Ayahuasca Round 4

Night 1

On the first night, my first dose was quite uneventful. I was the first up as soon as the “booster” was called. The dose looked tiny compared to the first one I had received earlier. Little did I realise that I was in for a long night.

Before the session started we were encouraged to meditate on our intentions following the usual pre-Toma rapé. Since my last mushroom session, I had become overly aware of the blockages surrounding my heart chakra, in spite of having cleared some of them during that process. My heart had begun to feel heavy again at times. In my experience, as well as providing cleansing, entheogens very much seem to make the unconscious conscious. So in many respects, in spite of all the cleansing I had achieved, this sometimes made me feel worse. Now I could feel the problem I had always suspected. I asked the question, what is blocking my heart?

What followed was one of the most challenging nights of ayahuasca I have ever experienced. I was purging constantly for at least the next 6 hours - from both ends for at least a third of that time. Primordial groans were aplenty.

I remembered as I sat down on the toilet for large periods of time, my consciousness guiding me to the subject areas that had been blocking me for so many years. It began with all the self loathing - just layers of phlegm and mucous were purged to begin with, which was later accompanied by diarrhea. As soon as I felt that that had been dealt with (several hours later), I knew there was something else, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then it just popped into my head from nowhere. It was self judgement.

The purging continued for another hour. I was worn out, but another part of me knew that there was still so much work left to do. I began to direct my consciousness to all the other hurt I thought must have been trapped inside of me - being bullied in school, 15 years of social anxiety and not feeling that I was good enough, the years of verbal abuse I have had to put up with from my narcissistic brother - on top of the anxiety I was already going through. Out it all came.

As I finally came out of the toilet, I declared to the room that I required a long enduring hug. All I got was tumbleweed. I went to lay back on my bed where I was not neighboured by any other participants on this occasion. I remember thinking that this was no coincidence. It was a reminder of the loneliness I had felt in life - maybe I just had to know it one more time before I said goodbye and good riddance to it all. This was my hope at least.

There were several times when I thought it had all ended, and I did manage to get some much needed rest, but then from nowhere there would be a little more phlegm, a little more diarrhea.

On another trip to the toilet I remember thinking about the bufo I was to consume the following day. I remembered how I used the ayahuasca experience prior to my last bufo to clear anything out to make my bufo the next day go more smoothly. As I focused on this, more purging followed. There was also a fear. I decided at one point I was not going to do it, but deep down I realised that I knew I had to.

Bufo #3

Unlike my previous bufo experience where I had been the only one brave enough to do it, there were about 12 takers at this retreat on this day. The bufo takers occupied 4 beds in the facilitation room and were dosed accordingly, sequentially around the room. As soon as the 4th person had taken theirs, the 1st person was ready to move from the bed and allow the next person in. I remember being in the 2nd group of 4 - I think I was 6th.

It was fortunate that I had the time to prepare for this experience. For many of the weeks leading up to this time, I had been fearful of my next break-through experience - I had been experimenting with smaller doses at home, but this seemed like nothing compared to the complete ego-loss a breakthrough dose facilitates.

Thanks to the non-bufo bufo experience several weeks before, I had been given a kind of vision as to how this could be if I could manage it without fear. I meditated for 10 minutes while the attention of the rest of the group was on the previous bufo taker. I focused my attention on how the 5-MeO-DMT experience was simply pure divine love. That no fear was necessary.

My previous two bufo experiences had a similar theme. They both began like a shaky rocket taking off and travelling faster and faster towards hyperspace. The instability became more and more rapid until everything exploded at the level of “God”, for want of better terminology.

This time was completely different. I can safely say that it was one of the most (if not the most) profound experience of my life.

I continued the mantra within my internal monologue that I had begun within the meditation, as I held the smoke in my lungs. This time there was no rocket ship. No shaking. Not even an explosion at the end. I had taken a quantum leap to “God”. I was unity consciousness, represented by a still yet vibrant blue circle. Every moment of it was blissful and beautiful.

Unlike the previous bufo experiences, I had spent some of the time on this one with some awareness of physical reality. I was told afterwards that I had had my head lifted by the facilitator to vomit into a bucket. I remembered none of this. I did however remember writhing around on the bed with saliva spewing from my mouth. It was almost like a dream outside of my blissful experience.

As I came round I realised I had never experienced such profound bliss. My heart felt pure. In fact, my whole body felt pure. I remember thinking in that moment that my lifelong affliction was healed. I took pride in myself for letting go of fear - it is what I had intended, and what I had achieved.

For the following 30 minutes or so, I found my being in a state of complete surrender. I had no resistance to a single thing. I had been cleansed and there was no reason to fight anything, however small. It felt amazing.

In a way this part of the experience was similar to my last bufo, in that I felt so much purity and clarity that no more cleansing was even required. No more ayahuasca, no more psychedelics. I had everything I needed right here, right now. Of course, as the bliss wore off and I came back into physical reality, my rose-tinted view of the world around me also began to wither away. There were still issues, but fortunately another 3 nights of ayahuasca remaining. This was of course just another glimpse of enlightenment, not enlightenment itself.

Night 2

The previous night had exhausted me, and I had slept little. I had, however, felt cleansed by the bufo earlier in the day. I almost begged ayahuasca for a quiet night, and that was exactly what she gave me.

It was uneventful relative the previous nights constant purging. I spent the night thinking about nice things, expressing gratitude for what I already had, and thinking positively about my future. It was comforting and exactly what I needed.

