was signed.

In the meantime, I met Tina in person for the first time, in May 2013, with a social worker appointed by ReproMed. Having a contract is one thing, but the clinic wanted to ensure our psychological health. At this first meeting, we were both a little shy. Both our individual and joint assessments were conclusive. It was very encouraging.

By the end of June, we were ready to begin the process of synchronizing the cycles between the surrogate mother and the egg donor. I have obviously not met the donor, and will never be able to because it is an anonymous donation. But I still have pictures of her that eventually I can share with my daughter when she will ask me. It was one of the many recommendations of the social worker and I am very comfortable with that.

On August 2, 26 eggs were collected from the donor, 16 of which were considered viable. One of them allowed us to perform the first in vitro fertilization . Here ! It was done ! And then, start the wait. Would Tina fall pregnant? She wanted so much that it works! I no longer touched the ground until Tina's fatal phone call.
"Mario, I'm leaving the appointment for the blood tests. The intervention did not work, it's negative, sighed Tina, crying.

• It does not matter Tina, we'll fight again. We do not lose hope.
• But what are we doing now?
• If you feel ready, we do another test as soon as the doctor gives us permission. Are you comfortable with the idea of ​​retrying immediately?
• Perfect ! She exclaimed, relieved.

So here we are again waiting for the next synchronization. There was no question of stopping everything now. At the same time, there was a lot of discouragement. I even think that Tina was more disappointed than me. I was pained, but I told myself that I should not let go, even if the discussions with my entourage who had passed by there caused all kinds of worries to spring up. At the point where I was trying to convince myself that if it did not work, maybe it was not for me. But honestly, I felt bad for Tina. I must admit that at first I was not so aware of everything she was going through. It was from this first attempt that I finally felt more empathy for her, that I really understood everything she was doing for me.

I had been a bit tough with her when negotiating the contract. But our connection had become anything other than a business relationship, friendship. Tina explained the whole process, because I wanted to understand what was happening. I then realized his strength and his commitment, because taking medication and injections, a painful and painful treatment, was going to be calibrated. To know that she was doing this for me, when she was not my spouse, it was incredible. From there, everything became more concrete.

The second intervention finally took place on September 10th. This time, I allowed the doctor to transfer two embryos. It was possible to have twins! Despite my intense stress to think about it, I had prepared myself for this idea.

After nine days, we saw our line! Tina had a positive result on her urine test, she took a picture and sent me by SMS. I was shocked! I called her immediately.
"Tina, is not it? You are pregnant !
"Yes!" She managed to articulate, her voice shattered by emotion.

• I can not believe ! But wait for the blood tests on the 14th day, I say, still saddened by the first intervention that did not work.
• I confess that I did a test two days ago, and it was also positive! It is therefore constant!
• I can not believe it ... it's successful! I say in tears.

Pregnancy
Tina's enthusiasm reassured me, because for me it was a little surreal. It's weird to say, but I did not realize that my dream could come true. At the same time, I was detached, I did not want to get too involved emotionally because I was a little afraid of defeat. The failure of the first in vitro had affected me. I wanted to protect myself.
And from there, it was still necessary to wait. We know that the first three months are critical. And as in everything I do, I try to understand things one day at a time. The first tests, in October, taught us that only one embryo was implanted. I obviously had a disappointment, because I thought I was going to have two babies. But here, luckilyI was expecting a child!

We heard our first heartbeat and then had a first ultrasound on December 18th, at the fourth month of pregnancy. I was moved to see Tina again, whom I had not seen in person since May. We could not know the sex of the baby, but as the holidays approached, it was the best gift I could hope for, knowing that nearly four months had passed and everything was fine. We just had to wish everything went well for the next five months.

The most intense moment I had during pregnancy was at the second ultrasound on January 24th. I still did not know the sex of the child. The doctor and Tina were convinced that he was a boy. I had a little idea that I would have a boy. I was going on a business trip to Paris and unfortunately I could not accompany Tina to her appointment. The ultrasound was at 7:30 pm and my flight was at 7:45 pm, so I had a 15-minute game to learn the big news. On the plane, I frantically picked up my e-mails on my phone, which the flight attendant told me to close. Unfortunately, it was only the next day when I arrived in Paris that I learned, much to my surprise, that I was expecting a girl! I had always wanted to have a girl! I named her Alicia then.

Two days later, Tina went to the hospital urgently. "Mario, I have bad news. I have gallstones, "she told me on the phone, hastening to add that it can happen during pregnancy and that these kind of stones do not represent a danger for the child, but for the pregnant woman. At the end of the line, I was really stressed and above all, worried for her.

" How do you feel ? What can we do? "I asked, my stomach knotted. Then she explained to me that the way to fix it was to follow a strict diet. I was eager to do some research on that. This is the biggest concern I had during pregnancy, especially as it posed the risk of having a premature baby.

