Stream of Consciousness Journal 5: Resurrection
Today I went busking in my hometown of Syracuse again. This is the first time I've done this since I was taken advantage of by that cult, Earth Nation/Love Cycle. It was particularly nerve-wracking because of the reminder that the last time I did this, I was doing it to network for them when I still thought they were a nonprofit working to better the world.
Oh well. Learn and grow I suppose.
Which is really what today was all about. I decided to do something new. In the past, I brought a sign with me to write a message on. The idea was that it would be enough to spark a conversation, because the whole point of me getting out and busking was to network and get over my fear of people. What that really taught me is that busking doesn't really work that way. Also, carrying a sign is heavy and pointless.
Instead, today I went out with the basic idea of "whatever happens, happens." I didn't care what people were going to think of me. I was going to go out, juggle, and just talk to myself. This last part is critical. Several years ago I found myself lost in the swirling depths of psychosis. Schizophrenia is a hell of a drug. I became paranoid, delusional, and agoraphobic. I still am, but back then I gave up. I isolated, and as a result, my ability to communicate atrophied. I sunk inside my head, and became selectively mute.
It took several years to reverse that fully, which means to return to the level of fear and timidness that I had before I started devolving. This is my attempt to step away from all my past selves and embrace a new me. Like a phoenix, I plan to rise from the ashes and recondition myself into someone who is not afraid of talking or expressing myself in front of people.
If we think of the mind as a pile of sand, then each grain is a different experience. Thus, the sum of our experiences, the particular configuration they settle in, is the lens we perceive reality through. Our brain uses this information to determine how we can act in any particular moment; constructing a heuristic algorithm derived from all lessons learned. And what is each moment, each experience we have, if not a lesson?
Being conscious of this, we can mindfully rewrite our sand pile by feeding ourselves specific experiences. This is what today was for me. By talking freely about whatever was on my mind, I was reconditioning my filter, my censor, that has inhibited me for so long. I might not be a fundamentally new person by tomorrow, but I will be closer to the ideal me that I crave to be. On a long enough time line, this ensures that I will manifest my highest self here in the physical.
These are the sorts of things I talked about for a little under and hour today as I stood juggling across the street from the Starbucks on Marshall Street. Most of what you have/will read here are ideas that came to me on the sidewalk. While I stood still in the physical doing the magic that I do with my balls, I was taking many steps forward towards the horizon of my choice. This conscious piloting of our vessels is the basis of alchemy.
A lot of people hear alchemy and immediately think of the primitive precursor to chemistry. While alchemy did give birth to this, the primary goal of alchemy was always the transmutation of the self. This is the "Great Work;" the manifestation of the philosopher's stone. I consider the philosopher's stone to be an axiom: "All Truths Are Lies." It is a single belief that allows for all beliefs to manifest and be torn down. It is an awareness that we humans, with our 3.5lb meat sponges are inherently fallible, and that anything we choose to believe should not be held on to rigorously.
When we attach ourselves to our beliefs, we close many doors in front of us. This is because when we choose to see the world one way, we collapse reality into that perception, making other options hidden from us. When we become attached to enough ideas, those ideas come to rule us, and we create an ego. The ego is like a mask which tells us how to dance on this stage we call the world. If we do not remove our masks regularly, then our masks grow attached to our face, and we get stuck dancing only one dance.
Our potential is maximized when we are willing to step away from how we have been and embrace something new. This is often the trap that keeps people from being their highest, most authentic self. We learn one way of being, and then get trapped in a pattern of thoughts and behaviors. I struggled with this for many years. Depression really is a labyrinth. The exit is so elusive, and those lost in it get worn down from wandering and losing hope. A result of depression is feeling like there is always a wall in front of us, when in reality there is none. Even if the path in front of us is wide open, if we believe there is a wall blocking us, we will not attempt to move forward.
This is a difficult thing to overcome. The solution is being willing to step out of our comfort zone regularly. Free will is a skill; if we travel down a new road every day, eventually we will be able to navigate to any destination. I almost vomited when I reached that corner of Marshall and University. But by choosing to push my boundaries, I stretched those boundaries, expanding my future potential. This is essentially what a sculptor does with their marble. With each action we take, we forge a more refined version of ourselves for the future.
It does a banana no good to try to be a potato. Whatever we are, we must be that. Whatever wavelength of light is inside, we must shine that color as brightly as we can. If we try to conform to the expectations of society, we not only dampen our ability to succeed, but we let the whole down as well. When everyone self-actualizes and radiates their unique flavor of being into the world, the rainbow that forms is indistinguishable from the white light of the Sun.
This is a fundamental truth that we all know, but lose sight of as we learn from the garden. Everything is one; I am he, he is me, and we are all together. All is one, but the garden is created through the division of this unity. We can return to this oneness at any time. One way to do so is to begin seeing reality in three components. There is the objective phenomena outside of us, the subjective qualia inside of us, and the translation of the inner and outer across a membrane; a server, a client, and a holy internet.
When we see the world through this lens, we see no division between others. Everyone is part of the same, and all we know exists as a conversation with ourselves in a mirror. All other forms of division first must manifest from this basic form of perspective. This means that all novel forms emerge as a result of previous forms. There is a basic pattern of the universe that is present in everything. It is the pattern of light; of love. Order emerges from chaos as a result of a very specific pattern of energies. There are no objects in this universe, only processes. All is energy in flux; a relationship of relationships of relationships. As an extension of this complex pattern, we too create higher order by reflecting that which manifested us. As above, so below.
John Nash overturned Adam Smith's economic principles with his ideas of governing dynamics. In short, he proposed that there exists a ratio where we give to the self and give to the whole that maximizes the growth of the self and the growth of the whole.
One person dropped some change into my jar. Another put a dollar in there. Another man came to me asking for money. I gave him more than I earned today. His name was Art, or so he said, and he spoke very softly. He had a good heart, and I recognized the same self-depriving, self-sacrificing behavior that has held me back for so long. I told him that if the gardener does not take care of themselves, who takes care of the garden? I told him that our first love is self love, and only when we stand on solid ground can we help others. I told him that if we hold the light of the Sun in our hearts, then our vine will grow towards the Sun.
He was grateful for everything I had to offer. A past me might not have given him any money, or even the time of the day. Like John Nash, I suppose you could say I was born with two scoops of brains but only half a helping of heart. But, as I said, if you keep walking, you'll eventually find yourself somewhere new. I was once a very judgmental person, but I am grateful for the path that I have walked, as it has shown me the extent of the human character. While I once sought revenge against my creator for sending me down a path of brambles, I now realize it was in the light of love, for our experiences grow what we are made of.
I walked to the bus with a pep in my step, and a smile on my face. Not only did I set out to do what I accomplish, I managed to help someone else out. I am excited for the future. Classes start at Syracuse University in a couple weeks, and that means there will be a lot more eyes to see my juggling, and many more ears to hear what I have to say.
Hey, I wrote a short book about the experiences that led to me being in this place. It would really mean a lot if you picked it up. It's a rollercoaster ride through my childhood and explores (mostly) everything that shaped me into who I am today.
I also have a Patreon which I've recently set up as a means to help me get these messages out to the world more often!