"Is it OK and normal for me to have 'space' in my relationship with my boyfriend?"
Excerpt: Why are we so afraid to claim what is good for us in a relationship? It's because we think that if we love ourselves it necessarily comes at the expense of the other, and we do not want to hurt their feelings. However, when we feel bad we convey this, telepathically, to our loved ones (spouses, children, colleagues etc) and they also begin to feel the guilt and remorse. Soon enough the relationship becomes toxic and collapses.
We live in the age of individualism. To be able to take care of ourselves, while being in a relationship is an art. Very few people know how to do that and frequently it comes with a price (a slower spiritual growth). In this era, the 21st century, people need time for reflection, time for their own, a "space". And it's normal and healthy to ask and receive it.
Credit: Doug Thomas
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now and he’s my first serious boyfriend. We are both in our middle twenties and our love is blooming. But lately I feel that I want more space; I’m busy with my studies, and I need to be with myself when I am upset and stressed from school. He does not accept it and says that I can learn at his place. He says that there is no such thing as being with him only when I feel like it; he says that relationship is being together.
He also judges me; how I dress or if I am late for a lecture, and I really don’t care. For my part, I don’t criticize how he dresses. It’s good to have someone next to me who brings me back to the ground because I’m a spacey person but sometimes it’s too much. I tell him “let me be who I am”.
I feel that I want to miss him a bit, to renew my strength, although when I am not busy it’s good to be with him for a long time. Maybe I am not built for a relationship? Maybe it is important for me to have moments alone. Is it normal? Is it possible to have a boyfriend and to be by myself when I want to? I don’t want to break up with him. What do you think? Thank you,
Laura
Laura,
What really bothers you is the way he judges and criticizes you. Neither would I want to be with someone who constantly criticizes what I do, wants to change me and does not accept who I am.
For this reason, it is important to enter a relationship when you are a complete and whole person. Why? Because when you know yourself nobody can really judge you. And if someone criticizes your behavior you are not bothered by it; you listen, you observe, you thank them for their criticism but ultimately you know that the decision, to change or not, remains yours. When a person is sure of himself/herself they automatically draw into their reality only those people who generally do not judge others, people who are also sure of themselves and of their essence. Do you see the magic in creation?
Therefore your boyfriend mirrors for you the fact that you have not truly and completely accepted yourself yet. Your lesson then is to love yourself more, since this is the way towards full acceptance.
Choosing to be in a relationship
First, choosing to engage in a relationship is a serious matter. Your boyfriend is right to say that when two people choose to be together they are combining their forces and energies to create something. Creation, as you may know already, is not only good and not only bad but has the two sides of a duality. It is an experience! That means that in order to create a relationship both of you need to experience the dark and the light, the happiness and the sadness, the “good” moments and the stressful moments, et cetera. Think about it, what would you do once you have a family, children, and a disagreement arises? And when you and your husband quarrel? Would you leave home? I doubt it.
So indeed, you may not be ready for a fully committed relationship now, but what is generally abnormal in physical reality is to remain alone. Human beings are meant to come together, to join forces, because we are physically designed to create grander and more appropriate creations with other people than what we can manage by ourselves.
Credit: Dariusz Klimczak
Your own space
It is perfectly normal to have your "space" in a relationship. Not only that, it is essential and healthy for your own well being and the creation of your relationships. he may not understand it yet because he needs you to feed him, but you do. As a human being who becomes more aware of herself you will need time alone, to digest what occurs, and even to do mundane human things like studying, talking on the phone with a friend or reading a book. Still, remember that you are in a relationship and your intentions are not always telepathically read. An insecure boyfriend might not understand your need for time alone. He might interpret it as lack of love, betrayal and other intentions that he erroneously attributes to you. The solution? Explain your needs. It will also serve as an exercise for you in "deserving” - expressing your wishes and needs.
More than that, sometimes your boyfriend will only require your physical presence with him in the same room. So, check with yourself, and if you can indeed do your things (like studying; reading a book etc), at his place, why don't you please him by physically being with him?
Good luck
Relationships are difficult. They require constant work and communication, which apparently many people don't understand (this always comes as a surprise to me).
A one-year relationship is still a sprouting thing, and I think this is the best time to shape it together. When you talk about things, and try to understand why the other feels the way he/she does, it really helps in the long term.
This is probably the most important advice I've ever gotten about relationships, and I am currently in a 10-years mostly-wonderful relationship with my husband, which wouldn't have lasted half of that time if we hadn't dedicated the time to communicate. All of our few fights and bad patches happen when we don't talk enough about things that bother us - we retain tension, and become angry at ourselves, at each other and at the world, and at some point we kind of explode, and then realize we just didn't talk about it. After we do - things go back to normal, and we're very happy together.
As for the judging - from personal experience, I can tell that people are very critical of things they're not happy about in themselves. Maybe your boyfriend feels like he should dress better or not be late to places, and on the other hand, maybe he feels like he'd want you to tell him things like that, too (it's possible, I don't know). So it can be either projection of his own conflicts on you, or desire to receive from you what he believes to be a "loving criticism" - both really annoying, but can be dealt with through communication.
