EcoTrain QOTW: What's the One Thing You KNOW Would Transform Your Life? - and what's really stopping you?
This is a big question that was asked, and the title doesn't do it justice.
@eco-alex said "Sometimes it's fear - fear of change, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what other people will think…"
It is not fear. It is not something that small, or that trivial. The life changing things that you do not do, is not blocked by simple fear. It is TERROR.
TERROR like only you would know as a young child, where you are completely dependent on someone else, and you have to keep their approval and mold yourself to their desires, or else you may not get food. OR WORSE!!! they may withhold their love from you.
We are not talking about fear of death. We are talking a TERROR of ANNIHILATION.
Without mother's love, you cease to be. Is what you, as a child knew to be true. She brought you into this world, and she can take you out. Often, with just a look.
Narcissists or Borderline parent
How do you deal with information like:
- Your mother doesn't love you.
- Your mother never loved you.
- Compared to herself, your importance is insignificant.
- In order to survive, you had to abandon yourself.
(Yes, it could be your father, but i am going to be bringing up baby issues here. This is stuff forced into your brain between 0 and 2, or 2 and 5. And that is almost all from mother.)
These phrases above are the minimum you need to accept if your mother was a narcissist or a borderline (cluster B personality traits)
If your mother was a narcissist she had no warm empathy. So, she had no love for you. She could only mimic it. And so, your life is one where your idea of love is playing games with trying to choose, what does mommy need right now, so i get attention/love and not being ignored or punished?
If your mother was a borderline, your mother's love turned on and off like a light. As a child, you believe (to your CORE) that it is because you are not good enough. You do everything you can to keep mother's attention. Even destroying yourself to fit the mold that she believes is correct. She really wanted a doll, that would do just what she wants. To play that role that the movie that is playing in her mind dictates.
So, you may ask, what if the thing that keeps you from moving forward is that you accept the fact that SHE NEVER LOVED YOU? Would you take that on? Or would you find anything else to distract you? Any excuse that it is something else that is holding you back.
Abandoned parts of yourself.
It would be nice if our parents loved us for who we were. However, our parents usually have goals and aspirations for us, and many won't change those, even if they know that we are not that.
Besides "Tabula Rasa", people believing that children are born as blank slates, many parents have high expectations. Like, their child is going to grow up and go to college and become a doctor, when what the child wants to do is dance. The child asks for dance lessons, but the parents respond that "we don't do that in this house", now do you want biochemistry or math lessons? And, when this happens, the child is forced to choose, make their parents happy and destroy themselves, or die.
Or, lets say things are worse, and you are the scapegoat of the family. You are the one upon which all of the families problems, strifes and failures are blamed upon. And, you either accept this role, or be destroyed. And the child internalizes this role, and believes that they are a screw-up, too stupid, or worse. They may become hyper-vigilant and try to be perfect. Or they may become a terror, becoming as bad as the family says they are.
Both of these mean that you do not get to be who you are. AND!!! these things are soooo ingrained in your psyche, that you think it is you. And, you may go your whole life never knowing that part of you that you cut off so that you could maintain your parent's love.
In other words, you can't get to what you really want, because you don't even know it exists.
It is truly TERROR
Ask yourself, if you knew your mother didn't love you, could you give up on trying to get her love?
This is the question, the real question, in so many people feeling stuck, and not being able to move on. (even if, or maybe, especially if, you mother has passed on) You are literally trying to fight you 5 year old child for control of your body. And they have been here far longer than you have. To the child, mother's love is all important. To give up on mother's love is DESTRUCTION.
So, do not kid yourself that it is just a little fear that you need to push through, or overcome. It is TERROR. and the wounds are immense.
If this is your position, then you need to do two things.
- Re-parent your inner child.
- Go and find the parts of you that were split off.
Neither of these are easy, and you will find all kinds of wounds that need to be mourned and healed along the way.
And i am serious, this path leads to things like "your mother didn't love you". And, that what you really want, your most deep seated goal, is to receive your mother's love. This goal trumps everything you might think of as important, even living.
This is not something you can just bulldoze your way through. It requires deep searching for parts of you that you cut off. And then, you need to gain their trust. And then things like going back in time and defending your inner-child from your mother's attacks. Tell your child that what mother is doing is not right. And you need to gain your inner-child's trust, and find a good mother for your inner-child. This is an iterative process.
Remember, this body is your inner-child's body first. They can take over, almost effortlessly. They can easily destroy all of your current efforts by throwing a tantrum.
If you are not going forward along the path you think is correct, there are only a few possibilities, because you will always choose the path that brings you more joy, and less pain:
- Part of you feels that this path will lead to greater pain
- Part of you doesn't feel worthy
- Part of you feels that they will receive mother's enmity. (such as outshining mother) To be avoided at all costs.
- Part of you feels terror when they contemplate going down this path
Our society believes that childhood traumas just stay with the child. You are an adult now, so just ignore all those things. But this is not true. Those traumas have shaped your psyche. They have shaped your response patterns. They have shaped the way you think. And most people just think that it is them.