DEAD MEN TALE NO TALES

  Tell you what, something interesting happened last Thursday around Cariboo restaurant just here behind Amber House. I prefer sitting on their upper floor because it provides me with a 180 degree vantage point of view of StanChart parking where usually my crush parks and takes long phone calls from.
I order me some mashed 'tatoes and grilled chicken with pineapple juice. The lean waitress whose name tag says Doreen happily takes my order and inquires if it's take out or if I'm having it there. I nod in agreement with the latter and she hands me a small paper with the Wi-Fi password. I proceed to stalk Mutonia's instagram as I await my meal.
After like 5 minutes three chics enter laughing loudly and sit just a few metres away from me. Given the denims, adidas flip flops, Samsung galaxies and matte lipstick, there's this semblance in style and aura about them that suggests they must be staying together: one is the boss bitch and prolly the rich one, the two are the minions and nod in agreement with everything she says.
I realize it's going to take the graces of the gods to concentrate on my phone as I await my meal with them chatterboxes next to me. So I fetch my iPod and earphones and plug them in. Set the volume on 98 and make sure the only sounds in my head are Nirvana.  *My lunch arrives all steaming hot and smelling tasty. Doreen the waitress asks if I need anything else before alighting to attend to another table across the restaurant. I nod in satisfactory approval and proceed to carefully tuck the napkin around my lap and then start gouging myself on koslow and mashed potatoes. I even dip two more spoonfuls of Mayo into my salad not because I need them, but just because my inflated ego is whispering "you should get our money's worth" inside my ears!
Life is good.
The food is soooo good that I completely ignored the three penguins of Madagascar making noise in the vicinity. I lift my head just once out of curiosity to see what they are having and catch one of the minions making a chewing gum balloon while eyeing me. I cannot tell if she's appalled by the way I'm mercilessly swallowing pounded Irish or she's checking me out.  I clean my huge mouth with a serviette just in case it has Mayo on it. I pause the music on the iPod but continue bobbing my head to give off the impression that my ears are still enslaved by music. I hear everything they are saying. Apparently boss bitch feels they've been waiting for their lunch since The Cold War. They even contemplate leaving but remember the rules here are "Oda wiz Kashi". So you walk out no one will stop you so long as you placed your food order with cheddar baiby!  Now as their food arrives, I'm done with the tatoes and I'm now preparing to rape my chicken to the marrow. I carefully place down the fork and eat some cucumber just to confuse my palate and start by eating off the juicy golden brown chicken skin that has dark grill marks caused by the heat. It's very appealing to the pallet. I momentarily close my eyes just so I can savour the taste...  Oohhhhhh. The gods must be very pleased with me.  I look back and now all three are azstaring at me mercilessly mawling my meal with ease and the confidence of a Savanna lion. I wink and continue eating, which sends them into a bout of laughter. Before I know it one comes and asks if we can all use one table. I agree and signal Doreen who has made it her personal ambition to ensure I'm comfortable throughout my overpriced meal. The ladies ask if we can be assisted to a singular table to which two male waiters come and rearrange my table and in less than 5 minutes it's a round table.  Despite the hunger and awkward moments we manage to exchange names, and I'm struggling not to finish my chicken in two gulps because then I'll be forced to sip on my juice and make unrelatable jokes as they munch their liver and pilau.
In an instant I replay PSY's Gangnam Style allover again.  One of the minions seems taken by the enigma that is Kay. They all made the same orders and seem to have parallel tastes in everything except boys or so it would seem. One seems to have fallen for the ties and knockoff Mont Blanc watch. Everything I say amuses her more than their alpha female boss bitch. She just found me funny and unpredictable but I know this other chica is so smitten, all the lubricant in her kneecaps must be finished!  *The meal finally gets done, and tables are cleared of culinary debris. We all seem full and a few belches and sips of juice prove this. I jokingly tell them all that at first I thought they came off as feisty spoilt cuties but after a while I warmed up to them. They blush and lol. The boss chick gets a quick call and excuses herself and says it was nice meeting me, and that we'll link up sometime (please don't ask how and when i got her number.) Somehow the other one leaves as well but I figure she doesn't want to third wheel her friend who decides to hang around a little longer with me. They nod and somehow communicate without saying a word and I figure it's like their secret code or something.  She asks how much time I'm left with on my lunch break and I proudly tell her the truth. The boss was in Arusha that whole week so as long as I was a stone's throw away from office, I could stay there with her for as long as she wanted me to! Up to now I haven't the faintest idea what was in those words that got her blushing and holding my hand.  "Wow! That's thoughtful! Btw my name's Enid. Figured you didn't get mine but got my besty's" "Pardon my manners dear. I was preoccupied with your gaze and forgot to get your name and your other friend's name as well " "Are you always this charming or you're trying to impress me? " I swallow a hard pint of saliva and tell her it's a bit of both. We finish our juice and she seems fun. Good company. And with her best friends gone, her true individuality slows bares it's beautiful self. She's informed and articulate. She no longer makes gum balloons nor speaks with all her teeth out. She's composed and calm..  She picks up my phone from me and quickly saves her number as "stranger" then dials it, saves mine as Klaus and hands me back my phone. All this in a matter of seconds. I ask why she didn't give it to me while her friend gave me hers. She says "well, watchu gonna do about it!?"