Lastly - the personal space thing is very important. Super-important, really. But relatively new couples, who don't live together yet, seem to want to spend more time together in general. This is a delicate balance, and if and when you move in together, it will slightly shift, because you will be together physically most of your time at home, anyway.
However, in the meantime, it's okay and fair to take some time off, go have coffee or an evening with friends, or even by yourself (or a stroll or something). I used to enjoy my alone time in my car, when I had one. Also, in the most tense situations with my husband, I went on a few "solo vacations" - I took 2-3 days off, flew somewhere nice and cheap, and spent those days in mindless wandering. It helps.
In this case, the guy is insecured, wanting his gf to dress modesty not to atract other men's attention.
Could be, unless he believes she doesn't dress "well enough" - that part wasn't specified.
One can get criticized both for dressing up in a manner that is too "tempting", but as Laura describes herself as "spacey", I would think that the opposite is true, and she just throws on whatever clothes she finds in the closet, and goes to class. In this case it can well be the boyfriend's problem with the way he dresses, wanting to improve his style but not knowing it, or not caring enough to do that. And again, maybe he wants Laura to try and "improve" him in that manner, too, because that's what he considers as "a loving relationship".
I'd say it could be another form of insecurity, but in himself, and not specifically in the relationship.
She is right “let her be who she is”. I don’t judge people, I respect them for who they are. Of course including my other half. She mentioned “it’s her first serious relationship”. After year, I think they mostly explore each other physically and already she is bathered by being judged along with other things. That could be the reason she prefers to be alone sometimes until the physical side of her gets too much tempted. My point is, if he doesn’t change now, it will only get worse and they will eventually break up. That’s what I think.
As the saying goes, judge not or you shall be judged..
Or something along that phrasing... 😉
I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.
👍
.. And happiness is a false goal anyway
Hello David, how nice to read to you again, a reading with a lot to contribute as always, topics based on relationships are my favorite, although your blog, has no waste, I would like to comment on this quote:
I have experienced this before, sometimes people (not necessarily couples), have pointed out, criticized and judged me, in some strange way I have not felt annoyed (although I annoyed myself easily), but rather my brain seems not to process those words, it is like blocking the negative energy that can disturb my security, so I agree with you, on the other hand regarding relationships I feel that communication is the center of everything and I feel that this couple can grow a little more through it.
There's a part of the publication that I feel was hard on my own case:
I've been alone for a few years and I feel that it's a state that is convenient for me today, to be honest I don't see myself in a relationship, so I enter the lot of the abnormal?
Thanks for your question 🙏. I figured that paragraph would raise some eyebrows. So this is a good opportnity to clarify the issue.
Ultimately, a person is an individual. A human is destined to find his/her own sovereignty, to realize their own creation in this physical world. Therefore, many people, such as yourself and yours truly, spend many years with no relationships. These years are dedicated to inner observation and the soul-consciousness integration. It's abnormal in the eyes of the current mass consciousness but in this case It is very good to be abnormal.
There comes a point when one is ready to experience their creations inside the physical world. At that time they are passionate to experience it with another human being, to enjoy the communication, the sharing, the sex. In that regard, I wrote what I wrote:
It's a relief to read this, thank you very much.
"Human beings are meant to come together" and some say that this is one of the important keys for healthy longevity of life.
I hope you can read me Laura.
I believe that anyone has the right to dress the way they want or want, is your body and you are free to do what you want with him (being responsible, of course).
He is only reflecting insecurities because you may be more independent and that is good because you want to grow at your own pace.
Now the problem is that you decided to enter into a relationship and it is about sharing and creating experiences together, making bonds, creating trust and patience.
You must analyze what you want and if you feel ready for that at this moment.
Good luck and I hope to help you.
She can👍
You and your partner may be a match made in heaven, but you're not the same person. You are individuals with your own interests, dreams, and goals, and allowing a little personal space into your relationship will allow you each to pursue those, even if they aren't the same for both of you. Couples need to understand that they are two individuals who are mutually bound by a relationship. Giving space to each other involves trusting your partner so that she can spend some time without any responsibilities.
and then remmeber Too much space might spell danger
Personal space is important. I think there is no reason for him to criticize your dressing and whatever you do. He must accept you and love you the way you are.We all like to be with the people who we love, but there are certain times in life that you have wanted to be alone. That time you want to be just with yourself to ponder into several things that have affected you in one way or the other. We also need space in our life to decide our future, to ponder on the past and take some crucial decisions.
Wow. Another exciting relationship topic today. Personally I think one can be in a relationship with their boyfriend and still have time to themselves whenever they need. The key point in the relationship is understanding each other surely. If your partner understands that at some point you will need time for yourself especially to read books and all, he will definitely give it you. So my advice here would be, everyone should plan for their time in a relationship and let no other partner feel cheated. Thanks @nomad-magus. Interesting topics as usual.