Birth
Frankly, I developed a very special relationship with this woman. As things progressed, I thought about how great she was doing for me. We were in constant contact. She shared what she felt, the progress of her pregnancy and her appointments. And she wanted to take the pulse of my feelings. I think it reassured her to feel my interest. I made sure to be very present despite the distances. Fortunately, everything went well for Tina, and Alicia was born on schedule, May 27, at 39 weeks.

The birth of my daughter was the best gift I could imagine. I have tears in my eyes just to rethink. I was present at the cesarean section. I was standing with Tina, holding her shoulder, talking to her and reassuring her. I stared at her and I kept telling her that I could not believe what she was doing. I said to myself, "Wow! This woman has carried the child that I will take with me. It was an indescribable feeling. I was even more moved and upset than I could have imagined. I did not know how to thank her.

The doctor allowed me to come up to see my daughter be born. So I could see Alicia's head coming out of Tina's belly, and it was the best day of my life. I did not know how to act. I was shaking, I did not stand on my legs. I saw my child born, all beautiful, eyes wide open! She was already very alert when the doctor touched her little feet. It was great ! I looked at Tina and kept saying to her, "I do not know how to thank you! "

Alicia and I stayed two nights at the hospital, before heading home, into our cozy nest atop a tower in downtown Montreal. Alicia's godmother was with us at the hospital, and of course I introduced Tina to her. This one was in another room, but came to visit us regularly. I really had no objection. I had developed a lot of confidence in her. When I asked her how she enjoyed her experience, she confirmed to me that she had experienced a lot of unexpected things. It was new and unknown for both of them.

"I'll never be able to thank you enough," I kept saying to Tina.

• Mario, I'm so happy to see your delight. You cherished so much this great desire, it makes me good to see that, thanks to me, you are a father filled and happy, she reiterated. Seeing your happiness makes me happy. I would do it again, with you. "

You know, Tina is part of my daughter's life. Initially, during the meeting with the social worker, she had asked us about the next steps. I then said it was important for me that my child be aware of the process, the people involved. And Tina seemed to say, "we'll see." Then, after giving birth, I told her that she was part of my daughter's life. She then wrote me a word, saying that she would like to keep in touch with us. I accepted, of course.

Honestly, in hindsight, I'm not sure things would have gone so well with a friend. There are so many emotions that come into play, and at the same time, you have to stay a little distant, even if it's a woman who is carrying your child for nine months! I think it would have been a bad idea to do it in Quebec, where nothing would have protected me. It's all very well that we are trying to open doors at the medical level, to allow access to assisted procreation for homosexuals, but that is not what we should prioritize, but the aspect legal. Currently in Quebec, only the treatment of women (whether alone, in a couple, hetero or lesbian) is covered by the assisted procreation program reimbursed by the Régie de l 'assurance maladie du Québec.

And since contracts with surrogates are not recognized by our provincial jurisdiction, the woman automatically becomes a biological parent. So you can trust your friend, if she decides to keep the child, you have no legal recourse to challenge. In Ontario, on the other hand, if a contract is signed, a woman who gives birth to a child is not necessarily recognized as the legitimate mother. I tell myself that we still pay taxes and we want the same rights. What does sexual orientation come in there? Why can not one or two men in a relationship automatically enjoy the same right to be legally recognized as the only legitimate parent?

That said, it is important to specify that the RAMQ does not pay for the entire process (fees for lawyers, assisted procreation agency, expenses related to the pregnancy of the surrogate mother, etc.) whose price easily exceeds $ 60,000 per child, even if the intermediary services of the agency are minimized, as in my case, but the costs directly related to the medical activities necessary for in vitro fertilization, namely $ 4,750. As for drug costs, which can reach $ 5,700 in the case of one or more in vitro fertilization attempts, they are covered by the public prescription drug insurance plan.

I heard the judgments that poured into all the stands after the release of Joel Legendre. Too bad for them. At some point, you have to know how to filter. And I was fortunate not to feel judged at all by those around me, my family, my friends, or even my clients.

Some claim that it is the exploitation of the surrogate mother. When I consider my relationship with Tina, it's beyond me! As if I had forced her, when we had such a nice complicity. This relationship looks like a love in a way. This woman enrolled in a group of surrogate mothers, expressing clearly that her interest was to help a parent or a homosexual couple who could not have children. She wanted to do good. And when there is consent and awareness, where are we going to look for this idea of ​​exploitation? Worse, some think that they are weak or poor women. I never had that feeling. By far, on the contrary. I would never have chosen a poor woman or lack of money! You want a child, but you are not desperate at this point.

I am so happy that Ontario has opened the door for me and I have been able to have my beautiful little Alicia without any problem. Everything was smooth, it's great. But I would like Quebec to evolve, for others. I am proud of what I did. There will always be judgments and prejudices against my approach, I have no problem with that. What can I do there? I remember when I met the social worker at the beginning of the process, she told me, "It's such a desired child that I do not see any problem."

Indeed, her dad wanted her so much that she is bathed in love. The most important thing is that, it's love. And that, Alicia will not miss it!