Which Plastic Garbage Island Getaway is Right for You?
Whether for a romantic getaway or a spring break bash, make your next vacation destination a plastic garbage island.
Whether you’re heading off on a romantic getaway or spring break bash, make your next vacation destination a plastic garbage island. Why visit another hurricane-ravaged Caribbean beach when you could try something different: island-hopping to one of five floating gyres of pollution in our oceans? Find out which non-biodegradable waste haven is perfect for you!
How will you start each day of your plastic garbage island vacation?
A. Waking up beside your sweetie in a romantic hut constructed of old yogurt containers.
B. Building a castle from a selection of used toothbrushes.
C. Relaxing on a hammock woven from empty Coffeemate bottles.
D. Snorkeling with tropical fish who are slowly dying of consumption from the little green plastic sticks Starbucks uses to prevent leakage from its beverage lids because god forbid you spill a drop of coffee on the walk across the street back to your office!
E. Meditating on a zafu cushion made from K-Cup Pods recklessly tossed from every car dealership waiting room in America.
What foods do you look forward to eating?
A. Polystyrene-poisoned oysters on the half shell (they’re an aphrodisiac!)
B. Mahi Mahi tacos seasoned with the microparticles of green plastic army men.
C. Lego-stuffed yellowfin tuna steak.
D. Swordfish marinated in the toxins dissolved from Fiji Water bottles.
E. Nothing. You’re on a diet. Your suitcase is packed with non-biodegradable bottles of Soylent Meal Replacement.
What plastic garbage island activity suits you the best?
A. Sipping pina coladas from straws that will outlive you and your family.
B. Watching beached whales slowly starve to death with stomachs full of plastic debris.
C. Weaving disposable plastic bags from Walmart into your beach braids.
D. Flirting with a hot polymer scientist at the club while you groove to sexy soul hits like The Temptations’ Plastic Man.
E. Gazing into the surf at free in-flight earbuds someone used once, forgot about in their pocket, and accidentally dropped on the ground while fumbling to silence their phone during a movie, which were then swept into a sewer grate and eventually flowed into the ocean where they will inevitably pierce an endangered sea turtle’s intestinal wall.
You’re snapping photos while snorkeling (thanks to your waterproof polycarbonate camera case that will take up to 1000 years to decompose). What are you taking pictures of?
A. A group of jellyfish. Oh, wait, that’s actually a mass of 33,076 old Ziploc sandwich baggies.
B. A fierce-looking barracuda! Never mind! That’s a rear bumper from a Hyundai Elantra.
C. A lobster! Nope, that’s actually a tangled cluster of red Solo cups.
D. A school of beautiful Finding Nemo clownfish! Oh, wait, those are particles of orange “Let’s Do This” buckets from the Home Depot.
E. The three unnecessary layers of cellophane Trader Joe’s uses to sell a red pepper.
Who’s more “plastic”?
A. Regina George from the movie Mean Girls.
B. Heather Chandler from the movie Heathers.
C. The cast from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
D. The fluorescent processed orange flavorless goo on Taco Bell’s Nachos BellGrande.
E. Your mother because she won’t stop gifting you Tupperware. How many one-touch spaghetti dispensers does she think you need?
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