We gaze longingly at each other and finally agree we'll talk later as she has an appointment with her dad. I say cool, hug her and after she gets a Boda I return to office whistling like a billionaire.  7 hours later, around 20:15Hrs East African time, I'm home rewatching a king cobra documentary on NatGeoWild when a whatsapp message comes through asking what I'm doing.
It's Enid. She's online and free. I mute the Decoder and relax on the couch as I type a reply. Before long she's teasing me about coming over to prove I'm really home alone like my texts are saying..
I dare her to come and call her a coward who can't do anything. She asks for directions and I tell her exactly where.
Plot 52, Kyaggwe Close, kyanja. I even tell her the exact landmarks and roundabout and to encourage her, I again say she's a coward and I don't believe she'll come! Ofcos I knew she'd come against all odds and this was as good as calling her bluff.  Given that they stay in Najeera, it took her less than 50minutes before calling me again to let me know she was at the Bahai roundabout facing Kampala quality and that other stretch going up to kanyanya.
Now that l'm in the middle of shifting, my place is organized and most stuff is in boxes except the music system, TV and bed plus couch. So I didn't need any cleaning or tiding up to do. I direct the Boda up-to the gate and by now it's half past eight so I go out in my vest and sweat pants to pick her. I take my wallet just in case I need to pay for her Boda. But I find she's paying him and he goes.  She smiles and says;
"Uuuhhhmm. You thought I couldn't come? " "Yes. I thought you were a coward " "Well, let's go in before one of your bitches spots me" (so cliche).  I signal her to enter the gate and unlock the small gate then went proceed to my place. She's me her bag as she bends to take off her shoes but I stop her and tell her to enter as she_is. She takes in the place in one swooping glance and ignores the couch. She seats on the bed.. As I'm fetching her a glass of blended juice, my phone rings. It's Zaharah! It takes me sometime before I decide to pick. I hand Enid the juice, pretend to have already picked the call, feign some business talk and get then excuse myself and step out to actually take the call.  *Lucifer sent me to torment the world but then he plays alot of games with my life!  Apparently Zaharah is coming over to spend Friday, Saturday, Sunday and prolly Monday if it is Eid. Remember we weren't sure when it would be set. I ask where she is and she says she just left mbarara and had spent the afternoon calling my mtn but it was switched off.  I swallow and say okay then pretend to have no battery and hang up. I go back inside to find Enid has taken off her jacket and her upper blouse buttons have been undone. She gestures to indicate how hot she's feeling and a part of me cannot tell if I should switch on the fan or just offer her a towel to shower.
I jokingly ask if she minds taking a shower. She doesn't.
Wow.  She tells me to go in the other room so she can change but I refuse. She strips there and then!
#BigoByamugenyi, #MiyomboWoodlands, #TheCongoBasin, and other landmarks like #MachuPichu and #BermudaTriangle are all laid there before my mortal, fragile eyes!  I again swallow a huge pint of saliva and get a boner. I plead with my self not to become an animal but alas! Too late! In one step I reach her and we embrace in a kiss that would solve the peace crisis in the world. I touch her in places I last saw in Game of thrones. Parts of a woman I didn't know could be accessed by hand!  #cheiiiii.  *My phone rings again......  I ignore it. She's distracted by the phone but we continue reenacting 50 shades of grey. Ugandan style.  I carry her to the bed and almost trip on a shoe