SLC-S24/W3 - Powerful Debate | Love & Arguments

Marriage is the union of two people and as humans, we’re likely to encounter conflict but our ability to manage is what makes the difference. Society often promotes the belief that in any disagreement between spouse, the man should be the first to apologize, regardless of who was wrong. But is this truly fair?

As you read further , I’ll share a little about my experience and my own personal opinion but before I continue, i will be inviting @berda01, @humblecyril and @bossj23.

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Sincerely speaking, I disagree with such beliefs. It’s an unfair belief that places emotional burden upon men. For two people to come together as husband and wife, there should be a certain level of compromise from both parties for peace to reign. Don’t forget, men also have feelings and deserves apology as well. Before now, I’ve always been the one that always advocated for peace by apologizing and overlooking a lot of stuff until I dated a hot tempered lady who taught me a bitter lesson, which is “peace without fairness is slavery”.

It shouldn’t be about one party always apologizing. Instead, whoever realizes their mistake should be courageous enough to say “sorry”, it won’t kill you because the more you stretch the issue, the more it causes more harm than good.

This is the only way trust can be built and maintained because, if only one person always bending during conflict, something will eventually break. In my case, it did.

Let me share with you a personal experience with an ex girlfriend of mine. I was taught right from childhood that no matter how angry a lady gets you, never hit her. This rule was very easy to follow considering the fact that I hardly get angry and things hardly get to me, until i met a hot tempered lady through a social media platform we call “2go”, years ago.

In the initial period, it was easy to overlook her tantrums even when she was wrong. So many times, I’ll say sorry for peace to reign and they were few occasions I would
discuss what I was passing through in my relationship with my friends but they kept encouraging me that I needed someone like her to balance my calm nature.

The relationship was now looking as if I was walking on eggshells because I didn’t want to do anything to get her angry. I became worn out and I told myself “even if heaven comes down, the next time she gets angry, I won’t apologize”. I was tired of being the only one sacrificing. It was now becoming a habit.

So, one day she came visiting and was going through my chat on “2go”, and saw a message of me telling a lady that when I get to her state, we will see. She flared up. In order to calm the situation down, I had to call the lady on my phone to explain to her that we were neighbors before she moved down to her new place because of school. Although this calmed her down, she still won’t talk to me. She stormed out of the room and said she was going back to her house.

Usually, I’ll chase her to beg but this time, I stood my ground. Part of me was happy that she was leaving, so, I slept off. Only for me to wake up in the evening and saw her sleeping in the sitting room. It was a bit funny, so I playfully mocked her by saying “I thought you’d left my house, what held you back?” I didn’t know that I just stepped on the tail of a tigress for making such comment.

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That was my first time seeing her react that way. She was so angry, she took my laptop and smashed it on the ground. I almost dived her like goal keeper Peter cech. I’ve never been so angry with a lady before in my entire life. I felt like squeezing the life out of her but one thing held me back, my aunt’s word. She will say; “When you’re angry at a lady, imagine she’s a military officer. No matter how upset you are, you wouldn’t dare hit one—so walk away.” In Nigeria, one of the most dreaded people to mess with is a military personnel especially, if you’re just an ordinary civilian, you won’t go Scot free. Those words stopped me from doing something I’d regret.

That was the day I realized how toxic the relationship had become because I’ve always been the one saying “sorry” all the time. For the first time throughout the relationship, she begged me to please forgive her because she has never seen me so angry before but it was already to late.

The lesson I learned from this whole saga was that if one person is always the peacemaker and the other never takes responsibility, it’s like you’re encouraging the person to continue with their bad behavior. This makes the relationship look one sided. Therefore, that general view of husband must apologize first” and “wife must fix the issue” creates imbalance. So, I don’t subscribe to such gender base roles. Imagine, if only one person is trying??? That’s not love, that’s pressure. Love should be a two way street not a battlefield. Whoever realizes their mistake first, should take the step toward peace. It doesn't make them weaker; it makes them wiser. A strong relationship is not about keeping score but about keeping the bond alive.

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If there is one major thing that kills relationships whether between friends and lovers is “ego”. In my own experience, I was the only one swallowing my pride like a big frog all the time for peace to reign until I couldn’t take it anymore and the moment I stopped apologizing blindly and allowed her to reflect, it exposed the true state of our relationship.

That was the first time she said “I’m sorry”, but it was already too late to apologize. I couldn’t continue with such toxicity before I will commit murder one day. Love can never strive in such home where ego rules and apologies is just one sided. Since that day till now, I’ve always avoided hot tempered ladies because I realize they can bring out the worst in me.

So, in every relationship, partners should always learn to put their ego aside and apologize to each other after admitting their mistakes. It won’t make you go bald, if you learn to say “sorry”.