Comfortably Numb.

Fear leaked from every nerve ending of my otherwise healthy body. The hollow had widened following the unpleasant meet. Either my brain failed to deliver those commands to scream or I contained my fears very well. I contained many more urges, too. The urge to indulge in it wholeheartedly, the urge to let go of the fear and feel. The urge to not feel comfortably numb.

Yet, the circle stayed. The circle of protection. The circle that helped me remain strong and safe. But was I being strong or weak? Was I being safe or not? In my inevitable desire to remain comfortably numb, was I inflicting more damage or fixing the broken person in me?

I used to feel like my nerves would sizzle and burn, hot blood coursing with the weight of emotions weighing me down. The orange in the sunlight had seemed more golden than brown. The laughter across the living room always had a touch of warmth in it. Where had all of it disappeared? Were they being stomped and thrashed down by the numbness? Or were they patiently waiting for me to feel? To stop shielding myself with the armor of numbness and start feeling the gentle breeze on my skin?

Yet, the fear settles in. The fear of being treated indifferently, the fear of being thrashed around, the fear of being rejected, the fear of being unimportant. The fear builds castles of numbness, with sentries made of hollow keeping the emotions at bay. The emotions can’t break in through the fortress of numbness to conquer and diminish the fear. The numbness stands strong, guarded by the hollow, the hollow which had enlarged and spread vastly due to the years of pain inflicted.

Even today, I’m afraid of the pain. The hollow is nourished with the fear of pain, in turn guarding the numbness to stay in place. And the comfortable numbness has driven away the joy of feeling. I feel nothing. I lose nothing. I gain nothing. But is it worth anything?

Is it worth not feeling love?

Is the numbness suffice to gain content and happiness?

When I no longer am able to feel, will I stand mute or scream in pain?

Will I ever be happy being comfortably numb?