Confront ex at reunion on behalf of ‘younger self’? Hax readers give advice.
We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Hi Carolyn: I’m headed to a reunion next month, and one of the people who will be there is a former flame of mine. Things ended badly, and it messed me up for a while. Now, many years have passed, and I’m totally over it (happily married, great kids, satisfying life, etc.).
When I see this person at the reunion, I imagine myself acting cool and detached. But if I do that, am I disrespecting my younger self by glossing over the true pain it caused me at one point? I can’t really imagine having any kind of confrontation over what happened in the past. But it seems less than genuine to see this person and be like, “Oh, yeah, we’re great, everything’s cool” when, if I look back and think about it, it still stings.
Still Stings: You are not “totally over it” if it still stings. But regardless, you are right that any kind of confrontation would not be appropriate at the reunion. Can you talk this through with a neutral third party (friend or therapist) to get to the bottom of your hurt feelings?
It’s okay that you still have hurt feelings; it is not an indictment on your life at all. If you have not dealt with these particular hurt feelings, then it makes sense that they remain there, as fresh as they were all those years ago. Good luck.
Still Recovering.
Still Stings: I recently struggled with a similar situation. I experienced a flurry of emotions not the least of which was resentment that I spent energy feeling anxious at all. Then, just prior to the event, a wave of grace overcame me when I decided my choice was to act like it never happened. I gave this person a huge and welcoming hug.
Give some thought to taking this approach. It is so empowering and will further validate your current and happy life. I promise. It worked for me and changed my whole perspective on the situation and relationship and freed me from any further angst! Good luck.