Unravelling the Pain of Losing Yourself

in WORLD OF XPILARyesterday

Have you ever heard someone say ”I just don’t feel like I can be myself anymore!”

Usually, it’s in the context of a relationship, sometimes it’s in the context of a work situation, or even a family situation.

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Bottom line is that we end up feeling a deep pain, because we have essentially ”lost ourselves” somewhere along the way.

It seems to happen remarkably often, particularly to those who are deeply caring and empathic. We wake up one day and realize that we have become little more than a ”picture frame” around someone else’s image… whatever we used to be; who we used to be... has withered away.

Many moons ago — not long after her divorce — my friend Diana remarked (about her ex)

He really didn’t have room for anyone besides himself in a relationship.

Of course, that can be a painful realization. I could totally empathize with her, having found myself in a very similar situation.

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We briefly became each other’s ”rebound person,” loving each other intensely while also recognizing that we were incredibly ill suited to each other. Such is the mystery of the human psyche… but there is also insight in such experiences, as we learn where some of our blind spots are.

We either lose ourselves, or we try to bend ourselves into impossible pretzel shapes, all in service of keeping things harmonious and ”making it work”… and — even though we might feel frustrated — we often don’t realize how much of us has died until after we get away.

Often, we lose ourselves in the pursuit of people and situations that have no business trying to work.

Many people don’t experience life like that. People are different… I know that. I can only speak to personal experience… which is really all any of us can do.

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But the falsification of self — loss of self — in the company of others (or society) is incredibly damaging, in the long run. Sure, we all wear various ”masks” in order to navigate life, but if the only way we can make it through life is by being someone/something we’re not, then we’re in trouble!

There’s often a lot of soul-searching involved here. We get to look at why it is that we can’t be ourselves. Am I just too weird? Or too sensitive? Or too introverted? Or too empathic? Or too agreeable? Or too weak?

Likely, none of the above! More likely, you’re just using a poor set of metrics for choosing people. Whether we were extensively shamed when we were children and are going through the ”repetition compulsion,” or someone along the way taught us to choose our ”opposite” to make up for our own shortcomings… we’re making poor choices.

Opposites may attract, but they often make piss-poor bedfellows, in the long run!

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And when you’re mired down in having lose your authentic self, it’s not easy to answer the question ”Who would I be, absent the chaos/pain/shame/abuse you bring into the situation?”

Helpers wanna help — and often feel ”superfluous” around those who don’t need help.
Enablers wanna enable — and often feel ”unneeded” around someone who doesn’t need emotional support, 24/7.
There are many possibilities.

And that’s on you, not on them! We have to heal ourselves, first...

Life is always challenging, in a myriad ways. We owe to ourselves to know ourselves well enough to also know how to choose people/situations around whom we do not need to be anything but our true selves!

Thanks for stopping by and have a great rest of your week!

How about YOU? Have you ever felt like you "lost yourself" in a relationship or other situation? Did you find out HOW you got there? How difficult was it to "find yourself" again? Leave a comment if you feel so inclined — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

(All text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is ORIGINAL CONTENT, created expressly for this platform — Not posted elsewhere!)

Created at 2025.07.31 00:21 PDT
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