If I’m being honest, I was a little too scared to get too deeply involved with anything at this point. I refused a booster dose. I was contented with exactly where I was.

Night 3

I had been thinking for some time before about what I wanted to achieve tonight. After so much purging on the first night, and a rest on the following night. I almost felt like I was ready to go in deep again, and yet at the same time I had some residual fears.

I decided I wanted to find out the source of the tension in my back. I had tried to allow ayahuasca to heal the physical side of this before, and it helped considerably, but the tension always came back. It always returned to level it was at before.

I laid resting for almost 2 hours face down on my bed in a comfortable position close to the open fire. I thought that nothing was likely to happen now, but I was OK with that. Whatever, I thought. What will be, will be.

Then I suddenly felt something changing in my head. Something was starting. I turned myself around and lay flat on my back, awaiting what was to come.

A vision began, and then escalated. My focus was taken toward my Solar Plexus chakra. This was apparently from where the issue emanated. I had my answer.

But then mother aya took me into a physical healing process, similar to one I had experienced on previous retreats, but somehow slightly more advanced. I did wonder whether it was worth the effort, if things would just return back to how they were without dealing with the source of the issue, but I just let go and let spirit take me. I allowed the spirit of the vine to take control of my body, as I moved around into a plethora of different bodily positions which appeared to be aimed at stretching certain muscles, and untangling the knots contained within them. It was a cosmic yoga of sorts.

This went on for at least another 6 hours or so. It felt good to have so many releases so I didn’t mind. But then it carried on after the session had finished. Everyone else was out of process, with many falling asleep in the room. I was still going for at least an hour and a half before I felt too tired to continue. Enough was enough. I went to bed.

Night 4

It was the final night, and I was torn on where I should place my intentions. The previous night’s vision had led me to the source of my tension, the solar plexus. However, a common theme that yet again presented itself to me was the need for control - the mind’s overwhelming influence over my consciousness. It has ameliorated over the last year or so, but there are still automated programs based on my past experience that operate, and I need to work on changing them.

Nothing seemed to happen for an hour or two, other than a large amount of intestinal discomfort - a blockage. I was wondering whether anything would happen at all - maybe my ambiguous intentions and lack of specificity would not lead anywhere.

But then, I just found myself relaxing into the situation and I felt my head buzzing, as my neurons became illuminated by the DMT. Spirit was within me once more. I intuitively placed my hands upon my solar plexus and felt an enormous amount of energy pass through my hands and into my body. The blockage cleared almost immediately. I slowly moved my hands to other chakra locations without even thinking about it. Down to my navel chakra, and up to my throat. Again, feeling large amounts of energy corse into me. I then relaxed, and felt the urge to release that original blockage. I no longer felt uncomfortable.

Over the next several hours, I went through what I can only refer to (relative to the first night) as a happy purge. I gradually felt energies release from me. I would be lying down, only for my mouth to open wide, and energy to pass out of it, from deep within my being. There was more phlegm, and even vomit.

This vomit was curious. I had felt it brewing for a long time - I had been on all fours, circling around the bucket for a while, like a caged beast awaiting its expected emancipation. But there were only minor purges in the form of breath. I had to lay back down on my front again to let go of the built-up anticipation. Eventually it came, and I duly allowed it to escape. It was a reddish colour, and carried with it a sticky, gritty substance. I felt it in my teeth and on my tonsils. Lodged within my throat. I had to wash out my mouth and gargle with water in order to completely remove it. It grossed me out a bit. The next time I went to the toilet, I tipped the content of my bucket into the bowl and saw a kind of black tarry substance within it. “Fucking hell”, I exclaimed to myself in astonishment, glad that this putrid substance had been released from my physicality.

By this stage, most of the rest of the group were in a happy mood, singing along to the joyous songs in utter merriment. I dipped in and out of this in stages throughout my purges.

Then something rather amusing happened. As I let go of myself to allow the next purge out, I positioned myself accordingly over the bucket. To my surprise, however, there was no vomit, but a kind of high-pitched hum - not one of the primordial sounds I had emanated on previous purges, but more like a song - a Laaa of sorts. It was perfectly pitched which almost surprised me, since I am a terrible singer. But then again, I guess it did not come from the “I” that “I” call “I”. As it came out, I could feel elements of sludge clearing from my throat. Most of the group erupted in joyous laughter and cheering. So did I. This must have repeated at least 10 times.

The interesting thing about the night was that I had also achieved a little more freedom from my mind at the same time. I remembered from my first night of ayahuasca on the first retreat, how I very much still had a feeling of worrying about what people thought of me, and how this had prevented me from allowing some of my unwanted energies from escaping me. I had realised then, how far away I was from that time. I was quite happy to let go and allow the purging to present itself in whatever manner it would like, with no fear of shame.

Reflections

Since the retreat ended a week ago at the time of writing, I have noticed something within myself. There is this subtle holding-on of sorts - an inability to relax completely. Even though I felt I was relaxed before, the unconscious has been brought into the light of conscious awareness, and I have realised how I am not completely letting go. This has been a common theme throughout entheogenic healing episodes of my recent past. I have noticed a very subtle emotional tension, which is forming the physical tension in my back and shoulders. I have also been sensing that this has slowly been allowing my heart centre to clog up again. I have thus far managed to prevent this from returning permanently through meditative and yogic practices. I intend to focus on this issue more deeply through my meditation practice - to shine the light awareness on it, even more sharply - in order that I may dissolve it completely.