Over the parapet (Trigger warning : Suicidal thoughts)

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This was it.

Her last failure.

She had fallen, after falling over and over again.

So why not fall for the final time, and end this never ending cycle of misery? Why not step over the parapet and jump off the roof of the building. It was ten storeys above ground. Surely the fall would result in the outcome she desired.

A lifetime of repeated mistakes had brought her to this point. Unemployed, depressed, unfit, isolated, and not a single achievement to her name. She had hit rock bottom long ago, but she shamelessly kept on living.

She was a worthless dependent who was feeding off of her parents' resources. An embarrassment that they tried to hide from their friends and relatives who had children with real accomplishments. A disappointment who gave them nothing but trouble.

They fed her, clothed her and allowed her to live in their home. Of course they did. She was their daughter. They couldn't very well throw her to the streets! But she didn't need to look at them or even hear them to know what they really thought of her.

She had been a disappointment ever since she was a child. She never had good grades, nor did she ever have a social life. Making friends, being "normal" was a foreign concept to her. As was excelling at anything for that matter.

She had suspected that perhaps she had Autism and/or ADHD. She had done some research and she did display some symptoms. She couldn't tell her parents though. For one thing, they firmly believed that these conditions were made up. For another, they didn't have the money to get her tested.

Over the years, she had distanced herself from her family. She knew what she was to them. And saw no point in harbouring any kind of emotional connection. They also didn't see eye to eye with her on many subjects, but perhaps even those differences could have been ignored if she could at least make some contribution to the family's income. Instead of being a parasite.

So she just cooked for the family, did some household chores and kept to her studies. And she couldn't even do that right.

As a child she would dream of achieving greatness. She would lie awake in bed and fantasise about being independent enough to leave her family behind and then living on her own terms. In her own house where she wouldn't be derided or yelled at.

She would finally escape, she would fly and be happy.

Her High School grades weren't good enough to get her into a respectable university, so she took one of the few options available to her. She began preparing for competitive civil service examinations. Thus began an ill conceived journey of repeated failures, heartbreak and humiliation.

Every year for several years, she would take the preliminaries, and every year she would fail.

Now, as she stood at the edge, all of her childish fantasies seemed to mock her.

So why not just end it all?

What was the point of living this half life, this parody of an existence?

Her detractors had been proven right so many times. Why not just accept the fact that she wasn't meant to succeed?

Her death might bring her parents some much needed respite. She could finally reduce their burden instead of adding to it.

And she would be free. At long last this wretched excuse for a life would end. Wasn't that her dream all along? To be able to escape?

She placed her hands on the parapet wall and looked down. She was at least a hundred feet off the ground. All she had to do was jump off and make sure she landed on her head. Even if she didn't land on her head, she would not survive a fall from this height.

It would all be over. All her pain, her fears for the future, her humiliation, the emptiness of her heart.... it would all come to an end.

It would be so easy.

But did she really want it to end?

If she jumped off now, she would never feel this pain again. But she also wouldn't feel joy, excitement, suspense, hope. She would never have any more thoughts. She would never have any opinions and desires.

She realised that she quite liked some of her interests. She loved to read. She had a long list of books she promised herself she would buy when she became financially independent. In fact, she had several lists of various activities she wanted to partake in when she could move out of her parents' home. There were places she wanted to see, skills she wanted to learn, unexplored emotions she wanted to experience.

If she jumped off, all of that would die with her. All dreams, yearnings, thoughts, opinions, joys, fears and aversions that were uniquely hers would disappear forever.

Even if reincarnation was real and she would be reborn, she would be a completely different person in her next life. A person with a mind that may be distinctly different from her own.

This version of her would never exist again.

That thought terrified her.

Yes, her life was anything but ideal and she was generally unhappy. But as she looked down at what could be her end, she realized that she did like the person that she was at her core. And she didn't want to give up the chance to further grow and develop that person and see who she could become a few years into the future.

At this realization a calm came over her, and she stepped away from the edge.

There would be another exam in about six months. She knew that if she tried just a little harder, she could make it. She wasn't unintelligent, she wasn't incapable. She could accomplish her goals.

She knew it.

There would be a great deal of embarrassment in her near future. But she'd only have to power through it for about a year or so. After that she could be free. She would be free.

Did she really want to give up her whole life and her possible future to avoid the emotional drudgery of the next twelve months?

She didn't.

About a year earlier, she had promised herself that if she didn't make it this time, she would end her miserable life.

And now here she was, breaking that promise.

Did that make her a coward? A coward who was too afraid to die?

No. That wasn't true.

She wasn't afraid of death. She was afraid of not being able to live. She could not bring herself to leave her life unlived.

Deciding not to jump off didn't make her a coward. True cowardice would be to just bail out and refuse to fight for her dreams.

Her dreams were worth fighting for.

The better version of her that would exist in the future, the one who would be accomplished, confident, respected and happy..... SHE was worth fighting for.

She exited the roof, took the elevator back to her parents' flat and prepared to face the music.

It was time to dust herself off and resume her battle.