Riding Roller Coasters with Anthony Bourdain

Now, I am no longer a lovestruck teenager with posters of my idols on my wall. Although I still spend a large portion of my income on travel, the trips seem to be getting shorter, as the distance between them grows.

I guess this is what happens as we get older. Our priorities shift.

My priority now is building my business. You see, I’ve been at this entrepreneur thing for a little over a year. And it is hard.

Really fucking hard.

While my friends grind it out from 9-to-5 as corporate cogs, they picture me sipping margaritas by the pool, or enjoying a mid-morning yoga session followed by brunch with other lucky, happy self-employed people.

They just don’t get it.

And they definitely don’t get how someone as confident, and popular, and successful as Anthony Bourdain could take his own life.

But I do.

I get it.

Photo by Annie Ma on Unsplash

There is a roller coaster we’re all riding, us creative entrepreneurs. We don’t truly understand that this is the ticket we buy when we walk through the gates marked Creative Genius, but this is the ride you must go on…and try to make it out the other side.

It doesn’t matter if you’re not tall enough. It’s doesn’t matter if you get motion-sick. Scared of heights? Tough shit, kid. You’re next in line.

And this roller coaster is a doozy.

Some days, it’s like the old-timey wooden roller coaster at Mission Bay Park. It doesn’t go very fast, and the ups and downs are pretty minor. You could easily take a Coke on the ride and not spill a drop. Cotton candy? Sure thing. All aboard!

But some days, it’s like you’re sitting atop the Kingda Ka at Six Flags, looking down a 420-foot drop with your heart in your throat, completely unprepared for the fall.

The more I talk to fellow entrepreneurs, the more I realize that this manic-depressive roller coaster is standard operating procedure. You see, we need those manic highs in order to create pure, ecstatic brilliance.

We are the people in the grind, day in and day out, striving — and struggling — to create something out of nothing with our own bare hands.

And we aren’t just the freaks, or the outliers, taking this ride. We are your neighbors, your girlfriends, your husbands, your kids, your siblings… We are the norm.

Maybe we are the perfect people to try to lead to this crazy kind of life. Because our brains are hard-wired to think outside the cubicle, to go where no (wo)man has gone before…

But some people don’t make it out alive.

Photo by Jakub Gorajek on Unsplash

So…what does manic-depression look like?

When you’re experiencing mania, colors look brighter, details are crystal clear, and you have unlimited energy. It’s like life is playing at 4X its normal speed.

When my mania is at an all-time high, ideas ignite more frequently than fireworks on the 4th of July. My fingers can’t fly across the keyboard fast enough to write them all down.

I am lightning in a bottle.

Many people take drugs to feel like this. I don’t have to. My brain gives me the euphoric boost all by itself. And the high is fucking awesome.

And it is during these manic bouts that I do my best work.

But the problem with mania is its counter-effect, its mirror image, its evil twin…depression. Because you can’t go up forever, darling. At some point, you must come down.

And in my experience, the crash can drive you down far deeper than you ever thought possible.

Photo by Michael Benz on Unsplash

Last October, I started to come down from a 6-month manic spell. I had built an eCommerce business from scratch, pouring my heart and soul into making a go of it.

Then, like a candle who has burned through its wick, I just flickered out.

By December, it was all I could do to move myself from my bed to the living room couch. My wake up times stretched from 7 to 11 a.m. Days blurred together in a string of Netflix binges. Sometimes I would forget to eat. The only time I would get out of the house was to take the dog around the block.

And that was on the good days.

No one knew this was happening to me. I didn’t confide in my friends or my family. My boyfriend didn’t know I went hours without moving, staring blindly at the television set, while he was at work. I dealt with my depression silently, and with shame. So much shame.

On the outside, I had a thriving business. I was building my dream. But inside, I was a shell of doubt, and fear, and loathing.

And I am one of the lucky ones.

Because my depressive swings aren’t ever too bad. They never last that long. And I am able to keep my focus, at least a small sliver of focus, on the glimmer of hope that is my end goal.

Photo by Bruno van der Kraan on Unsplash

But for those like Tony, and Kate Spade, and Chris Cornell, that glimmer can get so dim, you would be hard-pressed to find it in the dark.

Because you see, when you’re in the black, inky depths of depression, the desire to climb back towards the light feels so hard, so brutally hard.

And it’s just so fucking far…

So you fight the good fight, for just as long as you can.

Anthony Bourdain

There has been a lot of talk lately of bringing light to mental illness. In letting depressed people know that there are resources out there to help. That they “are not alone.”

But, we are alone.

Depression is not a team sport. It is a battle fought on one front, by one person. Just you against your own brain.

Unfortunately, I do not hold the answers. I am not a psychologist, or a neurologist, or anyone else who may hold the key to unlocking this great mental health mystery.

I am just a writer who understands what it feels like to go through the motions and to muddle her way blindly through the dark.

Anthony Bourdain / Naxos, Greece / CNN “Parts Unknown”

So, here then, lies my love letter to one of my greatest heroes.

That tattoo-adorned culinary rock rebel, who inspired millions to get off of their sofas and out of their comfort zones. The man who unknowingly helped this sheltered kid from Spokane, Washington to fall madly, hopelessly in love with the world.

I picture you, today, walking into your next grand adventure with one eyebrow cocked and a middle-finger in the air.

Please know that your legend lives on through those of us still desperately, passionately exploring parts unknown.

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