BEASTLY TALES

THE ENTOMOLOGIST

Not in any sense an entomologist,
Freddie was a bit of a pest.
He revelled in doing things that irked,
It seemed this duty he never shirked.
Practical jokes were his favourite thing,
Like running away after your doorbell he’d ring.
Calling the coppers on false pretence,
Gave Freddie a type of pleasure immense.
When the coppers arrived with siren and bell,
Freddie would hide, sniggering, until it did jell,
On the coppers that they had been had,
And they immediately suspected a very bad lad.
For they had experienced Freddie before,
And they weren’t ready now for anything more.
What, I hear you ask, had this to do,
With the science of insects? I’ve got no clue.
Except that Freddie, looking for another bad gag,
Decided upon something brand new for his gag bag.
He had noticed a nest of paper wasp things,
Feisty little critters with high speed wings.
But most of all with a powerful bite,
A vicious sting that makes one run with fright.
Freddie conjured up this new idea,
Of doing something so very queer,
Concerning these wasps, that most folks frighten,
And coppers whose net on Freddie was about to tighten.
Thought Freddie, I’ll make another false copper call,
But this time I’ll have the biggest surprise of all.
For when the coppers in a flurry arrive,
I’ll open up, not just a bee hive,
But an angry paper wasp nest,
Will give them reason to allow me a rest.
Always blaming me for every false alarm,
Such a campaign lacks certain charm.
And so Freddie did just what he said,
The coppers to receive bites with spots very red.
The coppers arrived, saw him, and charged,
“There’s Freddie, Let’s get him”, and forward they barged.
Freddie backed up a metre or two,
Until he could reach a box in which paper wasps flew.
The wasps were angry, fit to burst,
Ready to attack, to do their worst!
Freddie threw the box towards the charging cops,
Knowing the lid would open when the box flops,
Onto the ground, amid the copper attack,
And the wasps would sting their face, arms and back.
Setting the coppers into full retreat,
Making them wish they were still on the beat.
Instead of members of a “flying squad”,
Now not “flying” but careful where they trod.
But in the end the coppers had the last laugh,
Compensation for their retreat, not by half.
They charged Freddie with using a weapon offensive,
A charge of which Freddie was very defensive.
How can a paper wasps nest be a threat?
If all they have are stingers to jet,
Toxin multiple times, and yet again
Causing some discomfort and a little pain.
Whilst coppers do carry on their very large belt,
An assortment of instruments to shoot, hit and pelt,
Their unfortunate victims, both big and small,
Whether they’re peaceful or inclined to brawl.
They can be “waspish”; that’s irritable and snappish,
Formidably aggressive and rather crapish.

And so in jail, Freddie did pine,
Awaiting sentence, including a fine.
Determined to limit his bag of tricks,
To things not entomological for his weird kicks.